This past week drugstore chain CVS announced that it will no longer sell tobacco products at its stores. The move will cost them upwards of $2 billion in revenue and is part of their effort to be more of a healthcare company. Many are applauding the move. I agree. But why stop there? Ever been to a CVS? There are plenty of other products that they sell that should also be taken off the shelves. I can think of 16 right of the top of my head. Examples?
Shampoo. Nope, haven't used the stuff in years. And you wouldn't believe what I save on barber visits. Someday I'll sit you down and explain to you some of the benefits of being bald. I see a lot of bald guys around like me. Not sure what all that shampoo fuss is about.
Weight loss supplements. My thinking: For most people eating less and exercising a little will result in losing weight. CVS might want to coach its customers on this healthy approach rather than selling them amphetamines in a can. Might as well be selling chocolate, cakes and chips in the next aisle over. Oh... you do?
Extra large condoms. I want to know who's really buying these. Is this some kind of a cruel joke? Are the executives at CVS poking fun at guys like me and offering some kind of subliminal message to their women customers, like "You know, you could be doing better. Just hang around this aisle for a while." Shouldn't these things be sold in some kind of specialty store, like a magic shop or a place where NBA players frequent?
Vitamins. Unless you haven't seen the sun in a few months or live on a diet of fast food you're likely not going to need vitamins. And yet there are aisles filled with them. Study after study show that most vitamins are essentially worthless. CVS should stop selling these. Except for the Flintstones Chewables because they're delicious.
Snoring suppressants. So let me get this straight: You put a strip of tape that looks suspiciously like a simple band-aid on the bridge of your nose and that's supposed to stop you from snoring? And they're only... how much? You can ask my wife -- these don't work. Smacking your bedmate in the head is much more effective. Cutting it down to 32 beers a night before you go to bed may also help.
Blank DVDs (and yes) Digital Cassettes. I'm assuming CVS is targeting AOL internet subscribers to move these items. Or the people who are driving around in circles and wondering where that dang Blockbuster store went to. I guess there are those that have never heard of Spotify, Netflix, Dropbox or Google Drive and haven't given themselves up to the hell of recurring monthly fees. Hmmm... smart people, actually.
A1 Steak Sauce. CVS actually sells A1 Steak Sauce. Who is buying this? Are you running into the 24 hour CVS down the street to pick up some soap, toothpaste and a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce?
Body wash. Hello to the biggest scam of the 21st century. My kids go through a bottle a week. This is madness. "Body Wash" is just another term for "super-expensive soap." Get a bar of Irish Spring for $.39 and it'll last for a month. Just pluck off the hairs each time and you're good to go. Simple.
Disposable cameras (and film too). Other than fashion week are people still using actual cameras? I've got ten photos of my family (and a thousand photos of my dog) on my iPhone. Who's still buying cameras?
Axe Deodorant. My sons seriously think that if they use Axe deodorant they will have success with the ladies. Ah, the power of advertising. The reality is that they carry my genes. A case of Axe isn't going to change that predicament anytime soon. CVS is only contributing to this heinous deceit.
Faihaven Health Countboost for Men. These are dietary supplements that are supposed to increase the sperm count in men. My suggestion is to take a flight to Orlando on the first day of school vacation. By the time you arrive you'll be tossing the Countboost for Men out the window and looking up vasectomy specialists in the area. CVS, let's just save these guys the trouble, shall we?
Kiss Nail Artist Airbrush Style Nail Stickers. Let's see... $.02 to make. $2.99 to sell. Nice! As a father of a teenage daughter I am pleading with CVS to stop selling these. I pay more for stickers than I did to wallpaper our guest bathroom.
Fluttery Butterfly Pillow Pets. Really? This is what society has come to? We can't just have regular pillows anymore? They have to be in the shape of butterflies and other pets? CVS, is this really something you should be encouraging? Must we give Vladimir Putin any more reasons to make fun of us?
Canon Ink Cartridges. These things are worse than cigarettes. You pay $99 for a printer and every two weeks you're buying a $30 cartridge to feed its insatiable appetite for ink. This is like heroin and I demand that CVS put a stop to this now.
Jujubees Candy. Anti-semitic. Yeah, that's right. Any way you say it. And the reference to "bees" like there's some kind of honey -- Rosh Hashana connection? Oh we know you're game, CVS. As a member of the Hebrew persuasion I'm shocked that these are being sold and I know I've got my dentist's backing on this. His name is Abramowitz, by the way.
Cascade Dishwasher Detergent. Silly people! Don't you know that Cascade Complete is way, way better than the regular Cascade. I mean, what a difference! Wow. What a shine. Actually... I'm being total serious here. You won't believe it.
A version of this blog previously appeared on Phillymag.com.
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