Barely Appropriate

As I was walking to the subway this morning, I heard a man call out "Yo! Can I get five minutes wit you?"

He was at least 25 years old, if not older. He wore ridiculously baggy jeans, an over-sized leather Jets bomber jacket (even though it was 60 degrees outside) and a red cap that hid his glaring eyes.

I prepared my retort, assuming this idiot was talking to me. (I always assume any and all cat-calls are directed at me which is a whole other issue that I can explore in another blog entry.)

To my dismay, it was not me that this dude wanted to get five minutes "wit"; it was a 15-year-old girl at which he was directing his creepy rudeness.

The girl briefly made eye contact with the guy and quickly made her way to the train.

Good girl.

The guy continued to call after her "Yo! Yo! I was talking to you! Yo!"

The sound of his voice went from flirtatious to angry. It now had "how dare you" ring to it, as if this girl had no right to deny his request.

Had it not been 9 a.m. and had I not been carrying a $3 Starbucks coffee and had I not been wearing my new Miss Sixty heeled leather boots which are already a bitch to walk in (let alone fight in), I would have kicked this dude right in his balls. That is if he even had balls. I mean why else would one wear pants so baggy unless of course to mask ones lack of size.

I was disgusted and enraged. I mean what the hell did this adult want from this child? Granted it was morning on a busy city street so I guess this man really couldn't do a lot "wit" her. Or could he? Maybe he could lure her into a car or alley? Maybe he'd finagle her address and sneak into her house one night and attack her? Maybe he innocently just wanted to dish about last night's episode of Drake & Josh or discuss what color elastics she would be getting next on her braces? Whatever his intentions, they are wrong because he is a grown-up and she is not.

It's not just this idiot who's prowling the Juniors department at Sears looking for tail. Take Ryan Seacrest, at this weekends Emmys when he made at least three creepy comments about how Heroes star Haden Panettiere was now 18 and "va-va voom in the boom boom" or whatever it is that douchey over-tanned hosts say about underage girls. (I didn't even think Ryan was into girls, but again that's perhaps a whole other issue that I can explore in another blog entry.)

As an often racy and inappropriate comedian, I can take a good dirty joke, but this wasn't a joke -- it was just dirty. Ryan wasn't being funny (partly because he is never funny). Instead it was as though he was doing an impression of what he thought men would like him to be: a careless, over-sexed, dirty dude who was commenting on a hot young piece of ass. The poor girl is there to celebrate her Emmy-nominated work and Ryan turns the moment into something awkward and just wrong.

(Note to Ryan Seacrest: I actually kind of like you. Please don't ruin it by playing the part of a horny chode. But feel free to still act like a hyper, high-maintainence, metro-sexual chode. That's the Ryan we all know and sorta love-ish.)

I'm not an idiot to the whole "barely legal" phenomenon. It seems it's always been expected and acceptable that men can be "dirty old men" and girls are to be "the apple of their gross, sweaty, menacing, nasty, repulsive, eager, pathetic eye." But when does this apparent fetish become dangerous? When does alleged harmless flirtation with underage girls become harmful? Is it that unless Chris Hanson apprehends you on To Catch a Predator then it's no harm no foul?

This blog entry is being written partly by my educated, feminist, adult self and partly by my frightened, insulted, self-conscious teenage self.

I am still angry about the times when, at 12 years old, I'd walk to the park and have men twice my age drove by in cars yelling commentary on the size of my then still developing chest.

I am still scared of the 40-something year man who, when I was 13 years old, approached me and my friend about a "modeling" job and suggested we walk with him to his car so he could tell us more about the opportunity (we didn't go).

And I am still and forever apologetic for all the times as a teenager I didn't call my mother to let her know I was going to be late. I'd come home to her worried and terrified face and say, "Whatever. So I'm late, what's the big deal?" Now I know what the big deal was. As I better comprehend the joy and fear of possibly one day having a daughter of my own, I understand her obsessive concerns regarding my teenage whereabouts and her constant nagging that "there are a lot of bad people out there."

