Four years ago, I met a man named Sam. He was incredibly handsome, intelligent and a real pain in the ass. We never seemed to agree on anything, except what we both liked in bed. However, any flaw that I would find with him would be immediately overshadowed by his charm. Think of the most charismatic person that you know...now multiply that by 1,000 and you have Sam. He is capable of charming the pants off of even the toughest critic. Literally.
From the moment I met Sam, I knew that I loved him. He sat down at the table for lunch, shook my hand and flashed this devilish crooked grin while he introduced himself. If I recall correctly, the only word I was able to get out of my mouth was, "Hi!" In that moment, I legitimately had forgotten my name. I knew this was the beginning of the end for me.
Lunch progressed as usual and I was trying my hardest to stay professional, yet send out a slightly flirtatious vibe. Honestly, if I were a betting woman, I would have bet my coveted Louboutins that he was returning my sentiments, so I moved forward full speed ahead. After lunch there were a few professionally flirtatious emails exchanged (yes, there is a such thing), and I told him that if he needed to get in touch with me, he could call my cell phone. Smooth, right? I know. It's what I do.
An entire year goes by where we chatted on and off, planned to meet up and then plans would fall through because something would always come up last minute for him. It wasn't until he left the industry to work elsewhere that things really picked up between us. We began hanging out pretty regularly. It all started harmlessly enough--a dinner here, a lunch there or an occasional cocktail throughout the week. He would say things to me that made me feel so special, like I was the only one he felt that way about. He would say it with such conviction and warmth, and he would look me straight in the eyes and I would feel like he was looking straight into my soul. Eventually we took things to the next level (Yes, that's right. This entire time, there wasn't even a kiss), and after 2 years of build up, I finally found myself in bed with him. To say that the experience was nothing short of Heavenly is an understatement. The man has all of the right equipment and certainly knows how to use it. If there was any doubt in my mind of how I felt about him, it was erased the minute his lips touched mine.
This pattern of casual sex, mixed with soul searching and gut wrenching conversations about life and who we were as people, continued for almost 2 years. And I happily let it. I would casually bring up taking things to the next level, and he would deflect the conversations like the pro that he was. He was happy just being intimate on a physical level and staying at arms length emotionally, while I was falling hook, line and sinker into his abyss.
Looking back on things, I should have seen the signs. We never went on an actual date, he never met my any of my friends, and I'm pretty sure that all of my guy friends said that there had to be another woman (or even women--plural) in his life. If I had stepped out of my body for a second and looked at his actions, instead of the words he was telling me, I would have realized this on my own, but it was far easier for me to rationalize that he was just "damaged" or needed to learn how to open up to people and the possibility of falling in love.
Last week over drinks, he told me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. It was as if a light bulb finally went off in my head and I realized that maybe, just maybe, he's not in love with me like I am with him. Humph. It's as simple as that. I'm also clearly a very slow learner. I once asked my mother how many times I had to touch the stove before realizing that it would burn me. Her answer? Too many times to count. The same apparently holds true in my dating life.
If you believe that certain people are put into your life for a reason like I do, then what was the reason for Sam being in mine? Was it a karmic lesson that I had to learn? Was it to make me bitter at the ripe age of 28? Of course not (although, it certainly didn't help with the bitter part). Once the initial sting of rejection wore off, I realized that what my time with Sam had taught me was that no matter how much you love someone, you can't ever make them love you back, and that sometimes, even though accepting the truth in a situation like this is heartbreaking, it's important to realize what you have gained from it. He came into my life shortly after I moved to Chicago, didn't know anyone, and had just gone through a miserable breakup with a man who was cold, emotionally devoid of any feeling and never made me feel smart, sexy or funny. I can say, without a doubt, that there was never a moment spent with Sam that I didn't feel like the best version of myself. As women (or humans), we have a tendency to become comfortable in relationships and lose the person we once were before settling into monogamy, and it's always nice to meet someone along the way, who reminds you of that person you used to be. I also realized that settling for a friendship with Sam wasn't necessarily settling. He has brought so much into my life over these past 4 years--good and bad--and has grown into an amazing friend/confidant of mine. I would be lost in this world without him, and I would like to think that he feels the same way about me.
Follow Gena Grish on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ggrish
However, I posit two corollaries: one, women never learn; that is they tend more to repeat patterns that are familiar/comfortable; and two, men learn five minutes too late, then forget everything they learned the next time around.
Keeping these in the back of my mind over the years has proven very valuable in the initial evaluation of the viability of a relationship, and kept me mindful of the lessons I should retain and take to heart. I can't help but believe that they have saved me a big bag full of trouble and provided a valuable filter when meeting new prospects.
Miles "Done Kissing Frogs Looking For My Princess" Long
By the way- I would have absolutely picked up your book. You should look into picking that back up again... :-)
My question to you and the how you answer (or more appropriately act) will determine whether or not your "time with Sam" has really taught you anything. The question: What happens when he reaches out after the eventual and next version of the break-up with his ex / new again girlfriend?
It will happen, you'll get the chance to prove you've matured, grown up, and are ready for a stable and fulfilling relationship that doesn't include Sam, and that poor Sam still has some growing up to do of his own.
Let me try to explain my latest dating lesson...
When I was a little kid and boys would bully me, my mother (like many mothers) said it was because they liked me.
When my ex alternated constantly between being loving and enraged at me, my mother said that, it was just that he was afraid of how strong his feelings were for me.
Truth is, I don't care about the WHY anymore. I am way better off without these people in my life. If the behavior is bad, I'm leaving the boy. Anyway, it doesn't exactly apply to your story, since Sam turned out to be a good friend, but that line reminded me of that recent revelation of mine.
It's interesting how we rationalize to ourselves when things aren't going our way, isn't it? As I was writing this article, I thought to myself, holy crap Gena, what is wrong with you? It's so incredibly obvious to me now! I think seeing the details in black and white were what made it really hit home. I know that if a friend of mine were in the same situation, I would be screaming at them in my loudest motherly voice to just be friends with this guy (after the first year of back and forth), but it's always a harder pill to swallow when you're the one in the situation instead of the one giving the advice.
But you do have a great point. I shouldn't care about the WHY anymore. It's healthier that way. Otherwise I just make myself crazy trying to figure it out (clearly). Ha!
We all have to be aware of balance in our life. Face the fact there are alot of people who are very skilled in controlling other people. We must listen to our intuition, and look at the actions of the other party and listen to those with our best interests at heart. If you have a sinking feeling as soon as someone puts on their pants, you could be experiencing "arm's length" intimacy. Reassess the way you are feeling-unhappiness is not normal and settling for less than a good relationship is definitely more damaging than waiting for the right one.
Rationalizing is interesting. Who wants to let pesky, little things like facts get in the way of what we want? haha and of course it is obvious looking back. It's always obvious looking back. In the moment is a whole different thing.
It’s easy to get buried in the past.
I often find myself mildly amused by the anxiety being voiced by females who seem compelled to make recurrent mistakes in order to feel good. Good ones who have lost more than won in the past have no such desire. We are often cast aside for the pleasures of danger, adventure and chaos. The nice thing is that after you have been overlooked enough times you value the person more when the time comes and searching is over. That is the key, the connection, and an intangible spark of recognition that the person sitting across the table has clarity of mind and purpose. There is no greater pleasure than that experience.
no big deal, its a short hustle. babies are mostly cute and old people are mostly, well, old. in a room full of neanderthals we'd all be gorgeous and get free drinks. we are bred to be devastatingly desirable but unfortunately devastatingly discriminating.
heigh-ho!
d