THE BLOG
04/03/2008 02:31 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

What We Are Doing Isn't Working

We now know the militant Muslims are not afraid of us. They are not afraid of our weapons, our prisons or our questioning techniques. They actually feel that if they complete a suicide mission or if they are shot and killed in battle, that is an honorable way to end their life and they will go to paradise where they will meet 80 virgins.

Apparently the only thing that terrifies these people of this faith is coming in contact with anything to do with pork. My solution is to stop shooting rockets and bullets and bombs. We fire bacon and pork chops at the militant Muslims. We develop a rocket and giant squirt guns that will not hurt anybody, but it only spreads the area and the target and the terrorists with bacon fat

Now, this sounds like a joke, but I believe that a Muslim will run away from bacon fat and a pork chop faster than they will from a grenade or a bullet. Why don't we try it? Why don't we notify an Al Qaeda training camp that on Monday morning the entire area will be carpet bombed with bacon? It is cheap. It is a renewable substance and I believe that their faith is so strong that they will surrender to any enemy rather than be doused in pork by products.

What we are doing is evidently not frightening them or deterring their intentions to destroy the infidels.

I feel we could do more to win this war by soliciting the help of Piggly Wiggly than a weapons manufacturer.

While this sounds facetious, it has a better chance of winning than what we are doing. The enemy will surrender if they think that they will spend the next hundred years wading through bacon grease, pork rinds, shredded pork and barbecued spareribs. This is cheaper than bullets or bombs and I believe it will be much more effective.

If we responded to every suicide bomber or sniper with a hundred pounds of bacon grease the terrorists would think twice. Unfortunately some innocent Muslim people would be harmed. But bacon grease washes off. Bombs don't

What we are doing isn't working. Let's try this.