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Frank J Miles

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Come Out for Yourself - Stay Out for Others

Posted: 08/31/10 01:48 PM ET

Coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered (LGBT) in the United States is a difficult choice. It takes recognized American virtues of courage, sheer will, and determination, but it is an act of self-interest simply by how personal, delicate, and private it is. Being LGBT is an ingredient of who you are. Coming out is not. It is something you do. You do it for you. It is done for the greater good, yet so much of that choice is grounded in the doctrinaire or laissez-faire traditions of what came before: your family, your friends, your community, your career.

According to popular culture and media, coming out is straightforward and effortless. You realize on Monday. Tell your parents, family, and friends on Tuesday. You have more friends that share your orientation on Wednesday. You find a significant other on Thursday. You get a promotion at work on Friday. You are in a committed relationship on Saturday. Sunday, all of your life has fallen into place and you are at ease. But reality is different, as LGBT self-sufficiency is very much a threat against the normative expectations of many American communities.

According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute and the National Coalition for the Homeless, many teenagers who come out face pervasive hostility, estrangement, and homelessness, LGBT people of color even more so - 44.7 percent of LGBT youth of color report verbal harassment because of both their sexual orientation and race/ethnicity. Their 2006 report states that 26 percent of LGBT youth who come out to their parents are told to leave home. LGBT youth make up 20 percent to 40 percent of all homeless youth in the United States, says the report, and many experience abuse both from family members and in shelters. The silver lining to these hard-won fights is visibility. Visibility and comprehension directly oppose much of America's warped view of the LGBT community. It is much harder to dismiss, condemn, and label as the other that what is familiar and right in front of you. It is harder to marginalize your child, your sister, your best friend, your coworker, your football coach, your son's teacher, your minister's kid, your favorite writer, your pop idol, your elected official, your 9/11 hero, and your everyday owners of broad American family values making their way through life. That is why we come out, and are relieved to do so.

As the LGBT community continues its march, along with every other historically subjugated group, to unify with the inner circle of America, there is more than visibility that must be undertaken. In this new century, that action should be turning our visibility, our autonomy, and our self-respect into altruism to become a part of the larger human family, regardless of class, race, gender, or religion. We in the LGBT community have not been very vocal about issues that affect everybody, including ourselves. We have not communicated just how socially responsible we are, and how much we are concerned about the broad spectrum of issues that we all must care about. When we mobilize for others outside of our self-regard, championing or doing the groundwork for social justice, human rights, and a progressive society, we help defeat the opposition who believe we only fight on a self-centered platform. In this way, we become part of the entire story of humanity, resisting the urge to limit ourselves to what we perceive as just our own narrative.

Once you come out, you change and grow, and so does everyone else around you -- and it is important to work for the issues that affect you day to day. With the same American virtues of courage, sheer will, determination, and hard-won, can-do spirit it takes to come out, it is more compelling and empowering that our next step be to invest in the gravest problems: universal health care, climate change, clean energy, clean water, food security, human trafficking, worldwide gender inequality and violence, oil depletion, extreme poverty and the wealth gap, the global HIV/AIDS crisis, and early childhood education. We mobilize for marriage equality, military service, adoption, work-place discrimination, and hate-crimes protection with a resolute force, and we can use that same energy and determination to influence change for other marginalized individuals around our world.

We cannot indulge in the oppression olympics, ranking cruelty and persecution, and we must have perspective. We live in a country that finally is allowing us to live with pride, dignity, and ever-increasing freedom, and we must never forget those who are not as fortunate as we are. Every 45 seconds, a child in Africa dies from malaria, according to the World Health Organization. Since the early part of the last decade, the number of people enduring hunger has risen by 60 million, according to the World Food Programme, and today, an overwhelming 852 million people around our world experience the agony of hunger. There are 1.1 billion people, or 18 percent of our world's population, who lack access to safe drinking water, according to the World Health Organization and UNICEF; about 2.6 billion people, or 42 percent of the total, lack access to basic sanitation, particularly in Sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia. Globally, 774 million adults lack basic literacy skills, according to the United States Agency for International Development; some 64 percent of them are women, a share effectively unchanged since the early part of the last decade. As we fight to stand tall, we must not forget those that remain even more pushed down. Now, we stand with them. Our solidarity is with one and all.

