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Gerry Hadden

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The Ache Of Book Abandonment

Posted: 09/07/11 08:44 PM ET

When I was just out of college, I worked for three years in book publishing, in New York City. Because the starting wage was usually enough to cover your rent and groceries, but never enough, for happy-hour beers, many of us assistants ran a supplemental racket for extra dough.

We would secretly hoard copies of the new books that were constantly arriving at the office. These were books that were not yet in stores. I kept my stash hidden in an old black duffle bag under my desk. When we had a decent enough pile amassed, we'd pick an evening and lug our loot down to the Strand, that iconic secondhand book bazaar in The Village. 
 
We'd empty our sacks on to the buy-back counter and watch expectantly as some bookish, harried employee would rifle through the pages with disdain and lowball us on most everything we presented. Every once in a while you'd get a nice surprise -- ten bucks for a first edition by this writer or that, 15 for the four-color coffee table book...

But, like the Indian divers in Steinbeck's The Pearl, we were utterly powerless to negotiate with those brokers of the written word. Who knew how they decided on a book's value? Who knew how to contest them? We'd accept whatever crumpled bills they'd push at us, afraid that at any moment they might point and scream thief. Then we'd slink off to some inexpensive bar to get drunk and talk about what we were going to do when we won the lottery.
 
One of the reasons I never made too much money at this racket was that I couldn't part with the really good books: My first editions of All the Pretty Horses, Written on the Body, The Secret History, The Sports Writer, This Boy's Life... Because these books touched me I spared them the selling block. They'd end up on the ever-expanding shelves in my apartment. The best of the best. Each one read, each loved, each on display.
 
When I bailed on New York and moved to Seattle at age 26, the books of course came with me. But then I picked up a new book that spelled the end for the rest: The Gift, by Marcel Mauss. One of Mauss's points, I read, was that in small 'archaic' societies gifts were meant to stay in motion. You received a gift with the intention of giving it to someone else, not of keeping it. If you kept it, say, on a shelf, people believed once upon a time, the gift would die. 
 
The night I read this idea I went to bed in my little affordable-housing apartment above the Pike Place Market. I stared in the darkness at my wonderful collection of books, silent on new west-coast shelves. Road-markers on my journey. Heartwrenching, life-changing, inspiring, challenging, unforgettable... I'd paid for some of them, pocketed others, but they were all gifts, really, weren't they. And I thought, these books, encased like that, already read, are indeed dead. Look there: a deceased love story, a lifeless adventure, a comedy of errors without pulse.
 
The next morning I woke up and made a new rule. I would only keep as many books as would fit on a tiny, two-tiered bookcase I'd been using as a shelf under my bathroom sink. Even books I hadn't read yet had to fit -- stacked vertically, not piled flat. That would have been cheating.  
 
I can't remember which ones I kept, but when I was through I had less than twenty books on that little shelf, and a dolly overflowing with more than three hundred. I wheeled the dolly into the hallway of my building, took the elevator to the lobby, parked it and left this note: FREE BOOKS.
 
Then I went out to do what you do on any given morning in Seattle: drink some coffee. I came back 45 minutes later. All of the books were gone. Every one of them. The shock of it sucked the air out of me. I had expected some early scavenging -- some books removed, others stacked politely to one side -- not this wholesale and vulgar ransacking of my sacred temple. A temple that had taken me years to build.
 
Then, I made myself think of The Gift. My old books weren't relics to be looted, they were winged things that I'd freed. I felt exhilarated. Lighter and giddy for the burden released. Later that day I was horror-stricken. As I fell asleep I felt such peace. In the morning, panic.
 
That's pretty much the rollercoaster ride I still take each time I think about that morning nearly 20 years ago. Ouch, whew. Ouch, whew. I thought about it again this week when a big box arrived at my house in Barcelona. Inside, the author copies of my memoir, Never the Hope Itself, to be published in less than a week. 35 pristine copies. First editions, no less. The smell when I opened the box. Winged things, motionless in cardboard.

Give them all away, a voice has been yammering in one ear. Over my dead body, whispers another. 

 
 
 
When I was just out of college, I worked for three years in book publishing, in New York City. Because the starting wage was usually enough to cover your rent and groceries, but never enough, for happ...
When I was just out of college, I worked for three years in book publishing, in New York City. Because the starting wage was usually enough to cover your rent and groceries, but never enough, for happ...
 