Men still say rude and disgusting things to me. I am not comfortable walking alone at night. I will always be aware and afraid of the fact that I could be assaulted. Luckily, as an adult I am educated enough to keep myself protected as best I can. I usually make good decisions when deciding what strangers are safe and what strangers are strange. I have developed a mature intuition that will hopefully continue to keep me out of harms way.

However a teenager, a girl, a child does not have the experience, the training or the skills to always protect herself. So please, let's all think before we make comments about young girls, or worse yet make comments to young girls.

At age 13, 14, 15, girls haven't had the time to grow up and know who they are yet, why the hell should they waste and risk five minutes "wit" some degenerate creep who clearly has some growing up to do as well?

Comments

[Markson]

How disturbing we live in a world where pedophiles are just called "creepy." What type of man harasses a damn child--sexually?! Child rape is a serious issue and yet we insist on trivializing as if it were just "inappropriate," a snafu.

Is misogyny so extreme that even girls are not safe? It's one thing to expect them to be harassed by boys, but now they have to worry about men? As an uncle of a tween niece, I am finding it all but impossible to pretend it's just harmless banter.

[1will]

I've never seen men acting the way you describe when children walk by. Most of the men I know would immediately call another man on his comments and refer to him as Chester (The molester) from then on. The man making those comments at or to these girls would quickly be shunned by his circle of friends. Of course men will always appreciate a beautiful woman and talk among themselves. That appreciation is reserved for adult women however.
I don't know where you live but I suspect it's in the North where such behavior seems more accepted.

[a]

ok - it seems like all the ladies posting on the living now section are hot. now that i've gotten that out of the way, i will say this is a great article.

[Lon]

I don't get this idea that women today look older. Having reached 40 now most women in their early 20s look like teenagers to me.

I do think that this idea that we are supposed to be excited about actresses like the Olsens or the one from Heroes are formula jokes that people are supposed to like because they are familiar, like the idea that we were all warned about running with scissors when we were young, or "If I tell you I have to kill you." That is to say they are jokes that did not start out funny, but somehow became standard and now are enjoyed by people who want their humor familiar.

But it is a creepy joke and even creepier that it gets its appeal from being familiar.

[steve543]

I too was upset with Ryan's comments...
I have a 17yr old granddaughter and worry
for her and her friends...they are raised to
be polite and kind so they tend to let this type of comment roll off their backs...I say
teach our young girls to speak up and object
to such treatment. I used to think this type of thing was harmless until my wife told me how she felt as a young girl and how it still affects her today...she will not go into a
store if men are hanging outside or walk
alone in certain areas...Men do not know this fear...I am sorry my wife and granddaughter have to face this daily.

[Cranbot]

Men don't "get it" because they don't have to be constantly vigilant about being attacked. It is not until they have daughters that they finally start to realize how men leer at anything female.

The underage thing is very creepy though. I remember the same types of comments and drooling when the Olsen Twins were about to become "legal".

And be careful with those baggy pants - they are used to conceal weapons, not small thingys.

[ORSunshine]

I've never understood the male obsession with young women. I think there are probably a number of reasons that older men are attracted to younger women though (probably some deeply ingrained furthering the species thing, from when life expectancies were much shorter; maleability of young, unresolved minds; lack of self confidence in themselves that attracts them to weaker partners).
My own boyfriend recently made the telling statement "I've been having a hard time telling how old young girls are, they seem so much more mature today than when I was in high school." While there may be a grain of truth (I'm pretty sure that 80's fashions didn't show as much midriff as today's teenage outfits), the actual physical maturity seems about the same to me.
But it makes me wonder, do men lose the ability to see youth objectively? Why can't they tell that it's a 15-year-old girl? What role does the fashion industry play in encouraging younger and younger women to dress more and more provacatively? Is it that our culture and youth want to dress that way on their own? Or do they see models dressed that way and want to imitate it? Is capitalism driving it? Are we seriously in the 21st Century and using women as purely sexual objects for marketing purposes? Where's the outrage against that? Where's the parent's putting their feet down and stopping their daughters from leaving the house because she so does not know how that outfit makes her look?!
The problem I have is how do you adequately warn teenage girls about these creeps? Some girls think the attention is great -- they may not have good supportive families, their own self confidence may be shot, etc. How can you tell a daughter or mentoree that they should avoid the older men?

