X-Treme Success!

Well, the troop surge in Iraq is finally complete, and the first reports* from Baghdad should lay to rest the months of speculation about whether or not the surge would be effective.

As of today, the streets of Baghdad are paved with chocolate and every single citizen was issued his own noisemaker, light-up LA Gear tennis shoes, and bucket of popcorn shrimp. The rain clouds parted mid-day and confetti and Skittles rained down from the skies, while Americans and Iraqis danced arm in arm and sang that duet by Beyonce and Shakira. Love was made. As one soldier recounted, "Things were going pretty good with the surge, but no one could have anticipated that when the last pair of boots hit the ground it would signal the return of Unicorns and that the Tigris river would actually turn into Mountain Dew. I fucking love Mountain Dew!" The change has been so abrupt that the entire region has collapsed into a fit of giggling and tickle parties. Candy is free and everyone gets a pony! Ibiza!

HOORAY! I FUCKING LOVE MOUNTAIN DEW, TOO!

* Invented