The War on Saturnalia

There's a war being waged against our sacred winter holiday, people. Centuries ago, our forebearers at this time of year began exchanging gifts, decorating trees, and welcoming the winter solstice with the return of light and end of darkness. All in the name of our beloved God. Yes, you know who I mean. Even in these heathen times, I'm not ashamed to speak his name: Saturn. There, I said it. Let's stop denying who this holiday is really about.

What has become of our holy Saturnalia, fellow pagans? I go into my local Wal-Mart, greeted by all the familiar holly and ivy of yore, and am welcomed not with the rousing "Io, Saturnalia!" of simpler times, but with some made-up newfangled, supposedly "non-offensive" substitute: this "Christ-Mass" thing.

Now about these "Christians." (Is that okay? "People of Jesus"? What's the acceptable term now?) I know they have come a long way since we used to feed them to the lions in (let's face it) the good old days. And I've personally apologized and atoned for that. Many times.

And I don't begrudge them one bit their hard work, cleverness, and control of all media. Not to mention Congress, the Supreme Court and the White House.

But do we all have to bow down to their holidays now? I mean, it was bad enough when Yom Kippur and Rosh Hoshana got on my desk calendar somehow! And who is this "MLK" guy, anyway?

I'm sorry, but when your faithful still don't make up a majority of the world's population, and you've only been around less than 2,000 years, you gotta take a back seat to tradition. We don't want to offend you and, hey, you're welcome to come share in a finely roasted boar's head at our table and sing tuneful Saturn-carols any time. You see, you don't have to be pagan to enjoy Saturnalia! In fact, you're not, and yet you still use many of our rituals. Why don't you just call them by their right names?

And who knows when this guy, Jesus, was born anyway, right? I mean, isn't it just a little coincidental your story says he was born on "Christmas Day"? Duh!

I know I'm going to get emails now saying I'm "intolerant" and all, but you have to stand up for the values that have made Western Civilization great. (And what's more Western Civ than good ol' pagan Ancient Rome?) You can't just give into these arrivistes. Next thing you know, they'll be appropriating our regeneration-of-spring festivities for the "resurrection" of their "lord." How are they going to fit the fertility bunnies into that, huh?

So to my Jesus-loving friends, I say this in the yuletide (oy, another appropriation!) spirit of forgiveness and peace on earth. No one minds what you celebrate in private. Just remember: it's Saturn's world and you just live in it.

So to all and to one, Saturn bless us all. Everyone.

Comments

[larry278]

Dancing outside naked can be uncomfortable north of the Mason-Dixon line at this time of the year & is given as a reason to bring a fir tree inside & decorating it by many crypto-pagans who try to pass as Christians.

[Pile]

We have a podcast where we talk in more detail about the origins of Christmas traditions:
http://bsalert.com/news/2175/Christmas_radio_show.html

[derik]

The cool thing about christmas is watching the christians who "observe" it and run around stressed out while the rest (some) of us actually enjoy it (you know; a day off, eating, football, drinking and whatever). Who needs reality tv anymore. In fact, I wished we could have all the other religion days (yup, why not the Saturn one too). And if that happens life would be nice for us Secular Humanists who celebrate everyday (at least I do).

[thecognitivedissident]

This is a great post, and provides some much-needed humor for we secular folk who are surrounded by believers.

May you all have a delightful Dies Natalis Solis Invicti!

[Crowhaul]

This is a great posting. Although I've never referred to this holiday of ours as Saturnalia, I'm not opposed to that. I usually just refer to it as 'Yule', from the old german, which translates roughly into 'year' or 'circle', and is essentially a Weihnachtsfest or a Julfest.

I stand aghast at how many Americans use the traditions of one holiday but incorrectly believe they are celebrating another holiday. Can I make this any clearer: If you drag a pine tree into your house, you are celebrating the very ancient northern european holiday called Yule.

Happy Yuletide, all!!

[goldcoastsailor]

Oliver Cromwell had it outlawed and the American Puritans would have none of it. So let's take back our ancient celebration of the return of the sun. Io Saturn!

[ZackandSkysmom]

I think I love you...

[AngryAmish]

I don't have anything personal against Christians. I mean, the guy who cuts my hair is a Christian, and I don't recoil when he touches my head (though I sometimes have to suppress a gag reflex). My philosophy is "Hate the religion, love the religioner!"

The trouble I have with Christians is when they try to hijack our political and legal systems in order to force their chosen lifestyle down the throats of us normal folk. (I can use the word "normal," can't I? After all, that's what I am!) Just the other day my Christian hair stylist was moaning on and on about how he hopes and prays that we elect a President who will push for federal legislation legalizing heterosexual Christian marriage. Can you imagine? What's next? Tax exempt status for those hotbeds of Christian promiscuity known euphemistically as "churches"?

[jmpurser]

Thanks. Thought I was alone with this.

[Brecca]

Yay! Way to highlight the unacknowledged syncretisms of our spiritual ancestry! But i do wish you had been more explicit about our co-opting of the Norse, seeing as "Christmas" falls this year on Tyr's day, a character as far from Jesus as any.