Picking Palin: An Imagined Conversation

09/30/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Geoffrey R. Stone Edward H. Levi Distinguished Service Professor of Law, University of Chicago

Karl Rove: We need a babe.
John McCain: A what?
KR: A babe. You know, a broad.
George Bush: I been abroad.
KR: Not that kind of "a broad," George.
GB: Oh.
JM: What kind, then? You mean a woman?
KR: Yes, old man. A hottie.
JM: Cindy won't like that. I got in trouble once, you know.
KR: We need a woman.
JM: What for? I forget? There was once a woman in the Hanoi Hilton with the. . . .
KR: No, no, no. You're on the wrong track.
GB: I'm confused.
KR: O.K. Let me spell it out for you. John, you need a woman Veep.
JM: Oh! Why?
KR: To satisfy the Hillaryettes.
GB: Doesn't Bill do that?
KR: Oh, Jesus, George get your head straight.
JM: So, what do you mean, then?
KR: You need a pretty little lady to walk you down the aisle of the electoral college.
JM: Who?
KR: I know the perfect lady. She's in Alaska.
GB: Isn't that part of Russia?
JM: No, George, it's part of the U.S. It's near Quebec, I think.
KR: Listen, up, guys. The governor of Alaska is a babe. Her name's Sally Paladin, or something like that.
JM: Can I meet her?
KR: Sure. I've got her on the phone. Sally? Can you join us?
Sarah Palin: Here I am boys. But my name's Sarah.
JM: So Sally, my friend, I understand you want to be my Veep.
SP: I do. But the name's Sarah.
JM: Well, Sammy, that's a funny name for a gal, Sammy. But never mind that. Let's see what you'd bring to the ticket. What do you think of the situation in Georgia?
SP: That Jimmy Carter guy was one born-again pinko.
KR: Not that Georgia, Sally, the other one.
SP: Uh, what other one?
GB: Yeah, Karl, what other one?
JM: Forget about Georgia, Susie. Let's get down to brass tacks. You were once a beauty queen, right?
SP: Yes, John, I was.
JM: And you were a mayor, right?
SP: Yes, John, I was a mayor for four years of Moosepuck, Alaska.
JM: And now you're the governor right?
SP: Right, John. I've been governor for 18 months!
GB: Where's Alaska, again?
KR: John, she's perfect. She's beautiful and she's a woman.
JM: But Karl, she doesn't know squat!
GB: I didn't know squat, and I worked out just fine!
JM: Well, let's just ignore that, my friend. Karl, can she really pull this off?
KR: Trust me on this John, all she needs is a pantsuit and the Hillary nuts will come runnin'.
JM: O.K., Sandy, you're in. You, my friend, are my Veep.
SP: Thanks, Sir. I accept. But it's Sarah.
GB, JM & KR: Whatever.

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