The world's worst social ills require all of our attention. Just as some prioritize their Second Amendment rights over health care or marriage equality, there never will be a unified nation if we, for example, prioritize marriage equality over ending torture. At the end of the day, all of this is what we fight for: a more open society, a more free and equal democracy. For us and everyone. The noticeable insularity of LGBT activism and the perceived parochialism of the LGBT community must reach beyond what we have done. We must do more. And this is how we enter a post-LGBT existence that leaves no one behind and makes us full in the hearts of ourselves and in the eyes of all and sundry. We need more of us in the frontlines and out in the trenches changing the staggering, shocking statistics that haunt us in the developed world, but devastate those of us on the far reaches of our planet.

Do. Rise. Engage, volunteer, organize, act, serve, give back, tutor a child, be a role model to a teen, plant a garden, think of others and act in their name, help yourself and others reach their full potential. Public service and altruism for the betterment of all of us are the only and truest answers to all ills of our world.

 
 
 
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06:59 AM on 09/02/2010
Coming out is difficult for many. In my case, at age 17, it was met with visits to two different mental health professionals, violence, and being threatened with a Colt 45 by my father. There were of course no positive resources for anyone identifying as LGBT and especially not a teenager back in the early 1980s in the Deep South. Sadly, the conditions have changed little since, particularly in rural areas.
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Jdaddy1951
09:28 PM on 08/31/2010
One of my adult sons actually came out before I did in my early 40s. His courage in doing so helped me to accept my sexual orientation and come out.

My life has a lot of regrets and mistakes in it. Saying the words, "I'm gay," is NOT one of them. No one will ever be able to make me hide that part of myself from the world again and knowing that gives me the freedom to speak out and not be intimidated by anybody. Yes, there are people who don't like it and there are some homophobic jerks who are bold enough to say so to my face. They do that at their peril, because as Queen Latifah sang in the movie "Hairspray," "I know where I'm going and I know where I've been."

The best thing anyone can do for themselves in this world is be honest with themselves. If you're a homosexual person, know two things: God created you, God loves you and anyone who says differently is bearing false witness. When you can do it, say the words, "I'm gay." Even if it's only to yourself. It's a baby step,. but it's a start.
12:29 PM on 09/01/2010
Uh, Jdaddy, you know i admire you.

but that's THREE things.

:)
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Jdaddy1951
12:58 PM on 09/01/2010
You got me. On the other hand, some good things grow a few inches as one commits to the thought behind it ...
09:19 PM on 08/31/2010
Well said sir. Well said.
02:38 PM on 08/31/2010
By coming out and staying out we are demonstrating to the world normalcy, decency, and valuable credibility as to just how apart of the everyday we are in America, We are no different from any other human being with whom you would treat with respect and dignity. I hope that families like Ricky and Caz's will show everyone just how fundamental it is for legislation to pass.

http://ourscenetv.com/posts/163/leaving-paradise-gay-parents-struggle-with-immigration-inequality

More families mean social stability
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Ioan Lightoller
Proud Married Gay Pagan Man
03:49 PM on 08/31/2010
Fanned AND faved. The more of us who come out and stay out, the more people will see our decency, our normality and how much of a part of the warp and woof of America we have been and continue to be;
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Jdaddy1951
12:10 AM on 09/01/2010
Amen. When I see the wonderful adults that my seven children --- who are biological, adopted, and fostered; I forget which are which --- turned out to be even though their father is gay, I know that being open to them about who I am was not a mistake. They are unique people, with different sexual orientations and life interests, but they all share a sense of tolerance for diversity.

We were all put on this earth with different programming, but whoever the Creator of our life source is, that Spirit of Creation meant for everyone to be good, loving people. If that Creator loves us all, who are we not to respect each other, despite our differences, for being reflections of different aspect of that same source?
02:17 PM on 08/31/2010
I have said repeatedly: the enemy is not now and nver has been the religious right or the Conservative estalbishment. The enemy is and always will be the closet.

Come out come out come out. unless you are in physical danger, come out now.