Beginning the Inning

Not long ago some historians decided that Adolph Hitler was gay. The world nodded wisely. Why not? Hitler was arguably the most villainous man of the century. No problem if someone wants to suggest that he was gay, too.

But when historians suggested that Abraham Lincoln was gay--based on far more evidence--there was an uproar. Lincoln? Possibly the greatest American president? No way, Jose.

There’s always been a very strong sense of resistance when famous people of the past and present have been outed--if, and only if, these people were well-liked. Franz Schubert was most certainly gay, but the straight world won’t accept it. Both of John Lennon’s biographers said Lennon was at least bisexual, but the straights won’t have it.

On the other hand, the moment there’s any proof that Jack the Ripper was gay, you can be sure it will be headlines in the New York Post the next morning: Jack: ’s Out of the Closet!

Sure, the gays can have Hitler, and Roy Cohn, and Jeff Gannon. But not Alexander the Great, nor Willa Cather, nor Tom Cruise.

Wait a minute.

Tom Cruise?

Who actually wants Tom Cruise?

Poor Tom. For years rumors have swirled around the sizzling star of screen and scientology. And for years, no matter what gays said, straights refused to listen. How could Tom Cruise be gay? He’s so, you know, not gay, went the logical, well-reasoned arguments.
But now Tom is in a little trouble. Having fired his publicist, the powerful Pat Kingsley, his public image has deteriorated to the point where he’s now the punchline of late night hosts and bloggers.

After all, here’s a man who theoretically could have as his girlfriend any woman on earth. Who does he pick? A very sweet young star who is a virgin, and promises to stay a virgin until marriage.

Call us cynical, but how many straight guys in their mid-forties want to date a woman who won’t have sex with him?

Well, how about, um, none?

Given the sitaution’s inherent peculiarity, and the fact that Tom’s star has waned considerably since he got up on Oprah’s couch and jumped up and down like a 12 year old about how much he loved Katie, yes, it now seems more and more likely that his straight façade may be crumbling.

But I say, damn. I don’t want to out Tom.

I want to in him.

In fact, I’d like to in a lot of these recently outed people. Jeff Gannon, back in the closet. Jim West, Mayor of Spokane, back in the closet. Dead G-man J. Edgar Hoover, former-Liza husband David Gest, right wing congressman David Dreier... It’s time to start inning as many of these people as possible, to get them off the damn lists of gays.

Inning would certainly be easier than outing--people aren't going to complain if they’re thrown back into the closet? That’s where most of them wanted to be anyway.

So put them go back in. Make a list of the most unpleasant gay men and women in history, and start spreading rumors that they’re straight.

Begin to in.