I gotta be honest, I'm kind of over the Boston Bombers. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely totally obsessed with them last week, when they were all the rage, but now it turns out they're just kind of lame. They're just kind of shitty, boring bros. The kind that probably go sunglass-shopping together. They're really just a set of Euro-trash tools. And the more we learn about them the less interesting they become. All this debate over whether they're white, or whether they're Muslim, or whether those two categories are mutually exclusive, who cares? They're just a couple of douchebags. And every race is replete with those.
I mean look at the pictures of them. The older one is a douchebag and the younger one is a dumbass. That's pretty much the scoop. The older one looked like he'd wear a track suit to a family function, and the younger one looks like the type of drug dealer that would make you smoke a joint with him after because he wants someone to hang out with. Like you're going to have to build into your schedule that you have to get high with this weird Russian dude because you feel bad just leaving. I'm not saying investigators shouldn't try to learn all they can from them, I'm just saying they seem like fucking losers.
They've had their fifteen minutes of shame, let's not grant them any more. What's something interesting you've read about them this week? Exactly. Even the conspiracy theories are sort of cliché. Oh, the government did it? To derail marathons. I see. It all makes so much sense now. The whole thing started as a gripping tragedy, then turned into a thrilling action movie, then a nail-biting mystery, but now it's just a boring legal drama. It's time to return to our regularly scheduled programming. Sure, I'll still watch the interview with the kid, but I'm no longer DVRing.
Even the lessons we're trying to learn from these brothers are pretty tedious. Social media can both connect and alienate. Ok. If a guy on a list of shitty people goes to a shitty place like Chechnya, let's be sure to stay on top of that. Check. You never know what's in someone's heart. Got it. Sometimes a pair of socially awkward brothers can seek a way to make a mark in this world, go on the Internet, put a bunch of metal shit in a pressure cooker, and blow it up at the only big event they know is going to be in their area because they are total and utter pieces of garbage. Noted.
We all wish we could predict what every idiot is going to do, but if we're going to start profiling every douchebag in America, good luck. There'll be no problem filling your quota. That's the thing about these two jerkoffs, I can't help but think their Muslim-ness is less important than their mediocrity. That's why they weren't part of any terror cell and no group claimed their crime; no one wanted them there either. They were just two creepy deadbeats who pulled off an awful crime. That's where their story should end.
So I'm done with these crummy brothers. I'm done with treating them like masterminds when they were merely morons. I'm done trying to figure out what made them tick, when they were just dicks. I'm done with interviews with their aunts and uncles, parents and coaches, and any friends they can drag up when they clearly don't know crap. I'm all for trying to prevent future tragedies but it's become pretty and painfully obvious that these two were simply a pair of assholes. And I'm done trying to sniff around to learn any more.
Because those brothers are not the names I'd prefer to remember anyway. I'd rather be able to recall Krystle Campbell, Martin Richard, and Lu Lingzi when we think about the Boston tragedy. I'd rather read about the amazing stories of recovery going on in rehabilitation hospitals throughout the city. About the dancers who will dance again, and the runners who will run. I hope that's now what we can all begin to focus on and pay attention to. I can't wait to watch all of those injured and affected by this attack cross the finish line next year. I hope these become the lasting memories of the Boston marathon bombing. Because by that time next year the douchebag bombers will be long forgotten.
Follow Gavin Shulman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GavinShulman