LiveBlogging Kid Nation: Law & Order K-12

8:00: The host's voiceover recaps the previous two weeks: "The kids split into four districts, faced off in a showdown to determine who would be the upper-class and who'd clean latrines." You know who else has separated into districts to face off in a showdown to determine who will be the upper-class and who will clean latrines? Iraq. They probably just need to go out into the desert and compete in silly Double Dare competitions to see who can get the most colored water in a diaper or whatever. That ought to solve things. You're welcome, Iraq.

8:02: This week's episode is titled "Deal with It" which means things are about to get really tough in Bonanza City. What, do they run out of root beer? Oh, nope. The show kicks off in the saloon where kids are doing Irish Car Bombs by dropping shot glasses full of something into their root beer? One imagines that it's vanilla syrup, or some kind of medicine that helps you learn (or bleach). I'm not sure which is more appalling, that the kids know how to mimic Irish Car Bombs, or that when the producers were putting together a list of everything the kids would need someone was like "Oh, right, don't forget the shot glasses, you guys."

8:03: Seriously, the kids are just chugging root beer and screaming. It's basically a frat party but without the date rape or the explicit use of the word "fag."

8:03: Olivia (12-IN) didn't go to the party because she knew it was the showdown the next day and she would be so tired. Her body can't process root beer the way it used to. I see a lot of cats in Olivia's future.

8:07: Morning. All the kids are exhausted and no one wants to wake up. A couple of the kids, and I'm sorry, I hate to make generalizations, but let's just call them what they are: young women from Indiana, are all, "that's what you get for staying up all night." What no one is bothering to explain to me is if this is a town without adults and without rules, why do they have to get up in the first place? I don't understand Kids Nation these days.

8:09: The ever-helpful Olde Pioneere Booke suggests that in order to build a strong nation, you need to establish law and order, which means a lights-out curfew. Ah yes, the bedrock of any successful modern civilization: forced bed time.

8:10: Everyone is mad at Greg (The Beast) for waking them up by dragging them in their sleeping bags down a bunch of wooden steps and leaving them in a dirt road. In his defense, he calls an eight-year-old girl a bitch. Say what you will about The Beast's braces or acne or borderline personality, the kid is all class.

8:12: Now The Beast is basically just screaming at everyone, and every third word is bleeped out. In an interview, Laurel reiterates the town's need for law and order, because obviously a curfew is what calms an anti-social 15-year-old with discipline problems. Seriously, how many years until this kid joins Blackwater?

8:14: Morgan (12-IN) decides that she is going to straighten things out with The Beast and can I just point out two things: 1. Why are all the girls from Indiana? Is no one fit to parent over there? And 2. Morgan's jacket is filthy. The Beast walks away from her, which may seem rude, but seriously, you should see her jacket. It's like getting a lecture on manners from a bum. (If any bums are reading this on the computers at the public library, I'm just kidding.)

8:16: Morgan says that it's tough for her team to be laborers two weeks in a row because they're tired of being laborers. Next week: the children explore migrant farming and outsourcing to India.

8:18: Taylor, who runs the kitchen, woke up late, so they're not having breakfast today, she says, they're having brunch. She then proceeds to serve everyone a single spoonful of fried potatoes into their hands. As a Jew, I find this definition of "brunch" not only inaccurate, but offensive.

8:21: This week's showdown is in keeping with the theme of law and order? Because the Town Council are the sheriffs and the rest of the kids are their "posse"? And they are going to round up...criminal...sheep? And hang them? Like Saddam Hussein (right Savannah?) Each sheep has a name painted on it and there are wanted posters and playing cards and as usual I seriously have no idea what's going on and I've been to college. So good luck, babies.

8:23: One of the sheep they have to round up is named Opal and another one is named Ira. You know, the kinds of names criminals in the Old West would have.

8:29: Yellow team wins upper-class. The blue team is the merchant class. Red team comes in last place and are the laborers. For the first time, the green team is out of the labor class, and moving into the kitchen. And they all live in one apartment. I know what you're thinking, and that's racist.

8:31 Because all teams completed the challenge, the town wins an award. A frontier microwave (with a supply of nutritious hot cocoa) or 40 pizzas. The town council recognizes that the pizzas are what they want but the microwave is what they need. I'm not actually convinced that they need a microwave. Then again, I've never had to build a society, so I should probably shut up.

8:38: Kids are pissed that they don't get pizza. Which prompts Taylor to make the following observation: "President Bush today, he has to be like, he's kind of bossy like kind of mean sometimes because if you were to run a country like we're running this town you have to be bossy to get people's attention." So I guess...Iraq is the microwave? And the pizzas would have been healthcare for children? Whoops, Taylor is an idiot.

8:39: BORING PLOT TWIST ALERT: Mallory and Olivia are SISTERS, you guys.

8:40: Taylor says the red district (laborers) need to scrub the toilets harder because her butt is not shiny. Finally, someone who understands what being in the upper class is all about. I know she's 10 and everything, but Taylor's kind of an asshole.

