You've heard people complain, "Don't talk about me behind my back! If you're going to insult me, do it to my face."
This is stupid, of course -- and weirdly masochistic. I mean, if you have something negative to say about me, do it behind my back. Why would I want to hear it? You're not Simon Cowell and I'm not auditioning for American Idol. Heck, that's why we have friends- to get together so that we can critique our mutual friends.
"And now the bride and groom would like to exchange their wedding insults. They wrote their personal attacks themselves."
There's something so self-absorbed and self-entitled that one would demand you insult him to his face. I mean, can't I have my behind-your-back insults for myself? Not everything is about you. I can't stand this "selfie" generation. It's not a coincidence that those bathroom mirror selfies you post are literally behind-your-back.
Nevertheless, if you are indeed going to insult me to my face, at least do it directly.
There's nothing worse than those subtle jabs, backhanded compliments, mean-spirited suggestions, and all that condescending crap advice. Well, maybe childhood poverty... but not by much. You're not helping when you offer unasked-for constructive criticism; you're just being a dick.
Don't roll your eyes when I tell you I'm thinking of going back to school. Just tell me you don't think I can handle it. Be direct. Don't give me a scale for my birthday. Just say I'm fat.
Incidentally, as a matter of fact, I've lost 130 pounds, thanks to my strict diet regimen of healthy Subway sandwiches and inedible prison food. (Oh what, we're not doing Jared jokes anymore? Hey, at least they're more relevant than American Idol references.)
But there's a new indirect-insult craze that's sweeping the nation. It's the "I don't have time for that" insult.
"I'm having a lot of fun on Facebook. You should join."
"Eh, I don't have time for that."
Well, of course you have time for that. You're engaged in an unimportant conversation about Facebook. You could be using that time to join Facebook.
But, see, this response is not about their time. Rather, it's about your time. Specifically, they're saying, "I do important things with my time because I'm an important person. You are a loser. Therefore, your time- like your life- is meaningless." And, I beg your pardon, my life is not meaningless. Well, I mean, it sort of is... but no more than yours. Wait- are you a Kardashian?!
Facebook itself is an ocean of self-important people complaining that they don't have the time to do all the silly crap that makes up your tiny, insignificant life.
When engaged in fiery Facebook debate, one sometimes gets an angry "your stupid comments are wasting my time." Perhaps. But my smart comments are also wasting your time. You are on Facebook, by definition, to waste time. That's the whole point of Facebook and Instagram and reality television and having children.
"I enjoy the Real Housewives of New York. I think you'd like it."
"I don't have time for that."
Umm... yes, you do. Are you a secret agent? Did you take a second job driving a truck at night? Are you experiencing some sort of unprecedented time-space continuum in which you only have 18 hours in your day? No? Good. Then you have plenty of time for that. I hate to break it to you, but just because you're getting your floors cleaned on Wednesday doesn't mean you never have the time to watch Bravo.
I Don't Have Time For That has an ugly sibling. His name is I'm Too Busy.
News Flash: You're not so busy.
"I play Words with Friends. Ever play?"
"I'm too busy."
Busy? Doing what? Writing your novel? Building orphanages in Romania? You're not so busy you lazy piece of sh*t.
"I'm too busy" means "you are not busy." Because your worthless life is nothing but frivolity, while my day is filled with serious, important endeavors. Heck, if not for goofy games, you'd be doing nothing.
And nobody ever says, "I'm too busy playing my own goofy games on-line." No, it's that, unlike you, they're doing something worthwhile with their time. "I'm too busy for games."
I Don't Have Time For That and I'm Too Busy share the same mother. Her name is Shut-up.
Shut-up isn't just a verbal attack. It's also the worst kind of insult. Shut-up means that you have no value; you're small and without purpose. Shut-up has intention. Shut-up is just another way of saying, "I'm better than you."
But you're not better than me. And you're not busier than I am. And you do have the time. Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation... that you're having during your free time.
Do you know the real reason why you're not on Facebook and why you're not watching my TV shows and you're not playing online games? Because you don't want to. And that's fine. Do what you want. But just be honest. Say, "I don't want to." And then if you want to insult me, then if you feel a need to tell me that the stuff you do to fill the 24 hours in your day is more important than the stuff I do to fill the 24 hours of my day, be clear and direct.
But be warned. I have a new etiquette plan of attack.
"I'm having a lot of fun on Facebook. You should join."
"Eh, I don't have time for that."
"Okay, I'm also driving over to the local shelter to help feed the poor. Wanna come with?"
"I enjoy the Real Housewives of New York. I think you'd like it."
"I don't have time for that."
"Totally understand. I also enjoy donating blood. I think you would, too. Can you spare an hour?"
"I play Words with Friends. Ever play?"
"I'm too busy."
"No prob. What are your busy with? Maybe I can help?"
If you have a disease, well that's not my business. But if you say, "I have a disease," then it's not unreasonable to ask, "What's the disease?" I didn't ask if you had time, if you were too busy. You put it out there. Hence, it's perfectly appropriate for me to inquire further. "Why don't you have time? What are you doing? Really? How long does that take? Really? What are you doing after that? And after that? Are you ever not busy? And what do you do during those hours? Really? And then what?
And... well, I have more questions to ask. But right now I really have to get back to work.