THE BLOG
11/30/2012 05:44 pm ET Updated Jan 30, 2013

It Is Bye, Grover!

Not to be all elementary, or more accurately pre-schooly, but are we really going to let our tax policy be determined by a guy named Grover? You've got to be kidding me. I know Big Bird helped President Obama get re-elected, but it's not like were listening to his opinion on the fiscal cliff. I love Snuffleupagus a snuffalot but I don't trust his judgment on entitlement reform. I'm not sure I even believe Cookie Monster's policies on nutrition. Yet for some reason we have to hear about Grover's view on marginal tax rates and deductions day after day? That's just absurd.

Because, first of all, if I was going to listen to any muppet talk about how to fix our debt problems it'd be Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs. Cause he's so cute. With his bald little head. And big happy mouth. And grubby over-sized hands. And his hilarious catchphrase about how we need to reduce the deficit that he helped create by cutting Social Security and other entitlements that middle class Americans rely on while he stands to personally earn around 20 million dollars this year alone. He's so funny. I wish he had a tickleable doll. Or one with a wind-up string. So I could just pull it and hear him speak about the 10 billion dollar bailout his company received in 2008 whenever I want. What an adorable little guy.

But Grover? He's not even an A-list muppet anymore. He's just a second-rate monster whose claim to fame is working a bunch of customer service jobs waiting on Mr. Johnson. Or Mr. Rove. Or whatever billionaire needs to learn his ABC's. Sure, he had some clout in the past, but then they brought in Elmo who's pretty much just a younger, cuter model. (Something Elmo himself knows all about) And now Grover's completely obsolete. It's time to hang up the puppet Grover. You no longer pull the strings.

Pledging allegiance to a furry. You Republicans should be ashamed of yourselves. Sure, liberals support Bert and Ernie's right to cohabitate, but they haven't signed a non-binding agreement to guarantee their lease. Democrats are all for giving Oscar a hand in helping him get out of his trash can, but if he wants to be a grouch about it and stay he's free to make his own decision. And those in Congress are as well. They are under the paw of no muppet. They owe fealty to no felt creature. No one has their hand up their rear end. Except maybe for a union puppeteer.

Grover, you had a good run. But even SuperGrover had to fall from the sky at some point. Like any hero, there comes a time when you have to be torn down. And your time has come. Don't disgrace yourself with talk of "poopy heads" and "impure thoughts". Just because your constituency act likes children, doesn't mean you have to be childish. Be the bigger monster Grover. Go away and lick your fur. Count your money. You can even take the Count. He's past his prime as well. Just give it up Grover. It's Abby Cadabby's turn in the spotlight. And compromise is going to take some magic.

Grover, I think rather then appear on every other television and radio show you can these days, you oughtta go back and watch the series that first made you famous. So you can learn how to share. Or do simple math. Or the importance of fairness in a community. Have you forgotten all the lessons you purported to teach all these years? It's upsetting Grover to watch you squirm and struggle like this. To watch everyone abandon you so quickly. To watch you disappear before our very eyes. It's just sad, Grover to watch you go bye-bye. You may have been a monster, but at least with your fuzzy-face you were always kind of cute. Now it's just getting ugly.

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