8:41: This week's false drama involves a dust storm blows through the town. The outhouses have blown over. There is a lot of running and screaming. Everyone is huddled in the darkened saloon wondering if they will be able to weather the stinging sands.

8:42: Cut to: the sun is out and they put the outhouses upright. It seems over, but my heart is still POUNDING in my chest from the excitement.

8:44: The Town Council invites everyone into the chapel individually to ask who they think should get the gold star. It's an even split between Morgan and The Beast...until Olivia comes in and nominates Mallory, her sister, reminding the council that it's Mallory's birthday. It's pretty obvious the town is going to choose Mallory. It's nice to see that even children recognize the importance of birthdays over hard work.

8:49: Town Hall meeting. Taylor reminds everyone that she earned upper class so she doesn't care if people are mad. Olivia stands up and says "even when you did have a job, you didn't work," and the only way to describe her tone and facial expression is "45-year-old scrapbook enthusiast with a 'Your Mother Doesn't Work Here So Clean Up After Yourself' sign in her cubicle at work."

8:50: Taylor reminds everyone that being upper class is being king and queen, so they can do what they want. The town hates her. Being king and queen, it turns out, involves a lot of crying. Someone says "Taylor you're doing a bad job, deal with it." Call back!

8:51: The host, Jonathan Karsh, also known as the man whose career was in such dire straights that he leapt at the opportunity to live in the desert for 40 days and watch children suffer, asks the weekly question "Does anyone want to go home?" No. Something is deeply wrong with these children.

8:52: Mallory wins the gold star. Town Council member Anjay says that she is not physically strong, but she is mentally strong. As indicated by it being her birthday.

8:53: Mallory gets to talk to her parents. Her dad says that every morning he watches the bus pull up and says to himself "Mallory, where's the love?" I think I can answer that: the love is in New Mexico getting rickets, you shitty, shitty parent. Mallory tells them she thinks she's going to stick it out for the full 40 days. Her mom says, "That would make us really proud." Translation "Not having kids in the house for the first time in 10 years has rekindled our sex life in ways you cannot even imagine."

8:56: Mallory says in an interview, "We're proving that even though we may be younger and smaller than the adults, that we can still do just as much as they can." Yes Mallory. Working full time, paying taxes, raising children, and the hundreds of other daily adult responsibilities are basically the equivalent of getting a two-pound gold star for having your birthday. You did it. You should run for president.

Next week: religious differences threaten to tear the town apart and also snow.

Comments

[Charity]

(...wiping tears of laughter from my eyes)...i think that next week Tyra Banks needs to show up with the America's Next Top Model contestants.

you fill in the blanks as to what exactly they do in the town. might have something to do with the "saloon." might not.

i'm just sayin'.

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[jeskiley]

I swear, you're hilarious recaps have got me hooked to a show I would've normally shunned out of principle. I couldn't help but spread the good word to my fellow mom-friends today at open gym. That 2-lb gold star made MY heart pound.

I'm actually curious about next year's show, after kids have the previous season's footage to study and analyze. I'd bet they'd know quickly what was expected of them, and use that to their advantage. The town can be quickly stabilized and expansion can set in. I wonder if they'll use real Indians.

My favorite child star this show was Colton, facing off the bull. I wasn't sure if the animal would defend his territory, and I was waiting for a sensible adult to intervene. Either Colton knew he was the true sheriff in town, or the bull was a mellowed prop. That answer's probably obvious, but when I fully expect producers to allow a child to risk being mauled for entertainment, that's reality that makes my spine tingle.

[drblack]

I would have enjoyed this show more if there was a cache of automatic weapons to be found and used.
It could have been really fun( Oh Come On Now..i am being snarky)
Reality shows have NOTHING to do with reality...reality is what happens when you aren't watching TV.
They are game shows...and terrible ones at that.

[cinemaven]

Ok, I'll admit it.. I watched again this week. It's yet another hour I'll never get back but your column is much funnier because I saw the show so that almost makes it worthwhile.

I kept wondering what you'd be writing about as I watched (especially during the mindboggling hash browns in the hands part) and again, you didn't disappoint.

[Furry1968]

That was the funniest thing I have ever read on HuffPo....it was hysterical. My roommate and I are loving the show (about kids from Indiana and Georgia) but one thing that you missed, was that Dad seemed obviously, well, at best effete. And combined with the "Christian" labels the daughters applied to themselves, maybe Mom and Dad were in one of those "re-education" programs...just a thought....

Live Blog ANYTIME you want....

[TRYKER]

The "contests" they've injected into all the reality shows have actually ruined them.
The producers had a chance to show kids in their ghost town survival days doing their kid thing.
In fact, I wanted to see how they cope with the daily life.
This structured component obliterates the real story.
We barely get to see 3/4 of the kids, the camera is on a few...that detracts.
My jaw hit the floor when I saw "Upper Class, gets paid most, has to do nothing"...and they bought it! Laborers work the most, paid the least, its America!
Neocons in training, ho hum.