LiveBlogging "Kid Nation": All the President's Kids

8:00: Previously on Kid Nation: Remember the non-denominational religious service from last week? Apparently that taught us that "kids prefer to be asked not told." I think it actually taught us that kids prefer root beer shooters to an ungrounded tribute to God led by other kids. This week's episode is titled "Viva La Revolución!"

8:02: Anjay reveals that every couple of days, the Town Council gets up at 5:30 and goes to read the Pioneere Journale. What? 5:30? It's bad enough that the journal was put together by a depressed film student summering as a production assistant, dipping each page carefully in a cup of cold, bitter, craft services coffee to make it look olde. 5:30 is so early. Then again, that's why I'm not on any Town Councils.

8:03: There will be an election. That must be the revolución they're talking about. That's too bad. I was hoping it was going to be the masked gunmen, seize the airport type of revolution. The Town Council looks nervous about the prospects of an election. How long until Karl Rove starts spreading the rumor about Mike's (11-WA) illegitimate half-black baby?

8:06: As with every election, this one begins with a food fight. Anjay (12-TX), being a leader, tries to get the unwashed masses (literally) to stop. The People see this as a perfect opportunity to throw food into Anjay's face and then run over and dump a mug of what looks like AIDS on him. Anjay, as with any politically savvy incumbent up for re-election, threatens to smash a ceramic mug in someone's face.

8:10: Olivia (12-IN) comes to the kitchens to tell Anjay that she is running against him in the most smirking voice her 12-going-on-45 year old cigarette face can muster, but more importantly, ANJAY IS STILL COVERED IN FOOD. By election day, I suspect the race will come down to Olivia and an Anjay-shaped swarm of flies.

8:10: Guylan (11-MA) opposes Mike for Red District leader, which Mike cannot believe because on the first day, Guylan addressed Michael as "sir." I would like to direct Michael to Robert Green's The 48 Laws of Power:
Law 1: Never Outshine the Master.
Law 3: Conceal Your Intentions.
Law 14: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.
Law 15: Crush Your Enemies Totally.
What Mike doesn't know about political manipulation could fill a best-selling self-help book popular among hip hop artists.

8:14: Zach (10-FL) gives his stump speech, music soars, and he closes with "Don't tell me that you're going to vote for me, tell me that you agree with me." Seriously, it's somewhere between the moment on the West Wing when Martin Sheen announced he was going to run despite his MS, and the moment in Meatballs when Bill Murray convinced the campers at Camp North Star to take on the Mohawks.

8:14: Taylor's response? "I was like, yeah, that was a pretty good speech, but it's not the best I've ever heard." Very true. There are some great speeches out there, you guys. Never settle.

8:20: Showdown time. It is a "very political showdown." There is a field filled with red, white, and blue piñatas? Some of the piñatas have pictures of US presidents in them? Each district must collect 7 different president pictures? And put them in historical order? You know, politics.

8:27: Yellow team wins the Upper Class, primarily due to Zach's knowledge of presidential history. This is the perfect time for Kelsey (11-PA)--notable last week for her amazing insight into world religions, "I know a little bit about Jewish," and "What is Muslim?"--to point out that yes, the yellow team won because Zach knew a lot about presidential history, but that doesn't make him the best leader. "Look at George W. Bush, he's not smart at all and he won the U.S. President two times in a row." He won the U.S. President, you guys. HE WON THE U.S. PRESIDENT. I can't stop saying that. I also like her argument that Zach is smart but that doesn't make him a good leader because George Bush isn't smart and he won? So that means George Bush (who won U.S. President) is a great leader? Kelly, your mind continues to break mine open like a Jorge Luis Borges short story.

8:30: The town gets a reward. They can choose between a "political party" (which is "political" in so far as it is a barbecue of ribs, chicken, hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on pink grills in the shape of pigs?) or toothpaste. Everyone is screaming for meat. It comes down, as do most political fights, to those who have braces, and those who do not. On the one hand, you think "they should choose the toothpaste," and on the other hand you think, "wait, THEY DIDN'T HAVE TOOTHPASTE?"

8:31: The Town Council chooses the toothpaste and some kids lose their shit. For real.

8:37: The whole town is abuzz with the upcoming election. Taylor: "You can hate me or you can like me, but I'm not the type of girl who backs down from a fight." OK, well first of all, I hate you. Second of all, you back down from fights all the time. Her motto, for real, it's on her posters, is "deal with it." Awesome. It's like if George Bush would do what we've all been hoping and run for a historic third term and all his campaign materials said "George Bush 08: Fuck You."

8:38: Markelle (12-GA) jumps on one of Taylor's campaign posters with a pogo stick. Pogo stick = best smear campaign ever. Anjay begs him to stop, saying "This is everything that the real world is." Well, no. If it were the real world, Markelle would be using his pogo stick to lie about Taylor's sexual orientation in a best-selling book and claiming that she invented the internet. AM I RIGHT, YOU GUYS?

8:44: Town Meeting. "The Beast" (Greg, 15-NV) beats out Zach for the gold star. You've got to hand it to him. He hasn't raped anyone or, you know, beaten their face into a pulp with his man-fists. Greg is crying. "You guys have no idea what this means to me. This right here (the gold star), means I'm going to college." Oh man. That is so heartbreaking. The gold star is only worth 20k, guys. Greg is going to the shittiest college!

