LiveBlogging "Kid Nation"

8PM: The premier of Kid Nation. CBS reminds us that it's the "most talked about series of the fall." Yes, because of the whole bleach drinking thing. Oh, and the circumventing of child labor laws. "Judge for yourself." Too late. I judge it a winner.

8:01: OK, I'm sorry, but the leaders of Bonanza City (Bonanza City?) did not run it into the ground, because it was clearly built by set designers. That ghost town is in amazing shape! Only the richest, most fabulous Hollywood ghosts live there.

8:01: 40 kids. "They are every type of kid imaginable." Not quite. Here are some kids I can imagine that were not seen on the Kid Nation bus: Ethiopian extended-belly kids, kids with only one arm and only one leg. Kids who perform break-dancing on the subway with their older brothers for spare cigarettes. Kids who have first-hand experience with land mines and/or sulphuric acid. Also, nice work on having the voice over say "city kids" right when it stops on the black one. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!

8:02: Jimmy from New Hampshire thinks he's going to die out here. Gabe from New York thinks Jimmy from New Hampshire is going to die out here.

8:03: The kids are going to spend 40 days in Kid Nation. Why? 12 days seems like enough to get the point across. 30 would be a solid month. The only significance I can think of for 40 days is that Josh Hartnet movie about trying not to masturbate (and don't say Jesus because Jesus is not real.)

8:03: Up until now, the host has been bland and genial as a host should be, but when the bus full of lonely scared kids pulls up in the middle of the desert and he yells "GET OFF THE BUS," you realize that maybe there's more to Jonathan Karsh than we realized. Checking The Smoking Gun now.

8:04: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH. Some kids just showed up by helicopter because they have been chosen by the producers as "leaders" for the "Town Council." The spirit of Stalin lives!

8:04: The Indian kid (a leader because he is a "genius spelling bee champion," well we will see how well your familiarity with latin roots HAULS WATER THROUGH THE DESERT) just said that only three adults have ever done a "good job." George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Muhammed Ali. Sorry, Mahatma Ghandi. Hooray for cultural indoctrination.

8:04: Another leader, Laurel, says "I believe in my true beliefs and nobody's going to make me feel like I'm lying." She is a natural born leader, because that makes no sense.

8:05: The kids have been dropped off a FEW MILES from Bonanza City, and then forced to haul wagons full of supplies and livestock. Jonathan Kersh has no problem with this. Also: the leaders have been instructed to go to the chapel and find an old book for more information. The Koran?

8:06: Each week, the "top kid in town" will be awarded a gold star worth 20,000 dollars just as soon as they can find someone willing to melt down a gold star into counterfeit Sackajaweas.

8:08: City Kid (Black Kid) pulled a muscle in his leg. He is placed on top of the sacks of grain and backpacks in the wagon. This is teamwork. Teamwork for absolutely no reason. What is this fucking show, you guys?

8:10: There are no beds in this city, finally teaching kids what it is like to be in charge? They find a cookbook inside of an old wrought-iron stove and what does the Indian kid suggest they make? Rock candy. I predict scurvy and dysentery within three days. Oregon Trail!

8:15: Taylor, the beauty queen, is crying because she misses home, and by home she means "getting to eat protein, and healthy meals." Taylor, it should be noted, lives in a Whole Foods and is raised by professional dieticians.

8:16: Another kid points out that today has been the worst day in 3 years. Some serious shit went down back when he was 7, apparently.

8:17: Three of the leaders, two of whom are crying, reassure each other that tomorrow will be much better. I'm guessing the reason they think this is that one of the producers lied to them and told them the show had been cancelled, because if things keep going the way they are clearly going, tomorrow is not going to be much better.

8:18: The kid who just had the worst day in 3 years? He said, and I quote, "I'm very hungry, and as Martin Luther King Jr. said, 'I have a dream.'" His dream was apparently of having unpasteurized goat's milk and one pancake, which is breakfast.

