LiveBlogging Kid Nation: Save a Polar Bear, Ride an Eskimo

8:00: This week's episode is titled "Bonanza Is Disgusting." I agree. But while the title is talking about the garbage, I am talking about the children. AKA, the human garbage.

8:01: Recently deposed Town Council member Taylor (10-GA) claims she is putting pressure on Zach (10-FL) in retaliation for all of the pressure he put on her. It is a fair trade. When Taylor was on the town council, Zach asked her to please do her job and not spend all day in bed. Now that Zach is on the Town Council, Taylor puts that same kind of pressure on him by screaming in his face and spending all day in bed. Don't dish it out if you can't take it, Zach.

8:07: I'm not sure how many more times (how many episodes are left?) I can stress the ridiculousness of the "pioneer journal" but they really take things to a whole new level this week when the journal says "April 17, 1885: If you're reading this, you've been living in Bonanza City for over two weeks. You've got new leaders, new jobs, and a whole new set of problems." Apparently, Bonanza City was formerly called Hill Valley and it was settled by Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown.

8:09 The problem, of course, is garbage, which is so yucky, you guys. Garbage, pee-yew. The Town Council decides to take the garbage outside of town and bury it (after which they will "come back and rejoice," says Zach, the 85-year-old confirmed bachelor.) The kids assigned to the task are the older, stronger, more responsible kids, and also Taylor.

8:10: When they show a shot of the garbage pit, right on top of everything there is a two-pane window in a wooden frame. Obviously, it didn't go with the porcelain Edwardian roll top bath Taylor had installed in her private spa. WHAT IS THAT WINDOW? When kids are left in a ghost town for 40 days by themselves, they don't get Lord of the Flies, they get Christopher Lowell.

8:11: Instead of helping with the garbage, Taylor and Leila (NC-9) literally run away. They hide in a shed and cry. Their argument is that they are beauty queens and beauty queens do not shovel garbage into a cart and haul it out into the desert and bury it. Fair point. The only possible counter argument is that NO ONE shovels garbage into a cart and hauls it out into the desert and buries it. Taylor and Leila are informed that because they did not do the work assigned to them, they will be punished.

8:12: Now that Guylan (11-MA) is on the Town Council, he talks a lot about how he's going to do his best to be a leader and clean up the town. If doing his best at being a leader and cleaning up the town is anything like doing his best at being a long-haired mildly-androgynous home-schooled nerd who wears a bandana over a knit cap all the time, I don't think he has anything to worry about. But when it comes to doing his best at digging a hole, his 11-year-old arms are ineffective at digging the trash hole, Greg (15-NV, go TEAM GREG), in an interview, says "Guylan just kind of sucks." Well put, Greg. Very incisive.

8:15: At the last minute, fearing her punishment, Leila attempts to help with the hole digging, so Taylor faces punishment alone. "They're just, like, dictators." Wrong. Were they like dictators, sweet, darling Taylor, you would have been unceremoniously beheaded and buried with the garbage. Taylor's punishment is to haul water, which she also refuses to do. Note to Taylor's parents: good job, please have more kids.

8:22: Former Town Council member Mike (11-WA) is in the kitchens struggling to figure out how to use a potato peeler. It's hard being a civilian. Mike says, "It was almost like I was starting over." But actually, if you don't know how to use a potato peeler by the time you're 11, you're not really "starting over," you're just kind of "starting for the first time."

8:23: Showdown Time. I wonder what Jonathan Karsh does all week. I mean, how many times can you pluck your eyebrows and say "Pioneers, it's showdown time" into the mirror? There is a giant "frying pan" which is actually just a round pig pen full of 1600 gallons of "pork" and baked beans. The kids have to find colored cans and...forget it, Jake, it's Double Dare.

8:26: This Showdown has some of the most intensely bizarre moments of any Showdown so far. Like, when Laurel (12-MA) emerges from the pig pen covered in baked beans, Jonathan Karsh says "Nice one, Laurel." Nice one, what, Jonathan Karsh? You are a creep, dude. Other notable moments are when Olivia (12-IN) continues to refine her impression of a childless cat lady by peevishly complaining about Anjay's (12-TX) inability to find a colored can and says, "Jeez you would think the guy wouldn't take 10 minutes to find one can" with all of the self-satisfied impotence of a middle aged secretary who would kill herself if her many, many cats didn't rely on her to feed them. This is topped only by Anjay's response: "I don't have the muscle strength because my bones are still forming." Whoops, my heart just broke for that nerd.

