THE BLOG
05/15/2013 01:59 pm ET Updated Jul 15, 2013

Impeach the President!... But Make It Quick

AP

Alright, let's just get this over with and impeach the president already. I'm not sure which of these "scandals" will stick, but no one wants to wait all summer to find out. We've all seen this movie before. Read this same story. Been up this same shitty creek in the same Carnival boat. No one wants to go all summer in the sticky, sweltering heat holding out for what we already know is going to happen. So for once in your term life Congress, get your act together, and get something done. In an extremely partisan matter, please impeach this president promptly. We the people implore you.

Just figure out which one you think you've got your best chance at and go for it. We'll totally support you as long as we can get it signed and sealed before Memorial Day. We've all got things to do this summer. We can't waste our time watching CSPAN when we oughta be laying out getting a tan. We can't be reading our favorite political blogs when Dan Brown has a new book out in paperback that is perfect for the beach. We can't be following the news closely when our friends rented a shore house and it doesn't even have air conditioning. Let's finish this sucker out before Summer Fridays kick in.

I'm not worried about the future of Democracy, I'm just worried about crushing it this summer. Corona in one hand, pina colada in the other. Babes in bikinis and bros in board shorts. Bonfires and foam parties. If the song of the summer features Eric Holder singing, no one's going to be getting down. Come on Congress. This was supposed to be my summer. I was gonna straight own it. Don't ruin it by dragging out this whole impeachment thing. What a downer. I didn't do extra reps at the gym so ya'll reps could ruin a good time.

What kind of pushback do you really think you're going to face? From liberals? Yeah right. Liberals fold faster than an origami chair you keep in the basement for when company comes over. Just look around. They're already running scared. They're so resigned to the fact that he'll have to resign that they're already resigning their bumpers with Cuomo 2016 stickers. And we don't even think the president specifically did anything wrong. We're just not really in the mood for a fight. Especially when it's so nice out. We won't get in your way as long as you make some hay. The kids are off to summer camp and we got paddle-board lessons starting in two weeks.

Benghazi, IRS, AP, take your pick. Just make it quick. Let's see, Benghazi was really the blockbuster. Best title. Most ominous. Violence sells. But it's sort of faded to the back. Not sure if it's still got legs. May have made a mistake releasing that during the winter when no one was really paying attention. IRS is gold. Can play the victim. Feed the paranoia. Rally the base. But probably the least connected directly to Obama. AP. Defending the main stream of media. Interesting. Definitely shady stuff though. Should be able to get Holder's scalp. Oh hell, no one actually cares, just pick one and be done with it.

The point isn't to have one, it's to make it quickly and efficiently and then pin it on the president. To exploit a scandal for scandal's sake. Because scandals are the only way to shrink our deficit, improve our financial outlook, and allow the Dow to set all sorts of records like what's currently happening. These scandals are obviously why our economy is doing surprisingly well right now. And if they can also help us figure out a way to impeach this president, well the sky's the limit.

It's time for some summer lovin', which is why we gotta make this happen so fast. Do you really want a summer full of hearings, and testimony, and special investigators, and reports, or do you want to kick it at your country club which just put in a new pool? See what I'm saying. This is not something you want to stretch out, like your legs, on a nice chez, with you shades on, and the cute little server bringing you drinks and snacks over in her white skirt. Let's select a scandal and then let's go for it. Let's focus on impeaching this president rather than everything else that needs to get done. Because, before you know it, Labor Day's gonna roll around and we're all going to have to get back to do doing real work. Congress included.

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