8:21: The first attempt at a group meeting goes really badly and everyone is arguing and one kid is a bully and he pushes the over-bearing "leader" who is main political platform seems to be yelling and whining. Then this would-be surfer kid stands up and reminds everyone that this is not just about them as individuals, it is about showing that kids can get organized and work cooperatively. These kids don't actually think that if they succeed at this, whatever success would mean, that they'll be put in charge of everything, do they?

8:23: The leaders find an "old "book in the chapel left by Bonanza City's pioneering settlers, and Production Assistants that provides the kids with important information. It tells them how to organize and run the community according to traditional values. In the 1800s, everyone divided up into Blue, Red, Yellow, and Green teams to survive.

8:27: Two of the older boys grafittied "blue" all over the town with chalk, and it's making the kids upset. It's kind of adorable. Mad about chalk! THERE IS A WAR GOING ON, GUYS. Maybe this isn't a fair comparison, but I don't think the children of Iraq would be too concerned by "go blue!" being scribbled on a doorframe.

8:29: Jonathan Karsh is a monster. He asks one of the kids "do you miss your parents?" and when the kid gives a sniffly affirmative, he responds "I think we all miss our parents." You know how sometimes you wish you could go back to being a kid, knowing what you know now? I wish I could go back to being a kid and get on this show and knuckle-punch Jonathan Karsh in the throat.

8:30: OK, so the kids are going to get paid for their jobs, but on scale. Laborers get 10 cents, Cooks get 25 cents, Merchants get 50 cents, and the "Upper-Class" get one dollar. Their jobs are decided by a "show-down." Someone's going to die.

8:40: The challenge involves Kool Aid oil derricks, physical exhaustion, and shame. Since all the teams finished within the one hour time limit, the town gets a reward. They can either have 7 more out-houses, OR they can have a TV. (The TV is from 1962, btw.) HAHAHHAHA. OK, so one kid has a dynamite reason to choose the TV over not-even-sanitary-but-better-than-what-they-have-toilets: "What if there was a tornado coming? How would we know?"

8:41: They choose the bathrooms. Amazing. Kids could RULE THE WORLD.

8:43: Sophia (14-FL) feels like she is surrounded by a lot of dumb people. No, Sophia, you are surrounded by a lot of 8-year-olds. It's close, but it is different.

8:44: There is a candy store, a pogo stick store, and a root beer store in this town. Which I think goes really far in explaining why the original settlers of Bonanza City failed.

8:46: Sophia is dancing in the middle of the street hoping to get some change from the other kids, as she is only a Laborer making 10 cents a day, and wants the three dollar bicycle from the Pogo Stick Store. Dancing? Just wait until she discovers how lucrative BJs and HJs are.

8:47: Wow! She gets enough money for the bike. Seriously, she's one fuck away from a Ferrari.

8:53: The first Town Council meeting. Sophie is unhappy with the work the council is doing, but her main complaint seems to be that the yellow team didn't wash the dishes after cooking breakfast. Well, guess what Sophie, you can whore yourself out all you want for a bike, but at the end of the day you're still a Laborer, so clean up my shit and sit down. Right?

8:54: Jonathan Karsh asks the all important question, which he says he will ask in every Town Meeting. "Does anyone want to go home?" I'd like to offer the producers a suggestion, if anyone doesn't want to go home, shoot them, because they are retarded. (And you should shoot retarded people, apparently.)

8:54: Oh, no, it gets better. He singles kids out and asks the how they are feeling and if they want to go home. Because one thing that Jonathan Karsh knows is that kids benefit psychologically by being singled-out in front of their peers and made to feel week and inferior. Look out Dr. Spock!

8:55: Sad moment, guys. Jimmy wants to go home. On the plus side, no need to shoot him.

8:57: Jonathan Karsh holds up the gold star trophy. The council awards it to Sophia. It's worth 20,000 dollars. The kids are amazed. That is so much mac and cheese. So many Nintendo Gameboy DS Lite games. But the real reward is that she is given the key to the "only building in Bonanza City that has phones." As a reward, she is allowed to call her parents. This show is way more fucked up than we had realized. As they show Sophia talking to her mother, we are given our first glimpse at one of the world's 40 worst parents.

