Why Do People Hate Everything?

05/27/2015 01:16 pm ET | Updated May 26, 2016

If you Google why do, the first search entry that comes up, that finishes the question for you, is why do dogs eat poop. How does the human brain work? How does the theory of relativity work? Nah. That's not what people are interested in. Rather, we want to know why dogs eat poop. Remind me to sell my stock in the curiosity industry. (Oh, and when I Googled how does the human brain work, the first forty entries were porn sites.)

The third why do entry is why do dogs eat grass. Human beings are very interested in why dogs eat stuff, apparently. Of course, the answer to both questions is obvious- it tastes good.

Typing further, if one Googles why do people hate, the first entry that comes up is why do people hate Nickelback. The second most popular entry is why do people hate themselves. So people hate themselves, just not as much as they hate Nickelback. I suspect that one of the reasons people hate themselves so much is because they like Nickelback. Heck, I watched the Bachelorette last night and it filled me with ghastly self-loathing.

The third auto-completion after Googling why do people hate is why do people hate their voice. I don't hate my voice. Although I hate *The* Voice, especially that phony Adam Levine/Blake Shelton bromance. The fourth entry is why do people hate bugs. People hate Nickelback more than they hate bugs. One would rather get bitten by a tick than listen to How You Remind Me. I feel that way about Iggy Izalea. I mean, I'd rather get bitten by Iggy Izalea than listen to Nickelback's biggest hit.

Using the Google search engine as an indicator of what we hate, it's interesting to see what people hate by alphabetical letter. For example, if you Google why do people hate a, the first completed entry starting with an A is why do people hate America. I don't think people really hate America; they're just jealous of our freedom and our dating apps. Maybe they mean South America. Bolivia can get pretty touristy.

Googling why do people hate d gives you only one auto-completed entry- why do people hate Duke. Why do people hate h gives you why do people hate hipsters. People shouldn't hate hipsters. Without hipsters, there would be nobody to mock chain restaurants. The first entry for O is why do people hate Obamacare, followed by why do people hate Onision. Better questions would be why do people *need* Obamacare and who the f*ck is Onision.

I feel a bit grammatically perverse by not finishing these entries with question marks. These entries are questions, not statements. But I'm transcribing as they're listed. Don't blame the messenger.

Now, if you use the Yahoo? search engine, the first option for why do people hate a is why do people hate Anne Hathaway. Hence, unlike Google users, Yahoo! users hate Anne Hathaway more than America. This is kind of unfair to Anne Hathaway, who seems like a nice enough person. On the other hand, the United States didn't annoy moviegoers with a whiny and overrated performance in Les Miserables.

Staying with Yahoo!, why do people hate c gives you, as the first entry, why do people hate Catholics. Do people hate Catholics? I don't think people hate Catholics. Well, maybe Billy Joel, especially his later stuff. The first entry for J is why do people hate Jews. There's a lot of religious prejudice, unfortunately. But the good news is that if you type why do people hate bud, then why do people hate Budweiser comes before why do people hate Buddhism. (The answer, by the way, is because it has become so watered-down and unsatisfying. And that's why people dislike Budweiser, as well.)

Moving onto the Bing search engine, in order, the most hated C things are Christian Laettner, common core, change, Crossfit, Comcast, charter schools, children, and cockroaches. Do people really still hate Christian Laettner? He was an obnoxious Duke University basketball star from like twenty-five years ago. Let it go. The Internet really despises Duke. And some people must really hate children, which is why families are choosing to have fewer cockroaches nowadays.

I'm surprised that clowns aren't in C's top ten list, although they are in every search engine's why are people afraid of entry list. People distinguish their fear from their hate, I suppose. For example, we don't hate the Tea Party. We're just afraid of them.

Sticking with Bing, the top entry for, say, why do people hate q is why do people hate quiet people. Weird. The top entry for G is why do people hate Gwyneth Paltrow. The top entry for L is why do people hate Lena Dunham. I love Lena Dunham.

Do you notice a trend? Based on these popular entries, you'd think that we'd be more curious as to why people hate women so much. But if you type in why do people hate w, the first entry is why do people hate Windows 8. In fact, even if you start with WO, the first entry is why do people hate wolves.

Geez. I think it's pretty obvious why people hate Windows 8. It sucks. But not only does society lack curiosity as to why there is such a negativity towards women, we deny that it even exists.

Society loves dogs. On Yahoo!, the first entry for why do people love d is why do people love dogs. Society doesn't love women. If you type why do people love w, among the entries are WWE wrestling, weed, and Woody Allen. Women don't make the cut. People don't even like women. Type why do people like w and it'll give you Walking Dead, working for Google, and whiskey. But nothing about women. The CEO of Facebook is a woman, and if you Google why do people like working at Facebook, there are no entries.

One of the reasons that some people hate America is due to a lack of social and economic equality between men and women. I hope we elect a female President. It will be a nice step- at least symbolically- towards eradicating institutionalized sexism.

Googling why do people love Hillary Clinton yields over seventy-eight million entries. President Obama was re-elected in 2012 with less than seventy million votes. So the numbers give reason for optimism.

And if Hillary Clinton is smart, when it comes time to choose a running mate, she'll pick a dog. Perhaps Joe Biden?