8:00: Previously on Kid Nation: Remember the non-denominational religious service from last week? Apparently that taught us that "kids prefer to be asked not told." I think it actually taught us that kids prefer root beer shooters to an ungrounded tribute to God led by other kids. This week's episode is titled "Viva La Revolución!"
8:02: Anjay reveals that every couple of days, the Town Council gets up at 5:30 and goes to read the Pioneere Journale. What? 5:30? It's bad enough that the journal was put together by a depressed film student summering as a production assistant, dipping each page carefully in a cup of cold, bitter, craft services coffee to make it look olde. 5:30 is so early. Then again, that's why I'm not on any Town Councils.
8:03: There will be an election. That must be the revolución they're talking about. That's too bad. I was hoping it was going to be the masked gunmen, seize the airport type of revolution. The Town Council looks nervous about the prospects of an election. How long until Karl Rove starts spreading the rumor about Mike's (11-WA) illegitimate half-black baby?
8:06: As with every election, this one begins with a food fight. Anjay (12-TX), being a leader, tries to get the unwashed masses (literally) to stop. The People see this as a perfect opportunity to throw food into Anjay's face and then run over and dump a mug of what looks like AIDS on him. Anjay, as with any politically savvy incumbent up for re-election, threatens to smash a ceramic mug in someone's face.
8:10: Olivia (12-IN) comes to the kitchens to tell Anjay that she is running against him in the most smirking voice her 12-going-on-45 year old cigarette face can muster, but more importantly, ANJAY IS STILL COVERED IN FOOD. By election day, I suspect the race will come down to Olivia and an Anjay-shaped swarm of flies.
8:10: Guylan (11-MA) opposes Mike for Red District leader, which Mike cannot believe because on the first day, Guylan addressed Michael as "sir." I would like to direct Michael to Robert Green's The 48 Laws of Power:
Law 1: Never Outshine the Master.
Law 3: Conceal Your Intentions.
Law 14: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.
Law 15: Crush Your Enemies Totally.
What Mike doesn't know about political manipulation could fill a best-selling self-help book popular among hip hop artists.
8:14: Zach (10-FL) gives his stump speech, music soars, and he closes with "Don't tell me that you're going to vote for me, tell me that you agree with me." Seriously, it's somewhere between the moment on the West Wing when Martin Sheen announced he was going to run despite his MS, and the moment in Meatballs when Bill Murray convinced the campers at Camp North Star to take on the Mohawks.
8:14: Taylor's response? "I was like, yeah, that was a pretty good speech, but it's not the best I've ever heard." Very true. There are some great speeches out there, you guys. Never settle.
8:20: Showdown time. It is a "very political showdown." There is a field filled with red, white, and blue piñatas? Some of the piñatas have pictures of US presidents in them? Each district must collect 7 different president pictures? And put them in historical order? You know, politics.
8:27: Yellow team wins the Upper Class, primarily due to Zach's knowledge of presidential history. This is the perfect time for Kelsey (11-PA)--notable last week for her amazing insight into world religions, "I know a little bit about Jewish," and "What is Muslim?"--to point out that yes, the yellow team won because Zach knew a lot about presidential history, but that doesn't make him the best leader. "Look at George W. Bush, he's not smart at all and he won the U.S. President two times in a row." He won the U.S. President, you guys. HE WON THE U.S. PRESIDENT. I can't stop saying that. I also like her argument that Zach is smart but that doesn't make him a good leader because George Bush isn't smart and he won? So that means George Bush (who won U.S. President) is a great leader? Kelly, your mind continues to break mine open like a Jorge Luis Borges short story.
8:30: The town gets a reward. They can choose between a "political party" (which is "political" in so far as it is a barbecue of ribs, chicken, hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on pink grills in the shape of pigs?) or toothpaste. Everyone is screaming for meat. It comes down, as do most political fights, to those who have braces, and those who do not. On the one hand, you think "they should choose the toothpaste," and on the other hand you think, "wait, THEY DIDN'T HAVE TOOTHPASTE?"
8:31: The Town Council chooses the toothpaste and some kids lose their shit. For real.
8:37: The whole town is abuzz with the upcoming election. Taylor: "You can hate me or you can like me, but I'm not the type of girl who backs down from a fight." OK, well first of all, I hate you. Second of all, you back down from fights all the time. Her motto, for real, it's on her posters, is "deal with it." Awesome. It's like if George Bush would do what we've all been hoping and run for a historic third term and all his campaign materials said "George Bush 08: Fuck You."
8:38: Markelle (12-GA) jumps on one of Taylor's campaign posters with a pogo stick. Pogo stick = best smear campaign ever. Anjay begs him to stop, saying "This is everything that the real world is." Well, no. If it were the real world, Markelle would be using his pogo stick to lie about Taylor's sexual orientation in a best-selling book and claiming that she invented the internet. AM I RIGHT, YOU GUYS?
8:44: Town Meeting. "The Beast" (Greg, 15-NV) beats out Zach for the gold star. You've got to hand it to him. He hasn't raped anyone or, you know, beaten their face into a pulp with his man-fists. Greg is crying. "You guys have no idea what this means to me. This right here (the gold star), means I'm going to college." Oh man. That is so heartbreaking. The gold star is only worth 20k, guys. Greg is going to the shittiest college!
8:47: It's time to vote. The host, Jonathan "The Man Who Can Apparently Look People In The Eye And Say 'Yes, This Is What I Do For A Living'" Karsh says, "Pioneers, on your mark, get set, VOTE!" If you think that sounds like a ridiculous and unrealistic exaggeration of the voting process, wait until you find out that they didn't even disenfranchise the black kids! What kind of democracy is this?
8:50: Anjay beats Olivia to maintain his seat. No one on the green team even challenges Laurel (12-MA). Guylan DEMOLISHES Mike, who only gets one vote. Everyone cheers until they realize that Mike has buried his head in his arms and is crying.
8:53: The vote everyone's been waiting for: Zach versus Taylor. It comes down to one vote. I can't tell you how nervous I am for this, nor how much that makes me want to kill myself.
8:54: Despite her best Tammany Hall politics, Taylor loses. Zach yells "Viva La Revolución." If someone made a Che Guevara t-shirt but with Zach's face on it...OK, I still wouldn't wear it, but that would be funny. Not LOL funny, but, like, Facebook-status-update-caliber funny. Taylor says that she has trouble sitting on the lower benches in comparison to the Council up on the higher podium. You know, it's easy to get frustrated at Taylor, but her life is going to be such a miserable downward spiral of failed promise and rude awakenings that I just feel sad for her. Just kidding. Fuck that kid.
8:58: Greg calls his mom to tell her about the gold star, and I have to admit, she seems like the best parent we've seen so far. Whaa? OK, Greg, this is your official e-pology. I'm on your team now. From now on, Olivia will be known as "The Beast." That girl needs to get out of my face and into the inevitable secretary pool she's destined to drive crazy with her self-satisfied nagging and empty desperation born of existential dread.
Next Week: Bonanza City is full of garbage. Taylor doesn't like civilian life. What, no epic overbearing moralizing theme beaten to death?