9:00: The kids all scream "Bonanza City!" and do shots of root beer. Nice. The credits roll to two kids having a wicked bandana slap fight that honestly doesn't look playful or fun at all. It's only harmless because there weren't any baseball bats or tire irons in the Old West. When they cut to commercial, the bandana fight is still going.

9:00: Next week: running! Scheming! Bad parenting! Kids!

Comments

[Spookcatcher]

I saw this show just because of your commentary. It clearly showed such small differences between kids or as Adults. I recognized all the same types of personalities and qualities as well as the human faults we all display when out of our element and in our challenges and among peers that we have serious concerns about our safety. The Host is the worst. He is an Ass.

[angel66]

anybody who would watch this for pleasure has no head nor heart. and i'm sure there are plenty of proclaimed liberals who eat this crap up. disgusting.

[sneezeguard]

I thought he did say, "Mahatma Ghandi." Honestly. Did I superimpose what I wanted to hear?? Did he really say Ali?

When does this damn thing replay? Great American TV, something that we FINALLY didn't steal from the Brits, all else being equal. Of course it may in fact be awesomely detrimental, damaging and irreversable for the kids, but that's Les's problem.

[Danothemoderateguy]

I'm going to start watching this show right away. Anything to hasten the end of the republic can't be all bad, can it? "Kid Nation" seems to have it all: Child neglect, racial stereotypes, mind-warping trauma, and a lesson in American free market economic system thrown in just for fun! These kids have to learn early that they'll spend their entire adult lives working their asses off to buy crap they don't need. The only thing missing is the crippling, soul-crushing, revolving debt. Bravo C.B.S., you've made the most reprehensible reality show in television history.

[JScott]

Have no urge to watch it as for this bit about live blogging is it live blogging watching the PREVIOUSLY TAPED SHOW on TV? If networks were really edgy they'd be doing it in real time (just like early TV) but I guess that's just too edgy for corporate media.

[Aileengil]

I found this recap hilarious. Made me go the network website and watch the episode online.. you maybe got me hooked to see what is next.. another child wanting to go home??? a fight break out?? mutiny on the bounty?? I see marbles... HAH!

[realitycheck7]

Who is the target audience for this program?

[lakat]

I have to admit, I watched it but felt bad about it all the way through. I am all for teaching kids responsibility and having them share chores at home to understand that everyone pitches in. But, why do kids need to feel that they can be independent of their parents? Do the producers know something we don't?

Kids need to know that they have parents to look after them and make life decisions for them. I am totally against having children behaving like adults. Let them be kids while they are kids. Adulthood comes fast enough. Bravo to Jimmy who didn't let anyone fast talk him into staying. He said it best, "I think I'm too young to be doing this." No sh*t.

I love the recap Gabriel! It might even make me watch another episode...but I'll still feel bad about it!

[JaneMcGivney]

I am SO JEALOUS. I caught most of this show, found it totally hilarious (probably when the girl started dancing for nickles) and vowed to recap it. Damn you, Gabe. Damn you.

[hippynanainblingland]

I did watch it, out of curiosity, and was mightily disappointed. I expected that the ads stating that there would be no adults around meant just that, but nooooo!

I was looking forward to seeing what kind of society kids would have created with no adults around. HAH!!! The society was created for them by adults, mirroring our own fucked up world: top dogs, earning the most for the least amount of work, and underdogs, earning the least for the most dirty jobs.

I could go on with more details of my disappointment, but what for? What could have been an interesting study on whether or not kids would have inevitably created a "lord of the flies" society, or not, was negated by the interference of adults, who should have had the role of ONLY providing the necessities of survival, not of creating their society along the lines of our own overly competitive world.

Just one more thing, though: The mother of the winner of the gold star must have had a camera crew just waiting around to film her reaction to her daughter's news... was it known in advance who would win the first gold star? Or maybe there were camera crews in all the kids' homes? Yeah, right.

And another thing: the gold star bribe... because that is what this "prize" will become. Now the kids are "cooperating" (or not--some will inevitably do things to make their rivals look bad, to make themselves look better!) not because it is in the best interest of the group to do so, but to get the prize!

