Nothin' From Nothin' Leaves Nothin': Levi Johnston at 19

Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have been behaving themselves recently, so Vanity Fair, a magazine named for the foremost representation of social ambition in the English language, has just published excerpts of Levi Johnston's forthcoming book-length account of what? Himself, I suppose; how he became marginally involved, albeit briefly, in national level politics after impregnating and then deserting the impressionable daughter of Alaska's former governor and the GOP's current looby*-in-chief.

Despite whatever large amount Vanity Fair paid him, Mr. Johnston's short-lived delay en route to his unavoidable obscurity has already cost him big time. Mother Sheryl L. Johnston was busted in Wasilla last December for selling a prescription painkiller (oxycontin-sometimes called 'hillbilly heroin') to an undercover Alaska State Trooper. "Sherry" Johnston was then sentenced to a fiver in the state pen. Without any prompting the Troopers assured everyone that their investigation, which resulted in only one conviction, had nothing to do with Levi's disastrous relationship to the gubernatorial family. -- OK.

Mrs. Johnston was also very forthcoming. She told the court that she had become addicted to oxycontin during a series of unsuccessful operations that began with a hysterectomy. There's a missing step, of course, in her transition from addict to dealer, but no doubt this will be the topic of a future Vanity Fair piece entitled 'Painkillers and the Change of Life: Levi's Mom Tells All.'

Like Sarah Palin, Levi has a forthcoming book entirely about his peripheral (and somewhat sordid or depressing) relationship with the Palin family. If I was Sarah Palin, I would be rejoicing today in the knowledge that the current Vanity Fair piece will no doubt kill any further interest in Mr. Johnston's book. Mr. Johnston wants to begin a career as a male model and/or actor. I'm not sure he'll be successful, but I think he avoid any further effort involving the written word.

It's pretty dull crud. If my 19 year old had written it, I'd imagine I'd failed him somewhere. But I'd be very unhappy if he impregnated and then deserted a young woman. However, then turning on her parents -- yes, even the Palins -- seems to worsen the creepiness of this narcissistic child. I wonder if he was brought up by wolves, but -- of course -- this would give beautiful Alaskan gray wolves a bad name. They're extremely loyal animals.

Obviously, Sheryl L. Johnston is not the person to imbue her offspring with literary or moral standards (creating this impression may actually be the very reason she was arrested), but where's Levi's dad? This again, is the topic for a future Vanity Fair piece entitled: "Wasilla Deadbeat: Levi's Dad's Secret Pain.'

Well, this is a very short phlegm-ball, and I apologize. I've already wasted too much time on Sarah Palin in other posts. When next she and I meet in print, it will be to give serious attention to her memoir, which, I'm sure, ghostwriters and editors in New York are laboring over even as you read these final words:

What the hell has happened to Vanity Fair? They used to have standards.

Gail Collins writes about "Levi's Revenge" in the New York Times here.

Marcus of the Washington Post has a nice take on "Levi's Johnston's Smarmy Tale" here.

and Levi's VF piece "Me And Mrs. Palin" in can be retrieved here.

Enough already!

* gloss for "looby": a clumsy lout, a foolish person. Palinesque.

 

 

Comments

[mollymac]

As a former Alaskan, they are both loony tunes. However, LJ is just a kid; what's Sarah's excuse?

[MOinkslinger]

Levi was a lot closer to the Palin family than most of the rest of the population. While he was issues with the family, his observations are either first hand or via conservations with Bristol. Don't think Levi is father of the year, but on the other hand Sarah isn't mother of the year!

[deosil]

If Palin can do it then Levi CAN do it...it´s part of the same cesspool. Palin spotlighted Levi in the first place and praised him before she trashed him.

Palin´s book will be tame, and re-write history as she sees it and then little Levi will ¨write¨ a TELL ALL.
People will want to buy it.

I dont think this is the Letterman, Jon Stewart set, it´s more the VIEW and Oprah set

Levi would have had a SAD LIFE, as you put, anyway! This modeling, parties with Kathy Griffin, book deal is more then a kid like that could ever dream of...do you blame for TRYING to cash in?

I dont think Palin is any better. Palin is still collecting for her travel and legal expenses via SARAHPAC, she knows dang well she quit her political day job and holds no post, except that of PAID PUBLIC SPEAKER. She hasn´t a chance in hell of ever being president unless it was by sacred TEAMSARAH decree and martial law. She is still excepting DONATIONS...and the zealots will continue to donate until sometime around 2012 they realize Palin has left the building for greener pastures...KA CHING!

[Hammerofthor]

Good article, Mr. Slade. But, since Levi targets the same audience as Jon Strewart David Letterman, his book may do very well.

[mychagal]

Why are the publishers, editors and ghostwriters paying Sarah Palin for a book she's NOT WRITING? Shouldn't they pay themselves and offer Palin no more than a finder's fee?

It's Sarah Palin's lifelong dream to do nothing all day and have money thrown at her from all sides. Levi is no different. Quick Palin better hide the money. I'm sure she doesn't want to split it with Todd. Once she hides it in a safe deposit box somewhere, she will not have to include it in her divorce settlement. She could say she spent it. Of course, she'll still have to deal with the IRS.

I marvel how not one single christian has ever brought up the issue of using Palin as a role model. It is a fact that she has lied about everything. How does one explain this in her book, that good little christian boys and girls could actually understand?

Oops, Sarah Palin is really a liar, but don't tell anyone!

[NoSillyName]

I disagree. LJ knows the dirt on the Palin Family and many people want to hear it.

BTW, apparently Bristol dumped him, not vice-versa.

[smileatfear]

It's a sad life Levi has ahead of him. Addict/dealer mother. Denied visitation with his child. A taste of celebrity and wealth and then *poof* obscurity and poverty. But I do take exception to the point that he "deserted" palin's daughter. These are two very young, very naive young people who were under a whole lot of pressure. Kids fight and break up. Then the baby gets used as a pawn. And then there are hard feelings and animosity - in this case, I'm sure, egged on by a certain grandma. They are too young to have a child and too young to get married. At least they avoided one disaster.