Today's Sermon: I'm Mike Huckabee

I'm Mike Huckabee. Please open your inerrant, infallible King James translation of the Bible to the book of Romans, chapters one and two, and follow along, "for I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ" (Romans 1, 16). Because of Jesus I can do anything, "a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle" (Romans 1, 1). In other words I'm a Southern Baptist minister and "God is my witness" (Romans 1, 9).

Ministers don't earn much. So we just thank God for personal gifts from our congregations--free pizza, homes, wardrobes for our wives, rides in private jets, vacations, whatever the Lord lays on people's hearts so that, "I might have a prosperous journey by the will of God" (Romans 1, 10). And when pastors get elected to be a governor, whatever, we just keep carrying on the God-ordained custom of letting the Lord's folks bless us. If this was a problem to God why'd He put me way ahead in the polls?

Because Jesus is on my side, "by whom we have received grace and apostleship" (Romans 1, 4), when someone criticizes me (or my sweet godly wife, or anything I do, say or think) they're fighting God, "wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness" (Romans 1, 24). So, I don't have to pay any attention to criticism from those who, "professing themselves to be wise, became fools" (Romans 1, 22).

Some good folks ask why I pardoned murderers and rapists, who murdered and raped again after I let them out. Look, first off, I'm, "an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of babes" (Romans 2, 20). And, second off, I didn't ONLY pardon violent criminals, I ALSO pardoned friends and big donors, who were multiple offense drunk drivers who hadn't killed anybody. And third, those so-called mothers of murder victims were wrong, so were those nutty mothers against drunk driving. Of course I refused to meet with them! They didn't understand that I AM THE VESSEL OF JESUS' MERCY!

And, you gotta remember that those rapists and murderers I pardoned got born-again in prison BEFORE I pardoned them. We're talking Brothers-In-Christ here, not gays, illegal immigrants, Jews or Democrats or something else just as weird. And here's why I did all that pardoning: while nailed on the old rugged cross Jesus said to the repentant thief that he'd be in paradise that very day! See? Jesus FORGAVE that sinner! Could I do less?

It's me that the Apostle Paul was prophesying about when he wrote; "thou thyself art a guide to the blind" (Romans 2, 19).

Okay, so I don't know anythin' about fancy "foreign policy." First off, Jesus is coming back soon so it won't matter. Second off, if He delays the Rapture, so what? Either way until I'm snatched up to meet my Lord in the clouds, I'll have the best wartime military and foreign policy advisor ever--Jesus!

Amen? Say it with me: AMEN!

Jesus made Iraq and Canada, Africa and Russia and those other places. He'll tell me what to do about them just like He told me who to pardon after I prayed real hard on it. Anyway, I already answered the only question that matters when that guy on CNN asked me if I believe every single word of the Bible. I DO! What else does a president need to know?

Frank Schaeffer is a writer and author of "CRAZY FOR GOD--How I Grew Up As One Of The Elect, Helped Found The Religious Right, And Lived To Take All (Or Almost All) Of It Back."

Comments

[Counterglow]

The Bible...isn't that the book where God tells a guy who just lost his wife that it's OK to make his daughters pick up the slack in the, ahem, "marital" department?

Yeah, thought so.

[gettysburg]

Republicans should be embarrassed, but I honestly don't think anything embarrasses them anymore.

[squeakyf]

I am not so sure that watching the "god machine" will be so fun. We've been watching that machine for the last 7 years and I have yet to crack a smile. What truly scares me is there are people out there that honestly think that a person that asks for guidance from the voices in their head and does what they say is just OK with them. When I worked as a counselor on a complete care, locked down Psych Floor, if someone heard voices and did what they said..we would give them meds to quiet the voices and take away the anxiety. Where does one draw the line? One person's prophet is another psychologists patient!!

[Mack20]

Why are the Republican candidates constantly questioned about their faith and how it may relate to their decision-making as President? On the other hand, the Democratic candidates are given a pass on this issue. Here is a good question for Mrs. Clinton: Does the fact that you have repeatedly overlooked your husband"s infidelity and consistent violation of the 7th Commandment illustrate to the American people your lack of religious commitment and otherwise how easily you can be duped over and over? Do you feel our political adversaries will take advantage of this apparent weakness of your character?

Any questions?

[Qbear]

jesus wept

[lgillooly]

As a Christian I am sick to my stomache that Jesus has been USED this way. To Use His name for votes is despicable. All Christians should be appalled that our Politicians USE our Lord to advance their Political careers. Shame on them.

[truth101]

Big Daddy: I'd rather vote for the honest man
...who drives the garbage truck than Huck the liar

Lil Abner: Huck shoots dem ducks for fun. He's not
...welcome in our town and anywhere near de pond..

Andrew Jackson: I'd prefer anyone alive rather
...than that skunk Huck who shoulders his rifle
...like he was not think it might kick his
...empty head

Davy Crockett: We would not have accepted Huck
...to join us at the Alamo --- can't trust
...liars at all

Mark Twain: Huckleberry Finn was the
...masterpiece of my career. This fella
...running for president is ruining his good
...name...hope he disappears....

Abraham Lincoln: There is a big similiarity
...between me and HUCK -- HUMBBLE BEGINNINGS.
...ALSO A BIG DIFFERENCE --
................HE IS A DAM LIAR.......

[Tankan]

The time in which we live is the days of man, God plays no part in the managment of the world.

Christ's Kingdom is not of this world, at least not until the end-time!

For anyone to claim devine guidance in current worldly affairs is false, in fact, the words of anti Christ, a great deception!

Let no man deceive you by any means!

[Qbear]

had enough?

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-8/1210139/hadEnough.jpg

[hopeless277]

I do so hope that Pastor Mike get the nom. Even though the MSM will bow and scrape, even though the churches will demand that their members support the Pastor, even though his folky charm will seduce the masses. I do so hope he get the nom. Just to see the whole fucking hypocritical god machine clunking along trying to square torture with Jaysus. It should be a really good show.