 
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sabelmouse
i love to tumble , ask me why .
06:06 AM on 09/13/2011
i have had to let go of my books several times in my live.
now i only let go of books i don't like much.
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threnodymarch
Art is long, life is short.
10:06 AM on 09/12/2011
That is such a neat idea. I hope I can get to the point in my life where I can part with my books like that, but I'm not there yet. Mostly because I have a lot of books that I haven't read yet and want to get to, so it's pretty wasteful to give away books I've bought and have the intention of reading. Great article.
thebigbike
ran away to be a cowboy
03:21 PM on 09/10/2011
In my town we have two institutions that give books more than one chance. There is a separate free standing goodwill store that is ONLY BOOKS. Donate your books, they'll go on the shelves in a store with maybe 10,000 books at any one time. LOTS of them are crap but then what makes that different from a big box new bookstore? LOTS of them are great, both fiction and nonfiction. The books make some money for a good cause, and real readers and book lovers flock there regularly. Our local SPCA has an annual 30-day book sale, for even MORE discriminating and appreciative readers and with another 10,000 or more books. Another great cause, and a way to keep books circulating. I buy 'em one place, read 'em and donate 'em to the other. And of course nearly every library has a donated book table. ( With libraries though, I get annoyed that they very seldom consider adding donated books to the collection, unless you have a face to face with the acquisitions desk. They are often sort of parochial. not bought here? no good... though to give them a little bit of excuse it DOES cost moeny to catalog and prepare a book for circulation.

If you have a closely connected collection though, they might be VERY grateful, or odd items that you might have fun finding out which library has a special collections unit with that interest. They are very grateful when it fits!
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TomHunter
Author of "The Butcher of Leningrad" (a thriller)
09:48 AM on 09/10/2011
I worked in the home office of Barnes & Noble on 18th Street & 5th Ave in New York City. One of the giant perks there was the free book tables. I availed myself well of those. I have never owned a TV and read constantly. I have shipped hundreds and hundreds of books that I acquired at B&N to family members. I also adopted a library in a small town in Nebraska where my mother grew up. I have sent that library box after box of books and they really have appreciated them. I have been sending the best hardbacks there. And my niece has turned into a voracious reader--so I totally agree with you.
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annasophie1228
excuse me...i was told there would be no math...
03:06 PM on 09/09/2011
i have never been able to give away my charlie brown and peanuts collection. i have every single one. whenever i move, the first thing i pack are my books. i always keep a book in my car in case i get stuck somewhere or suddenly find myself in a "i wish i brought my book" kind of situation.

that's pretty much why i can't get into the e-reader deal. yes, i can appreciate maybe dowloading a book that would otherwise weigh 12 pounds on my travels, but there's something about owning and touching and holding a book. mine, allllllllllll mine....
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henriette and hube
love just is; golden in it's simplicity
05:11 PM on 09/09/2011
I feel the same way. I like feeling a book in my hands and not a piece of meta and actually turning the pages. I won't buy a kindle or any ibook ever.
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debkey
10:06 AM on 09/09/2011
I decided a couple of years ago, after moving several times and hauling heavy boxes of books, that I was done with it. I donated a bunch to the library, but now, every so often when they start to spill over, I lug them down to the Laundry Room in my apartment complex and stack them up on the table. Every single time, they are gobbled up by other residents. I get pleasure from that.
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annasophie1228
excuse me...i was told there would be no math...
03:00 PM on 09/09/2011
i used to do the same thing and i, too, felt satisfied that at least some other person was now reading it. i've also been the recipient of anonymous donors.
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Nora Bahr
01:44 AM on 09/09/2011
I'm currently in college. My first year here I lived in a dorm and had no place for a bookshelf. I limited myself to one box of non-school reading material (packed loving in a beer box rescued from work) and stored in the precious limited space of my tiny closet. Picking the books from my collection to come to school with me was hard.

This year, housed in a small apartment off-campus, I've got room for a bookshelf. I didn't fill it up, wanting to leave space for new things I might acquire, but again picking the books to take and deciding what to leave at home was hard.

I hate giving my books away. Hate it. I never know when I might want to return to a story, and I do re-read things.
09:35 PM on 09/08/2011
A couple of things:

1) After all those years, he only had 300 odd books? In about 6-7 years, I've built a library of about 2,300 books. Mostly stolen, but still.

