Further Disclosures from the Nefarious Sheikh

Intelligence sources confirm that 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed has cleared up an old mystery. In a portion of the transcripts released this morning, Sheikh Mohammed admits that some years ago, in a plan to bring the transport system to a grinding halt all across the United States, he personally beheaded former Teamster president Jimmy Hoffa. Unfortunately, it was so long ago and he has been so busy in the interim that he cannot now recall what he did with Hoffa's head or body, even though every attempt has been made to jog his memory.

Of more immediate concern, Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to causing the climate change crisis. "Global warming!" Never mind dinosaur flatulence," he said, "I did it myself, with my holy [DELETED]. What made it possible," he added, "was my really horrible digestion--talk about terrorism!--and the infidel crap they feed you in this prison."

Needless to say, the interrogation of this supremely valuable witness is ongoing, and further revelations can be expected, as needed.