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A Huge Brick-Wagging Contest: New York Says Suck It Chicago

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Anadolu Agency via Getty Images
Anadolu Agency via Getty Images

One World Trade Center in Lower Manhattan has officially been ruled to be taller than the Willis Tower, in Chicago. That judgment came from the primary arbiter of structural stature, the Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat.

Both buildings have long masts poking skyward from their roofs. But those on the 1,451-foot Willis Tower are considered antennas, which the council does not count in calculating the height of a building. ..

The New York contingent said the spire had always been part of the plan to achieve the symbolic height of 1,776 feet.

-- The New York Times

That's right, suck it Chicago. Put that in your windy pipe and smoke it. You can take your tiny antennae and shove it up your Second place hole. Because ours is officially bigger than yours.

How dare you try and act like you got any sort of length on NYC. We're the City that Never Sleeps Alone, you know we're packing some Big Apples. Check out the girth on that skyward-poking spire. Size does matter.

Sure, you've got a couple more floors. Big deal. Last time I checked all that mattered was distance from the base to the tip. And we've got you by a couple of King Kong handfuls. The Willis Tower ain't got nothing on us. What'chu talkin' 'bout?

Just accept it. The Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitats has spoken. And once the CTBUH has weighed in, it's final. You're going to try and do battle with the CTBUH? Good luck. You better bring a big stick, which can then be reused as a public sculpture in a newly planned park. Or they're not going to have any of it.

You're scraping the sky, we're stabbing the solar system. We're all the way up in there. Shifting atmospheric pressure. Sensing condensation. Seeing stars. We're not just poking through the clouds, were penetrating way past them. Into parts unknown. We're taking it to a whole other level. Literally.

Trying to get into a peaking contest with us? Yeah right. We're 1776 fully stacked baby, what you know about that? We're straight up revolutionary. You ain't seen nothing like us before. And built to last. Solid throughout. Thick. There's nothing about us that's average. Rock hard from the outside in. So let me know how the view is down there, shorty.

You don't fuck with the One World Trade. Unless you want to get devastated. Completely destroyed. Decimated. Lit up. You can consider it, but if you really try to take it on, you will be crushed. I suggest, for your own safety, you just admire from afar. Ogle it in the magazines. Maybe take some pictures if you ever get close. But don't actually try it on for size. It would be a massive mistake. And you'll be left in lots of pain.

Nice try, Chicago, but we're New York. We don't do Second Place. We don't do lovable losers. We don't do values and hospitality. We do winning. We do 'we're number one.' We do 'fuck you get outta my way.' We don't name our buildings for appliance stores, and if we did, we certainly wouldn't change it to a British insurance company. Empire State Building. Chrysler Building. One World Trade. Those are building names. Not Willy Tower. Or whatever it will be called in 15 years. Can't even commit to a title. It's pathetic.

Just like your tiny little structure is. Growing out of your tiny little town. Full of your giant fat people. New York's always been number one, and we always will be. And now we've got the magnificent erection to prove it.