8:32: Red district gets upper class, Green gets merchant class, Yellow goes back to the kitchens, and Blue are the laborers. But more importantly, what is the reward? Well, as Jonathan Karsh points out, "today we've been talking a lot about pollution, and that's what these choices are about." The Town Council can pick either fresh fruit and vegetables, or dune buggies with all the gas you need to keep them running. That's not really a decision between Mother Earth and fossil fuels as it is between scurvy and head injuries.

8:40: When the work is divvied up, Taylor and Leila are assigned to wash dishes, but they decide to make fruit salad instead. This is actually kind of awesome, because when Zach calls them lazy it allows them to make the classic "would a lazy person make fruit salad?" argument. Zach says he will never pay her and she can forget about the gold star, "FOREVER!" Careful, Zach. You should really consult Human Resources before making those kinds of statements. I'm just saying, I'd hate to see the Town Council get slapped with a costly unrightful termination suit.

8:41: DK (14-IL) breaks up a fight. Earlier he organized a team effort to refill the cistern. Everyone in interviews keeps talking about how great DK is. The guy has gold star written all over him. Two seconds later the Town Council unanimously agrees the only man for the gold star is DK.

8:44: Town Hall Meeting. Within moments, everyone is screaming at Taylor for being, well, for being Taylor. D "The Golden Child" K finally settles things by reminding everyone that they need to focus on themselves and not be so mean. What DK is doing here is maturely defusing tension in the group. Taylor, of course, says "Yeah, you need to stop with the criticism," totally missing the point. But the only way Taylor wouldn't miss the point is if it were dipped in gold and wearing a Swarovski-crystal-encrusted tiara, so no surprise there.

8:50: DRAMA: D "Gold Star Shoe-in" K wants to go home to "be with people he can deal with without all this drama." Adults, basically. Everyone is crying, seriously, everyone. It's getting very Dead Poets Society in here, but without the poetry, or education. And I don't think there were any black kids in Dead Poets Society. And no one actually likes Robin Williams. This is nothing like Dead Poets Society, sorry.

8:52: Guylan takes DK outside and explains that he can't leave. That was easy. DK handily wins the gold star, and explains that he has six brothers and sisters at home and he wants to see them all go to college. 20k split seven ways doesn't actually provide much in the way of tuition, but I'm on board, you guys. I still don't believe that kids can "build a better society," but I would definitely live in a society where people were as co-dependent as DK. You can take advantage of their desperate need to be loved and needed so easily, it's awesome.

8:53: DK calls his mom. I swear he says "I am feeling on top of a building." That can't be what he says. His mom says, "What's going on, 20,000 dollar man?" The whole family is there and everyone takes turns passing around the phone. Love it. Love these guys. They win. If you're reading this, I'm sorry, your family sucks. Unless you are DK, whose family is the only true family. So strong. Give it up for DK, you guys.

Next Week: The Town Council goes into an abandoned mine in search of Chester Copperpot, and the rest of the kids learn that "money changes everything." Can someone say "Ye Free Markete Lemonade Stande Economie."

Comments

[tweedy54]

So BEFORE anyone gets angry at my comments to follow.. Let me say that I do not have kids. So I don't take this show as seriously as some of you do.. I actually like the show, though I do agree with a lot of the criticism posted in this blog.
To the poster above, who said.. she "Would oh so send her kids to 'Kid Nation", MADE ME HOWL!!!
It reminded me when I was an art director in a sleep away summer camp..
BELIEVE ME.. there were MORE than enough parents who couldn't wait to drop their little brats off for 2 weeks.. I guarantee you that at some camps, albeit, there is some supervision, there isn't as much as you think.. This show reminds me of a very loosely run summer camp. You know there are enough adults around (shooting and guiding this show, that they won't kill each other).. regardless of what papers the parents signed.
You can tell how camera conscious a lot of the kids are.
Now about Taylor.. SHE IS HILARIOUS to me.. although she is a HORROR!!
I only hope when Taylor and her parents see this show, (as funny as I think she is sometimes)­... THEY WILL GET A CLUE!!.... PROBABLY NOT... esp.. when she will probably be offered her own TV reality show!!!
Mark my words!!!..­It's coming!!!
REMEMBER, these kids are a reflection of us.. so ..if you find DISDAIN, for this show..just look in the mirror. You will probably see yourself.

[jeskiley]

That was awesome, as usual. If I Love New York makes it to a third season, go there, please. You are Comedy Central here, you better start seeing a paycheck from this!