2) I'm sure that a few of those people actually went home and read those books, but he does realize that those people didn't go home and read them, but sold them on E-bay and Amazon, right?
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threnodymarch
Art is long, life is short.
10:08 AM on 09/12/2011
It's easy to build a library of so many books when you don't pay for them.....
01:15 PM on 09/12/2011
I know, tell me about it! My friends and I have probably cleaned them out of tens of thousands of dollars worth of books. Thanks, Borders and B&N!
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sophie M
ANTI WAR./animal rescue
03:28 PM on 09/08/2011
i go the re-cycle bins to collect newspapers for the Humane Society, and for me ( we use shredded newspaper for kitty litter)...
i am amazed at the number of books i find.
i have such a difficult time parting with books. ...in fact , i don't.
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signgrrl
typeface geek
04:29 PM on 09/08/2011
when i moved, i left some books behind. there was only so much room in the car, after all. i still kick myself.
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sophie M
ANTI WAR./animal rescue
05:18 PM on 09/08/2011
i know, been there.
i pet sit for an older gentleman..he is a writer. His entire house is a library...every room.
such a pleasure for me . i stay there for hours, leafing thru the books.
plus i just love his doggie , Arthur.
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henriette and hube
love just is; golden in it's simplicity
03:09 PM on 09/08/2011
It was hard in fact so difficult that I refrained from doing it for years and buying another bookcase instead and then I did a mind search because I couldn't find room in my house for another bookcase and I was already filling two shelves in my china cabinet and had stacks on the floor. I had all kinds of conversations with myself and finally decided that I'd feel better it I culled carefully and gave some to the library and took some paperbacks to a used bookstore who doesn't take hardcovers. I'm feeling a bit better with myself and don't miss the many books I wouldn't have read anyway. In fact I probably wouldn't be rereading most of what I have left which also includes history, art etc.
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henriette and hube
love just is; golden in it's simplicity
05:09 PM on 09/09/2011
That should have been "re-read."
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Dan Schell
Reagan & Dubya made me this way.
10:02 AM on 09/08/2011
What? Someone wants to get rid of books? I would just buy a bigger house. :D
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henriette and hube
love just is; golden in it's simplicity
03:10 PM on 09/08/2011
My kind of guy.
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signgrrl
typeface geek
04:30 PM on 09/08/2011
wanna share him ?
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BlueZoo
Independent voter, Independent thinker!
10:00 AM on 09/08/2011
I just gave away over 500 hardcover books and they went to a local college. I contacted them and told them what I had and they jumped at the chance to have the collection. There were many books on the great artists, a lot of non-fiction, select fiction, dozens of first-editions including a signed Hemingway, from over 50 years of collecting. I thought it would be difficult to give away so many beloved books but it wasn't. Knowing they were going to enhance the knowledge of future generations eased any pangs I had.
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henriette and hube
love just is; golden in it's simplicity
03:12 PM on 09/08/2011
I'm not ready to give away those kinds of books yet though I do have instructions in my will. The only Hemingway I kept was A Moveable Feast which I consider the best of all the books he wrote.
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BlueZoo
Independent voter, Independent thinker!
06:22 PM on 09/08/2011
Re "A Moveable Feast"...I could not agree more! It was definitely his best! My signed copy was, alas, "For Whom the Bell Tolls'" - not as good as Feast, but still immensely informative and entertaining.
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colonelsun68
Ready! Fire! Aim!
07:48 AM on 09/08/2011
Getting rid of old books is one of the hardest things a book lover can do! Sometimes I may want to take another look at some cheesy novel I read 40 years ago, and if it's not there it's a real letdown. I have far too many books cluttering my home, but they feel like old friends.
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LisaCACO
someone ate my micro-bio!
11:07 PM on 09/07/2011
i just started selling a few of my fiction books, giving some away. very very hard. Keeping 99% of my non-fiction. My daughter, 7, loves books too and won't give hers away. The house isn't big enough for the both of us ;) .
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Dan Schell
Reagan & Dubya made me this way.
10:04 AM on 09/08/2011
I find fiction easy to give away but you're right about non-fiction (except textbooks). Additionally, fiction isn't easy to sell secondhand.
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tulsey
I was Bill Hicks.
09:11 PM on 09/07/2011
Have a fairly extensive 40 yr collection of books. Should it go to the local public library discount store or to ungrateful children?