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Ambassador Wintour's Back-Chanel Diplomacy

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ANNA WINTOUR
Michael Loccisano via Getty Images

In hindsight, we can see the roots of 2015's major diplomatic crisis -- thanks to a chain of emails sent by editor-turned-ambassador Anna Wintour, exclusively imagined by this reporter.

June 17, 2014: The $32,400-a-plate dinner for the Democratic National Committee at my townhouse went awfully, terribly, frightfully well! I dare say smashingly -- especially after I glowered at one idiot waiter who then dropped five plates of lobster thermidor. Everyone who was anybody -- and nobody who was no one -- was there. President Obama hugged me. I'm sure a major appointment is on the way. After all, who is more Democratic than moi?

Oct. 20, 2014: The White House called to set up a phone call with the President. I know my ambassadorship is back on track! Yes, I had my heart set on England. But I see now that Barack wants me in France. I have the portfolio. After all, I negotiated a ceasefire between Armani and Dolce & Gabbana. Oh, the lunches I'll host at the embassy -- which obviously will need some redecorating.

Oct. 30, 2014: The President finally called. Blast it -- I didn't get France! He wants me to serve in some bloody new nation -- the People's Republic of Falafelstan. He said, "You'd be perfect there, Anna. The country is very au courant." What a load of rubbish! Why does Caroline Kennedy get Japan and I get Falafelstan? I'm not going to some puny place I can't even find on the map. Keith McNally doesn't even have a restaurant there!

Nov. 12, 2014: My world is collapsing! Vogue and all the Conde Nast magazines have been bought by Gregor Nitchkomf, that dreadful little billionaire. I know my days here are numbered -- just because I wouldn't invite his chubby wife to my Costume Institute ball. Now she wants her pound of flesh. As if that blond tub needs another pound. I must check to see if that ambassador spot is still open.

Jan. 2, 2015: I'm off to Falafelstan! Shelby [Bryan, Wintour's boyfriend] said he'll join me as soon as he can. In the meantime, [fashion editor] Andre [Leon Talley] has agreed to be my attaché. He said he wanted "diversity" at Vogue. He'll get diversity in Falafelstan. And those darlings at the Defense Department have loaned us a cargo plane for Andre's ton of Louis Vuitton.

Jan. 3, 2015: My God -- this place is even more wretched than I expected. Driving in from the airport, it was desert and more desert. We were passing some crumbling mud dwellings and I asked the driver, "When do we reach the capital?" He said, "You're in it."

Jan. 15, 2105: A new ambassador must present her credentials to the head of state. So I brought the president my 916-page September issue. I thought he'd like our Gisele Bundchen spread. But the leader of his Revolutionary Council started shouting, "Why have you given the president pornography!?!?" Later, at the state dinner, they served me something that looked like it'd been sliced off Lady Gaga's meat dress. The Falafelstanis acted like I was crazy when I asked for a frisee salad Lyonnaise.

March 28, 2015: Attended my first summit! My staff said there'd be foreign ministers from a "hot" region. I assumed that meant the next St. Barth. Well, I'll tell you, this was not a group you'd have up to your villa. They were all very grumpy. Some of them wouldn't even speak to each other. I reckoned it was up to America to mediate. So I broke the ice. I asked, "Don't you love Lagerfeld's new collection?" The minister from Schwarmastan said, "Why are you wearing sunglasses in doors? There is no sun in here!" I said, "I can take them off now. Clearly, I'm looking at someone who's not too bright." The minister from Tabouli laughed, but other ministers started throwing shoes at me. Hideous brown shoes I wouldn't give to homeless man!

March 29, 2015: Urgent communiqué from the State Department. They say the region is about to explode because of something I said. I don't know why everybody is so upset. Yes, I suggested some ministers lose some weight -- but I tell Andre that all the time. Okay, maybe I mixed up the ethnic groups. Who can tell a Hani from a Huni? Now people say I've created a hot bed for Al Qaeda -- that the terrorists may have weapons-grade plutonium. God, I hope the media doesn't call me "Nuclear Wintour" again.

April 5, 2015: Secretary Kerry has re-called me to Washington. But I'm staying here! I've gotten to like Falafelstan. Who am I to lecture them about human rights abuses? I had an internship program. What's more, the Revolutionary Council has asked for my help. There are some dangerous Western elements infiltrating this great nation -- fringed Uggs, velour tracksuits, denim gowns. Some of the ladies here should be arrested. I'm re-thinking the chador -- perhaps in fur. Great fashion should make you sweat!