8:03 PM: The title of this week's episode is "To Kill or Not to Kill?" because kids are precious and darling and innocent and blood-thirsty.
8:04: Bonanza City. The children are harvesting eggs. One kid says "that is so awesome." About an egg. It's true. Eggs are awesome. Also awesome: Sex. Driving a car. Voting. Alcohol. You always hear people say how great it is that kids can become fascinated by the tiny wonders of life, you never hear people come to their senses and say "how is that amazing egg going to pay my rent?"
8:05: Emilie (9-NV), claims that her parents own 10 acres. This I believe. She also claims that she "breaks wild mustangs." This I believe is insane bullshit. She is 9. She'd be brave to attempt breaking a My Little Pony.
8:06: In the chapel, where the "important book" left by their elders which tells them how to, for example, split into traditional red, green, blue, and yellow teams, now tells them that in order to eat a balanced diet, you can't just eat eggs, beans, and canned vegetables. If you want to have a balanced diet, you also have to kill chickens. The only thing more ridiculous than this book is the fact that it was made by underpaid production assistants.
8:11: There is some disagreement over whether or not animals are our friends and/or we need to eat some protein (not contained in the eggs and beans the kids have been eating, apparently. "No adults" means "no dieticians"). When the decision is made to kill a chicken, with lots of primal screaming, some kids decide to lock themselves in the chicken coop until everyone agrees not to kill the chickens. Gross. Hippies are gross, you guys, but child hippies are grosser.
8:12 Emilie asks "are they gonna hang them, like they did to Saddam Hussein?" Aw, kids say the darndest things. Also, what?
8:14 Somehow, the baby hippies are coaxed out of the chicken coop and into the root beer store with the town leaders. It is agreed in the root beer store that they have to kill some chickens, for "the good of the town." Greg (15-NV) is the oldest kid in town, and the only one who exhibits signs of sociopathic behavior. He explains that he has slaughtered cows, goats, dogs, unicorns, chickens, fish, dragons, whales, centaurs, and self-esteem. He is a monster. It's actually a relief when he goes to slaughter the chickens with a hatchet rather than his teeth. Especially since so much gristle would get caught in his braces.
8:15: The chicken is slaughtered. All the kids stand around shaking and screaming. It's great.
8:16: Jared (11-GA), holds a dead chicken by its feet and says: "We sped up the natural cycle of life and death." Earlier he said something about Shakespeare and last week he quoted Martin Luther King Jr. in reference to breakfast. Jared is quickly becoming one of my favorite kids on the show. He is seriously an alien sent from outer-space who was taught to mimic humans by watching old episodes of Family Matters, and memorizing a copy of Bartlett's Quotations that one of his fellow aliens just kind of made up.
8:17: The chicken is served. I'm sure it's cooked super good with lots of delicious spices, like dirt and crayons and the longing for parentally-established boundaries.
8:22: The temperature dropped over night and all of the water in town is frozen. Their laundry is frozen in buckets of water (because the way to do laundry is to leave it sitting out in the dirt in buckets of water overnight). The pump is also frozen. There is no water and the children are all going to die. Five minutes later, everyone is in t-shirts and don't even worry about it. Thanks, false drama.
8:29: They get another Survivor-style challenge. The challenges on this show are so confusing, I guess because of how the pioneering days were so confusing? It involves something with putting together PVC pipe so that water shoots out through the top of an outhouse into a ferris wheel and under a bale of hay into a mud pit. You know, a basic challenge that every founding civilization goes through on their way to skyscrapers and global capitalism.
8:35: The green team can't get their wheel to turn, which means that the town doesn't get a bonus prize. Had they finished in the allotted hour, the children would have chosen between a 45-foot-inflatable-heated-waterslide (naturally), and water pumps for the town that are designed not to freeze. It seems like a weird choice because wouldn't you need water from the pumps to RUN the 45-foot-inflatable-heated-waterslide? Well, whatever. Ye olde timey 45-foot-inflatable-heated-waterslide once again recedes into the golden hues of history.
8:43: The teams are rearranged into their pre-fabricated caste system. Two of the girls have set up a "daycare" where they take care of other people's stuffed animals. I don't remember that part from Lord of the Flies, but maybe that's where they hide their rudimentary weapons crafted from stone and discarded shards of metal? Is the daycare actually the armory?
8:44: Emilie is locking herself in the chicken coop again. Because that is what you do when you want to get away from it all but still surround yourself with the noxious fumes of chicken shit. Some kids come over and tell her to get out and one of them says: "If you want to be with animals, go home." OH SNAP.
8:50: Town meeting. Sophia brings up the fact that yellow is not doing its job, noting in particular the time when Taylor didn't feel like working so she stayed in bed giggling. In an interview, Taylor counters with the very solid "Sophia needs to stop criticizing me. And just shut up" argument. People seem to be displeased with Taylor's leadership, which is reasonable, because she is not a leader. She is a 10-year-old beauty pageant contestant, floundering without the overbearing needling of her stage-mom. Taylor is what happens when Paris Hilton faces a panel of her peers.
8:51: Emilie decides to stay. I really wish I cared.
8:53: Michael wins the gold star instead of Greg for his ability to read inspiration speeches put together by savvy producers in search of a hero. This comes as unwelcome news to the equally manufactured villain, Greg. Michael says that he sees the potential in everyone to win the gold star, due in no small part to their participation on the TV show that distributes the gold stars. Greg chews the bones of his enemies in bitter silence.
8:54: As an additional reward, Michael gets the key to the only building in Bonanza City with a phone to call his parents. We get our second look at the 40 worst parents in the world. Kill yourself, woman.
8:55: Next week: Greg plots his revenge (SPOILER: it involves chalk, and "Greg rules"), a dust storm. An outhouse falls over. Oh, shit (get it?).