THE BLOG
12/19/2007 01:32 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The War on Saturnalia

There's a war being waged against our sacred winter holiday, people. Centuries ago, our forebearers at this time of year began exchanging gifts, decorating trees, and welcoming the winter solstice with the return of light and end of darkness. All in the name of our beloved God. Yes, you know who I mean. Even in these heathen times, I'm not ashamed to speak his name: Saturn. There, I said it. Let's stop denying who this holiday is really about.

What has become of our holy Saturnalia, fellow pagans? I go into my local Wal-Mart, greeted by all the familiar holly and ivy of yore, and am welcomed not with the rousing "Io, Saturnalia!" of simpler times, but with some made-up newfangled, supposedly "non-offensive" substitute: this "Christ-Mass" thing.

Now about these "Christians." (Is that okay? "People of Jesus"? What's the acceptable term now?) I know they have come a long way since we used to feed them to the lions in (let's face it) the good old days. And I've personally apologized and atoned for that. Many times.

And I don't begrudge them one bit their hard work, cleverness, and control of all media. Not to mention Congress, the Supreme Court and the White House.

But do we all have to bow down to their holidays now? I mean, it was bad enough when Yom Kippur and Rosh Hoshana got on my desk calendar somehow! And who is this "MLK" guy, anyway?

I'm sorry, but when your faithful still don't make up a majority of the world's population, and you've only been around less than 2,000 years, you gotta take a back seat to tradition. We don't want to offend you and, hey, you're welcome to come share in a finely roasted boar's head at our table and sing tuneful Saturn-carols any time. You see, you don't have to be pagan to enjoy Saturnalia! In fact, you're not, and yet you still use many of our rituals. Why don't you just call them by their right names?

And who knows when this guy, Jesus, was born anyway, right? I mean, isn't it just a little coincidental your story says he was born on "Christmas Day"? Duh!

I know I'm going to get emails now saying I'm "intolerant" and all, but you have to stand up for the values that have made Western Civilization great. (And what's more Western Civ than good ol' pagan Ancient Rome?) You can't just give into these arrivistes. Next thing you know, they'll be appropriating our regeneration-of-spring festivities for the "resurrection" of their "lord." How are they going to fit the fertility bunnies into that, huh?

So to my Jesus-loving friends, I say this in the yuletide (oy, another appropriation!) spirit of forgiveness and peace on earth. No one minds what you celebrate in private. Just remember: it's Saturn's world and you just live in it.

So to all and to one, Saturn bless us all. Everyone.