[AdamB]

Why don't you ask the mother of the twelve year old girl that is strutting the catwalks this fall. Why don't you ask the women who buy the fashion magazines that the twelve year old models in? Why don't you ask the women who buys "age-defying" wrinkle cream. Where does male obsession fit here?

We are all obsessed with youth because we live in a culture that fears its own mortality.

[WBum]

I think that if responsible men would back each other up, we would be better able to intervene. I'm comfortable interjecting my opinions into situations like you described but I can understand why many men aren't. Adults are too afraid of the loose cannon to act as they know is right. How this can be accomplished I don't know. If it can be accomplished is another question. Good luck ladies and I apologize on behalf of otherwise decent men for not living up to our social responsibilities.

respectfully,
mike

[oldpotsmuggler]

My name for them is meathunks. As in “geez, why don’t you start acting like something more than a meathunk”? Those girls who are so young that you’re not sure they have even started their period, but so old that they leave no room to question that they have been taken up numerous times on their blatant invitation. That modern phenomenon which, to look at them, really, is to see nothing but sex on the hoof.

When I see a meathunk, I’m always of two minds. The small mind says a prayer of gratitude that society seems to be heading in such a direction that even the least likely of us may someday figure a way to get in on some of that action. On the other hand, the mind that’s supposed to be in control says that no man can ever be worthy of that beauty, and the poor kids deserve a hell of a lot better from life also. I mean, unless you’re something real perverted you wouldn’t do that to your own daughter, and these girls are really nothing more than the daughter of someone.

So, as improbable as it may seem, this is a problem that likely can be fixed only by men. Sure, we’re hard wired with a tendency to accept every female invitation, but we’ve also been provided with the tools to overcome even the most primitive characteristics of our gender. If we are ever to get to a place in time where everyone knows that girls have to be raised to be kids, rather than “young women”, it will only be because men have grown up enough to lead our species on this particular part of the journey of life.

On one level easy sex is a wonderful thing, but it's a pretty shallow level.

[MarkLuth]

Back in the early-1970s, when the modern feminist movement began, I had hopes that the objectification of women would end. Of course, it's unlikely that sexism will ever go completely away. There are always some jerks who want to prove how great they are by demeaning others' humanity. But I am shocked that women are treated more overtly as sex objects today than at any time in my five decades-plus on the planet.

The sad thing is that some of this is being encouraged by big media. Take Britney Spears, for example. In her pre-adolescent mind, Madonna was the embodiment of stardom. Bolstered by her parents and her own ambitions, Spears' first videos portrayed her as an innocent who wasn't quite, a Madonna-lite. The videos encouraged her objectification and because she was too young and too ambitious to even know to say, "No," expectations were created that Spears would always be a sex object, that she would, as time rolled by and she turned eighteen, would entail showing more flesh. My personal guess is that today, Spears feels trapped by her image, yet never has had the opportunity to develop as a human being in order to know that she doesn't have to be an object. Not only has she been hurt by this, but so has a generation of young women, pre- and post-adolescent, who many think, are little more than sex objects.

Laws can be passed to outlaw the kinds of harrassing behaviors you mention in your post. But until the culture says that things like sexism and misogyny aren't okay, the behaviors will continue.

Mark Daniels
http://markdaniels.blogspot.com

[SensibleAmerican]

Pedophilia is a widespread disease in our society. I am happy that shows like "catch a predator" have brought about more awareness and also the listing of sex offenders on various websites

Even if a fella is not a pedophile but just a "dirty old/older man", it can make life fairly uncomfortable for young girls. I see it personally at my local 'Starbucks' where there are a lot of pretty 18/19 years old working behind the counter. It sickens me to see these middle aged guys fawning over and flirting with them. Some of these creeps have daughters that age!

[commonsenselives]

I also find it very disturbing when an older man actually DATES a woman who is as young as his daughter. I mean, ewwww...what is your daughter going to think when you introduce her to her "stepmother" that happens to be her age? I'd freak the f**k out!

The creepiness factor is giving me goosebumps as I type this!

[dadw5boys]

Where was the Christian Right when ELVIS took a child to his home? My parent thought it was strange that people accepted it.