A month ago Random House called to ask if I could write an instant book on Dick Cheney, to follow up a book I wrote after the 2004 election called The Bush Survival Bible. Although "funny" isn't the first word you think of when you think of Dick Cheney, we soon discovered plenty of ways to mock the man, such as 6 Rules That Will Keep You from Getting Shot While Hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney, 4 Steps to Take if You're Shot in the Face, the 5 Strangest Lies Dick Cheney Has Told, 5 Bad Dogs Who Hate Dick Cheney, or 7 Haikus As Written by Dick Cheney.
And so we now have Duck! The Dick Cheney Survival Bible: 250 Ways to Find Cover From the Man Who Calls the Shots, Pulls the Strings, and Shoots the Lawyers.
Over the next few days I'll be posting selections from the book for Huffington Post readers. Here's the introduction:
Why, you may wonder, a book on surviving Dick Cheney? He's not going to shoot you. Or at least, the odds aren't that high. You're probably not rich or powerful enough to be invited on one of his hunting trips. And besides, he's a bad shot.
Well, once you think about it, there actually are plenty of bad things Dick Cheney could do to you. He could start a war on a false pretext, and send your friends and children off to fight in it. He could drive oil prices up so high that you will no longer be able to commute. He could raise your debt to a preposterously high level (while telling you that "deficits don't matter"). He could tap your phone without your knowledge, and post your conversations on a local bulletin board. He could hire thugs to torture your family--no explanation required.
When people truly grasp the concept of Dick Cheney, they become scared. Really scared. "I had a nightmare the other night," they remember, "and it was about the vice president!" Or they realize, "When my toddler saw him on tv, she burst into tears and ran from the room!" Or, they recall, "That's the man whose face broke my mirrors and whose voice made the dog howl."
Dick Cheney isn't just the vice president of the United States anymore. He is something much larger and more intimidating. Dick Cheney is the scariest man in America.
You can see and hear the signs all across the country. Parents warn their children that if they don't eat their broccoli, Dick Cheney will get them. Teachers tell students that if they skip classes, the principal will sic Dick Cheney on them. Girl scouts sit around campfires, shocking each other with hideous yarns about Dick Cheney.
As the months pass, the Dick Cheney legend only grows. Hollywood has been flooded with high-concept Dick Cheney scripts: Innocent people turning into him when bitten by young Republicans. Dick takes on Damien, spawn of the Antichrist. Jason vs. Freddy vs. Dick. Alien vs. Predator vs. the Vice President. Bride of Cheney. Son of Cheney. Darth Cheney. Dick Cheney Takes Over the Whole Goddamn World, Enslaves the Human Race, and Marries Satan.
Meanwhile, historians have uncovered pictures of Dick Cheney on the Titanic. His photo was found in Lizzie Borden's purse and in Jack the Ripper's backpack. Anthropologists have discovered his likeness on totem polls, and archeologists have unearthed his image in ancient ruins.
The bottom line in America today: You don't have to be a Democrat to fear Dick Cheney. Polls show his approval rating hovers below Michael Jackson's numbers during his trial for alleged child molestation, or O.J. Simpson's while on trial for killing his wife. People are afraid. Very afraid.
So the next time the full moon rises and vampire bats fly shrieking from their caves, don't take to the hills. Take out a copy of Duck for cover. Besides giving you advice, consolation, and companionship, it's less smelly than garlic, cheaper than a silver bullet, and doesn't need to be blessed by a priest.
Our website: DuckCheney.com
Buy the book at Amazon.