8:47: It's time to vote. The host, Jonathan "The Man Who Can Apparently Look People In The Eye And Say 'Yes, This Is What I Do For A Living'" Karsh says, "Pioneers, on your mark, get set, VOTE!" If you think that sounds like a ridiculous and unrealistic exaggeration of the voting process, wait until you find out that they didn't even disenfranchise the black kids! What kind of democracy is this?

8:50: Anjay beats Olivia to maintain his seat. No one on the green team even challenges Laurel (12-MA). Guylan DEMOLISHES Mike, who only gets one vote. Everyone cheers until they realize that Mike has buried his head in his arms and is crying.

8:53: The vote everyone's been waiting for: Zach versus Taylor. It comes down to one vote. I can't tell you how nervous I am for this, nor how much that makes me want to kill myself.

8:54: Despite her best Tammany Hall politics, Taylor loses. Zach yells "Viva La Revolución." If someone made a Che Guevara t-shirt but with Zach's face on it...OK, I still wouldn't wear it, but that would be funny. Not LOL funny, but, like, Facebook-status-update-caliber funny. Taylor says that she has trouble sitting on the lower benches in comparison to the Council up on the higher podium. You know, it's easy to get frustrated at Taylor, but her life is going to be such a miserable downward spiral of failed promise and rude awakenings that I just feel sad for her. Just kidding. Fuck that kid.

8:58: Greg calls his mom to tell her about the gold star, and I have to admit, she seems like the best parent we've seen so far. Whaa? OK, Greg, this is your official e-pology. I'm on your team now. From now on, Olivia will be known as "The Beast." That girl needs to get out of my face and into the inevitable secretary pool she's destined to drive crazy with her self-satisfied nagging and empty desperation born of existential dread.

Next Week: Bonanza City is full of garbage. Taylor doesn't like civilian life. What, no epic overbearing moralizing theme beaten to death?

Comments

[thesimulacra]

You forgot the part where Zach talked to one of Taylor's posse (Rachel? Something.):

Zach (coyly): "Hey I just wanted you to know that if you like having someone that lets you not do anything then it's okay for you to vote for Taylor. But if I was leader I would do things that I think would like, make this town a better place."

[Rachel?]: "Okay. Thanks Zach." *clap clap clap*

I'm going to try that approach the next time I try to convince my conservative Uncle to vote for a Democrat.

[amyb]

This blog continues to hit the nail on the head. On its face this show is pretty lame, but when you start thinking about it this way, it's highly entertaining. Although I tend to doubt we'll see another season or hear from any of these kids ever again.

[LenP]

Sophia Rocks.

[MarciaJ720]

Love this blog and the show (kids are too cute). However, knowing there are many more "Taylors" out there scare the crap out of me. What NY Park Avenue apartment did she come from as she has no clue about the real world (her parents obviously suck as parents).

Remember, these kids will be adults one day and the show will be over and in 50 years they will come and re-interview them about their experience.

[tweedy54]

I'm sorry but I love this show.. It is funny as hell!!! Taylor, as horrible as she is, cracks me up!!! We knew she was going to be voted off the council, as well she should, which will only make her worse, if that's possible!! She is really a character, that is why the camera is on her all the time.
I wonder what this show would be like if there was no adult intervention?
Your blog has me laughing out loud!!
Thanks for your extremely funny commentary!!
See you next week!!

[jennbeez]

Kids at Taylor's age are little mirrors into their parents' souls. Her parents are probably dictatorial control freaks who run around saying "deal with it" whenever they issue an edict. I'll bet they cringe in self-recognition when they see the show...Bwahahah.

[kennybean]

I thought I was going to watch Kid Nation, but within 10 minutes realized I wasn't. Living it through you is the best. Hi-LARIOUS. Oh god, I hope the networks are working on something equally repugnant to air when this is over, so you can continue to fulfill your destiny.

[Charity]

this continues to be funny shit. bravo, dude. for real.

again, i leave it up to you to fill me in during runs back and forth between "pushing daisies," but i must say this week "kid nation" had me breathless with anticipation of taylor's dethronement.

oh, how the mighty mouse has fallen. next week: taylor loses her grip on reality tv and sets up shop in the saloon. sugar highs all around, bartend!

as for greg finally winning the gold star - greg, sweet thing, $20,000 will buy you about nine months at a land grant state university. sorry, buddy, but you must continue to kiss ass on the show and win at least three more.

and as for george bush winning a U.S. PRESIDENT - i have to ask if it comes with civil liberties or not. if not, then i would have preferred to win a gold star and a ticket to ....well, anywhere where democracy is still revered or at the very least, the weather is nice.

-----

[Basil]

It’s actually embarrassing to have to explain to friends that I watch the show ONLY so that I can read your blog with complete and total comprehension. Clearly it sounds to them like a pretty feeble excuse. It isn't.

Thank you!

[barryjnelson]

While I am a fan of both the show and your liveblog (thanks for your hard work), I am still cringing at your comment about what was thrown on Anjay. I'm sure your HIV+ positive readers really enjoyed that.

[SevereTireDamage]

I still don't care.

[ORSunshine]

Again, the funniest thing I've read all day -- and I feel like I'm getting the best part of the show without actually having to watch it! Thanks for your hard work and perserverance. I'm sure you have better things to do on a Wednesday night (well, maybe you have TiVo...).

[Willard41]

Dude, I just watch this show for the kids and your running blog. I could care less about the show, but your commentary is the bomb. It is the best multi-slacking I do at work on every Thursday morning.