[Charity]

another good blog, gabriel, though it's difficult to trump the innate humor of that episode.

i've been thinking that as the weeks progress that $20,000 is looking more and more pathetic. cbs should send all of those little worker bees (okay, taylor/leila, step aside) to college on GE's dime.

and please, let me live long enough to see a follow-up on these kids as they proceed to adulthood.­..a cbs "seven-up," if you will (with apologies to michael apted). anyone, who at 10 years old can feel as entitled as taylor, is worthy of tracking to pin-point the exact hour when she realizes we revolve around the sun, not her.

and p.s., i think the rat was a cbs extra. i mean, really - bonanza city is miles from civilization in the freakin' desert with no recent/previous signs of habitation (nice western set, however) and now suddenly there's a lone rat culling over the garbage? i think he was trucked in just like the kids...and where is he now?

developing his own reality show, i assume.

rats nation! what happens when rats rule the world! oh, right! they already do!

-----

[frozenporklander]

Gabriel,

I've been following this for 4 weeks now and I have to say that you get the HuffPo gold star, man. Way too funny!

[caseyblab]

We have Taylor running our country,only he is 60 years old and lives in the White House.

[tweedy54]

You are oh.. so right!!!!!!!!

[Heustonmah]

All I kept thinking when watching that garbage scene is, "It would serve the self-serving parents of these children right if one of them got bit by a rat and contracted rabies and then they couldn't sue CBS." But I think my favorite part was the beginning, when Taylor and her entourage marched outside to inform Zach that everyone hates him and he has a unibrow. Logic does not figure into Taylor's world...if everyone hates Zach, then how did he beat her in the election? I believe it was the sorority girl in training, Kelsey, who told him he had the unibrow. She's practicing for humiliating and destroying the self-esteem of her future pledges, and there is no better way to do it than when surrounded by your equally shallow and superficial teammates.

[InofTouch]

and these kids well be paying for your SSN...if there any

[JPW]

Next time I don't feel like doing something, I'm starting a fruit salad.

[princessofnowt]

I'm SO glad you give me a good excuse to watch this...I'v­e been feeling guilty about watching a social experiment where the kids really have no idea of the ramifications of participating will be. Oh right- that would apply to any child star.
I've been telling myself it's the same kind of research as reading B.F. Skinner...­.
Now I'll do it for your blogs.

Laughing is good for my health, your blog makes me laugh ergo...

Ah well, I still have to keep trying to justify it to myself. The premise is just sinister, and I meant to boycott it.

What can I do, when you make it all so worthwhile?

[DanOregon]

DK is awesome - talk about a uniter and not a divider. But c'mon with the "reward choices" what's next guns or flowers? soap or spray paint?

[ORSunshine]

Still enjoying your run-down synopsis enough to skip watching the show and wait for your blog to appear the next day. Lovin' the HR mention and creepy-show-host illustration!

[jennbeez]

They are kids. They don't have any idea of how much 20K really is or how many kids it will put through college- zero.

I feel bad for Taylor that her 10 year old girl mistakes are being broadcast on national tv. That's gotta suck.

[gallstones]

In which case she should have declined the call back.

[nopartygal]

EEEyyuuuu!!! I can't believe you had the stomach to watch that whole thing. I've never watched it before but yesterday I paused on it for the first time and, after watching it for about 2 minutes (8:09, 8:10), I felt thoroughly nauseated - and it wasn't because of the garbage and the rats running around in it either. What a pathetic, revolting bunch of kids! Why is it that these "reality game shows" have to find the dregs of the pond scum of humanity in order to make their shows "interesting" to their viewers? Please don't tell me that these kids are representative of the masses of people for whom I am doing my damnedest to save the future, both politically and ecologically. Because, if it is, then forget the whole thing, the deal is off. I am going out and buying myself the biggest SUV I can get my hands on (a Humvee maybe?), I'm going to slather it from end to end with "Support Our Troops" stickers, then I'm going to drive it to Washington to do a photo-op with Bush and Nancy Pelosi and ask them to be sure and reinstate the draft before they attack Iran. Then I'm going to come back home and turn on all my incandescent lights in the house to burn 24/7, buy me a bunch of the most toxic spray and fertilization products I can find. Spray and scatter those around until my carbon footprint is as spread out as the fires burning in California and pray to sweet God Almighty that he speed up the global warming trend because I can tell you now, if these kids represent our future, then there is no future. We might as well live it up while we can, because even the polar bears wouldn't want to survive in a world that is ruled by the likes of these evil little brats.

[Willard41]

Dude, I was crying when DK wanted to leave, you insensitive jerk. Well, that was because my daughter jumped on my lap and hit me in the nads. I keep telling my kids they are ripe for Kid Nation. And criticize all you want, but the only reason Kid Nation took off and you are able to blog away (which, as I've posted before, the only reason I keep up with the show), but I would so send my kids to Bonanza City for 40 days. Hell, I let them go with their grandparents for near that long in the summer. Peace and Quiet and the shot at $20k...hel­ls yeah!

[AreYouSerious]

I am seriously laughing out loud and sending this to all my friends and I've never even seen this show. CLASSIC