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Despite What You Heard, Ben Affleck Is Not Playing the Role of Batman

09/09/2013 07:01 pm ET | Updated Nov 09, 2013

The fanboys are very upset about the news; they don't want to see a Ben Affleck version of Batman.

But the world wide dork web is missing the bigger picture. Ben Affleck is not going to play the role of Batman. Instead, Affleck has signed on to play Bruce Wayne. It's the suit that is playing Batman.

Bruce Wayne is a bland, boring, white guy with good hair. I've seen Ben Affleck in a lot of movies. He can absolutely play a bland, boring, white guy with good hair. Did you see Pearl Harbor? I'm not a big fan of the film. But Affleck was utterly convincing as a bland, boring, white guy with good hair. Argo was a fantastic movie. In the film, based on a true story, Affleck plays CIA agent Tony Mendez. In real life, the actual Tony Mendez is Hispanic. But somehow Ben Affleck was able to put his own spin on the character... playing the role as a bland, boring, white guy with good 1970's hair. And it was very believable.

I heard some of the fanboys are so upset about the casting decision that they're trying to start up a petition. But why? They're fanboys. They're geeks. Petition or no petition, they're still going to line up for the movie when it opens. That's what geeks do. I mean, Batman could be played by Rudy Huxtable, the precocious youngest daughter from the Cosby Show, and the fanboys will still see the movie four times during opening weekend. (Just for the record, I'm opposed to Rudy Huxtable as Batman. She's just not tall enough.)

A petition? To drop Ben Affleck from playing Batman? Wow. Do you remember when petitions used to be about something important? Damn, it seems like only yesterday that I was signing a petition to impeach the actor who played President George W. Bush for eight years.

But I digress.

Ben Affleck is going to play the role of Bruce Wayne. And nobody cares about Bruce Wayne. We want to see Batman. And Batman, I'm absolutely sure, is going to be played by a really sleek, cool-looking, state-of-the-art bat suit. The actor in the suit? Eh, who cares?

I loved the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy. The stories had depth. The cinematography was breathtaking. The action was heart-pounding. The music was stirring. But, I have to admit, the thing I loved most about those movies was the suit: the armor, the mask, the cape. I mean, damn that was a cool-looking suit. I don't know if I was watching Christian Bale or a stunt double or Screech from Saved by the Bell. I don't know who was in the suit. And I don't care. I just like looking at the suit... and the car.

My prediction? When the new bat suit is finally revealed, the fanboys will be pleased.

As for Ben Affleck, he's probably a good choice for the Bruce Wayne role. Affleck adds some movie star power to the film. He has nice cheekbones. He seems intelligent. And, like Bruce Wayne, he is likeable but not loveable. He'll be fine.

Actually, the fanboys are ignoring the real issue. The question mark is not Ben Affleck. Rather... it's "Will this movie be as awful as its predecessor, Man of Steel?" God what a piece of dogsh*t. It doesn't matter who is wearing the Batman suit. If this is going to be another two-and-a-half hours of plotless mass destruction, a Russell Crowe hologram wandering around aimlessly, and longwinded speeches about the future of the Kryptonian race, then it will take a lot more than Batman to save the movie.

And if the filmmakers really want to create some buzz, change the question from "Who will play Batman?" to "Who will play Wonder Woman?" You know, superheroes don't always have to be men.

And...

As for the Superman suit? Bring back the red underwear.