It's Not You, It's Me

I picked a fight with a co-worker two weeks ago. I was in the office kitchen making a peanut butter and banana sandwich when I overheard the following exchange.

Man: "Shoot! There is no more water in the bubbler."

Woman: "Oh no!"

Man: "I guess I will have to just dehydrate myself with coffee !"

(insert awkward laughter here)

Woman: "Well coffee still has water in it so it will still hydrate you."

Man: "Um, I don't think so. Coffee is diuretic. It dehydrates you."

Woman: "Yeah but it has water in it. Water is hydrating. Coffee still counts as one of your eight glasses of water a day."

Man: "Well, whatever."

I didn't know the man or woman involved in the above discussion. Actually I have made it a point to not to really know anyone in my office. As a freelance copywriter/writer/comedian/actress/whatever I am have endured too many quickie relationships and frankly I'm tired.

I've befriended countless strangers on jobs whom at one time or another have bored me to tears as they hunch over my desk sharing endless details and photos of their spouse, kids and pets.

I've had to pretend and laugh at one too many terrible jokes forced upon me because everyone on my floor heard I was a comedian. Kindly they all end their long-winded routines by telling me "you know, you should use this in your act!"

And let's not forget how many times I've been added to a co-workers email chain letter forward list. Really, the list of " Ten Ways to Tell if You're A Masshole" was painfully unfunny the first time, please don't burden me with 10 years of bad luck if I don't pass this shit onto 20 innocent victims of my address book.

Point is, I just want to make some cash and go home. While I've always been fortunate enough to work with really nice people, I am not super nice once placed in the confides of a cubicle.

Hence my reaction to the above mentioned great water/coffee debate.

The man and woman had seemingly ended their banter when I decided to voice my opinion. In addition to my office mask of anger, I am also the kind of gal that feels compelled to be a social super hero. In other words, if I feel someone is being a condescending know it-all I feel the need to step in and save humanity from the evils of jerkdom. This can be best demonstrated by the fact that I took it upon myself to create a blog called Dear Douchebag in which I wrote letters to people I thought were douches. I realize berating others online in the form of letters to douchebags sorta makes me somewhat of a condescending know-it-all as well. None the less, I like to think of myself as courtesy crusader.

Me: "Um no he's right, coffee dehydrates you. It does not count as one of your glasses of water"

Woman: "Ahhh I don't think that's right."

Me: "Ahhh well I think it is."

Man: (looks on in horror and/or awe)

Woman: "Well whatever"

End of story, right? Her "whatever" was a surrender flag. A sign of truce. Yet I couldn't let it go. This girl had done nothing wrong but be misinformed and for some reason I decided she need to be schooled.

Me: (in snooty na-nanny-boo-boo voice) "Well I used to workout with a trainer when I lived in LA and he told me that for every cup of coffee I drink I need to drink an extra glass of water to re-hydrate myself. I mean if you read any health article or any fitness site it will say the same thing, which is coffee does not count toward your daily water intake. COFFEE DEHYRATES YOU!" (Insert fists clenching, eyes rolling and embarrassing voice raising here.)

Woman: "Alright." (walks out silently)

Me: (to Man) "Oopsies, did I just start a battle?"

Man: (stunned) "Ummm I dunno." (exits)

Now, two weeks I am back at said freelance gig and it seems that suddenly said woman is everywhere I turn: beside me at the bathroom sinks, behind me at the copy machine and worst of near me in the kitchen.

Perhaps she doesn't recall our battle. I mean, contrary to what the voices in my head say, the world does not in fact revolve around me and people are not always concerned with me and chances are she didn't give our interaction a second though.

Or perhaps she can't sleep at night over my forceful attack on her H2O beliefs.

Regardless, after some hard-hitting Google research I discovered that some facts claim coffee hydrates while others report it does not. Looks like we were both right or both wrong or in her words both "whatever."

Well, may this blog serve as an indirect apology for my uppity outburst and let it also serve as reminder to me to try and be better at picking my battles as well as a reminder that I really need to do more yoga.

Note: I still consider coffee a diuretic.

Comments

[CarneyGirl]

Hi Giulia,

I too, am aflicted with an overwhelming desire to correct people when they have what seem to me,obviously false assertions. I fight it.
I assure you it has done little for my popularity in the office but I find it is a compulsion I must heed.
The tough part is balancing the sarcasm with the information - oh, that and accurately guaging the other person's aggression level and mental health:)

ab

[posthumous]

Woman: Well, may this blog serve as an indirect apology for my uppity outburst and let it also serve as reminder to me to try and be better at picking my battles as well as a reminder that I really need to do more yoga.

Me: Try "to" be better.

Woman: Huh? I said that?

Me: No, you said try "and" be better. I mean, which is it? Are you going to try or are you going to just do it? It can't be both.

Woman: Where did you hear that?

Me: um... my ex-wife.

Woman: Didn't work out, huh?

Me: Whatever.

[jhNY]

In my search for what makes this funny, I missed it. So I read it again. Now I think it's funny because you started a blog to write about less nothing than Seinfeld based a show on. A lot less nothing. That's the joke, right?

[Newfycrat]

Ill just add my two cents to the debate. You do not need to drink 8 glasses of water every day. Certainly not if you are working inside an office. In general, your body will tell you if you are thirsty and if so, you should drink water. Forcing yourself to drink water when you are not thirsty is not necessarily good for your body (it signals you for a reason) and as we know has the capacity to cause harm to the body. Look at the number of marathon runners who have been harmed from drinking too much because they were told they had to drink a certain amount rather then listening to their own bodies.
Also we get water from food, many people who are counting glasses are not adding in the natural water they are getting in their fruits, vegetables and meat. Many of the alarmists who say just about everyone in America are constantly dehydrated never counted the high amount of water in foods people eat, only the water they drank. That is bad accounting.
A study said drinking water before eating doesn't make a difference in food uptake (doesn't help you eat less at a meal), but eating *food* high in water content does lower caloric intake.
There are some conditions where some argument could be made to drink extra water, perhaps in fasting and with certain medical conditions, and if you are working in the heat when you are not used to high temperatures.
Sometimes coffee acts more diuretic-like in your body than other times. The body is very dynamic. So if coffee makes you thirsty, drink water. Some people say not to drink coffee to prevent certain kidney stones and it ends up that coffee prevents certain stones from forming.
So I would have been the other person in the room who says you don't need to count.

[AsaNisMasa]

you know...you really threw me for a loop there...for a minute i thought coworkers were talking about using coffee in the OTHER kind of bubbler.

[coxproject]

...sins are absolved...

[coxproject]

Whether you're right or not, God love you for telling us all about it, in entertaining story form. I find that my sins, perceived or otherwise, by airing them in public.

[SamThornton]

Two Irishmen walk into a bar. One orders a Glenfiddich, the other a plain, black coffee.

"On the wagon?" inquires the first.

I forgot the punch line.

[sorenmeetsdylan]

Wow, it's come to this sort of idiocy, has it?

[snaggster]

Well, by all means, give us a heaping helping of your sort of idiocy then.

[LZigman]

HILARIOUS. I cannot get to your blog fast enough.