What a con!

[huffnpuffn]

Gold Star, not gold store.

And Jimmy is PRECIOUS.

[jeskiley]

I started out a skeptic, but reading through your hilarious recap, I just might tune in. Could you please recap next week's show too? I'll put you in my favorites.

[huffnpuffn]

Oh please. American children need to do more "hard labor". It'd definitely improve their character. What drove me nuts watching this show was that NONE of them knew how to cook. Not even boiling noodles for mac & cheese. Only Sophia was able to follow a recipe. That's messed up. It seems like at least one of those children would have helped out their parents in the kitchen at some point in time.

Speaking of the kitchen, how about that crackheaded old stove they're making those kids use? Talk about your safety issues.

Overall I liked this show a lot. I don't think it'll kill kids to be a little independent and out on their own and have to work for once. All the complaints from people that this show is evil are just ridiculous. However, I don't see how any parent could let their child on this show. There's a difference between making your child mow the lawn and clean up after himself and sending him out in the desert with possibly one toilet.

Last thing - how fake was it when Sophia was talking on the phone with her mom? Did they have camera crews set up in each parent's house in case their kid won the gold store or was that completely staged.

[Ingsocittome]

Wow. I was touched by the show but after reading your blog all I wanted to do was drown kittens. I think you are right, the show should have been severely depressing, that would have stopped the war right? The show was brilliant because it showed us the past and the future. The kids were like little mirrors reflecting their ubringing at times, at at other times they were more. They personified what we had lost and what we must gain back, innocence. Maybe you should watch The Breakfast Club again and pay close attention when Ally Sheedy says, "When you grow old, your heart dies."

[squawkbox]

On the other hand, living in an artificial TV-set designed to appear like the so-called Old West and having access to harmful chemicals without proper supervision, all the while being goaded by the production crew, exemplifies "innocence"?

I suggest you turn off your TV if the message you got from this show is one of blissful childhood innocence.

This show is about as innocent as Paul Reubens in an adult movie house.

[Ingsocittome]

The children "personified innocence", not the program itself. They did this by helping eachother (strangers) and caring about eachother instead of constanty competing, something we could all learn to do more of.

[rabb046]

Seriously, a Paul Reubens reference? Surely you can think of some guilty party from THIS decade to use as an analogy. A few to choose from...

This show is about as innocent as Larry Craig in an Airport Restroom.

This show is about as innocent as Floyd Landis in France.

This show is about as innocent as Ted Stevens in Alaska.

This show is about as innocent as O.J. Simpson on planet Earth.

Leave Paul Reubens alone already.

[cinemaven]

Honey, if you believed Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club when she said "When you grow old, your heart dies." then you're a neo maxi zoom dweebie. (yikes, I had no idea I had a Breakfast Club quote rattling around in my brain)

You're also in for a big surprise when you grow up since not only does your heart NOT die, it grows.

Those kids had no innocence. Every one of them (except the angel who was so much smarter than his parents and decided to go home) was a hypercharged "Actor".

I have to say, I did get a kick out of the show. I have very little animosity towards CBS or the production company.. all my ire is reserved for the parents. Especially the parents of the little ones. To pimp out your kid when you know that not only will they be yanked from school for 40 days with no onset tutor, they will be living with 12-15 yr. olds with raging hormones and as a parent you signed a contract with a clause that holds the production company no libel if your 8 yr. old gets an STD. Now that's parenting for ya.

My 15 yr. old has already decided which of them will be found at the bottom of the well. I heard him chanting "piggy, piggy, piggy" at one point when Jonathan Karsh was speaking...

I'll be watching again. It'll be interesting to see these kids evolve as they gain distance from their hideous stage parents.

Fabulous recap Gabriel!

[Ingsocittome]

Thank you for the perfect example of "soccer parenting". 40 days without juice boxes and anti-bullying lessons at school is horrible parenting.

You know you are heartless when you are worried about STD's with 8 year olds.

[azn1011]

i have no interest in watching this show. if i wanted to see children put to hard labor, i'd move to Bangladesh.