For Glamour, by Jen Glantz.
I keep a document saved on the desktop of my computer that contains all of the mind-boggling things guys have said to me on dates. I wish these one-liners read like a grocery list, but by now—after about 6 years of consistently first-dating and being perpetually single—the list reads more like a chapter of a novel—a really, really wordy novel, with footnotes.
I’ve left a date after 15-minutes, after it felt like it had turned into a debate. I’ve left a date after one drink, when the guy said so many degrading comments that I could feel my face getting so red with anger that I needed to leave and find the nearest punching bag. I’ve even said, “Check, please!” on a date when the guy made creepy sexual advances toward me after knowing me for all of ten minutes.
You could say that throughout the greater part of my twenties, the average time I’ve lasted on dates has been the same amount of time one lasts through an episode Fuller House without yawning (not long).
But what’s made me roll my eyes the hardest—putting pure politics aside—are some of the comments guys have said to me on dates that now make me think that they learned a little too much from Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.
A simple read through my doc of nightmarish first-date quotes and I found these 6 things that real guys have said to me that seem like they could have come straight from the mouth of Donald Trump.
1. "You are way smarter than you look"
I was drinking overpriced cash-only cocktails at a speakeasy when a guy I was crushing on from afar stirred his drink twice before looking me in the eyes and telling me that I am way smarter than I looked. We were talking about our jobs and I was blabbing about all the things I was doing to get myself promoted that year at my start-up. He was, perhaps, impressed with my career game plan and decided that it didn’t match well with my appearance. Which is why, when he uttered that fairly gross sentence, the gin-fizz drink I was slowly sipping shot right out of my mouth. I asked him what he meant by that and gawked back at him when he told me that a blonde-haired girl like me doesn’t look like the kind of girl who has career aspirations. Let’s just say, I found myself alone in a cab home less than 5 minutes after that comment landed in my lap.
2. "They are losers"
On a first date, a guy I met on an app made reservations for us to grab a bite at a tapas restaurant. When we arrived, the hostess didn’t have us down on the list and my date started throwing a temper tantrum that reminded me of one my three year-old cousin might throw when someone prematurely takes away the cookie she’s eating. I took a few steps back so that diners wouldn’t associate me with this man-turned-Tasmanian-devil. After he shared all of his thoughts with the hostess and the manager, he turned to me and pointed at the people who operated the restaurant saying, “They are losers. All of them. Losers.” I laughed because the last time I heard one person call another person a loser was probably in the fifth grade. But this man I was out with wasn’t some preteen, he was a 32-year-old business professional. He grabbed my hand and asked that we find a new place to eat. I dropped his hand, ordered take-out on my phone, and told him to have a nice night.
3. "Well, you weren’t my first choice"
I found myself breaking bread on Valentine’s Day with a guy I had been out with once before. He took me to a fancy steak house (even though he knew I was a life-long vegetarian). Right before he ordered a filet the size of my face and I ordered everything on the menu that didn’t come from an animal, I thanked him for taking me out to such a nice place on V-Day. He raised his eyebrows and told me the only reason we were there is because he had a gift card. I nervously laughed before he continued on to say that he knew I didn’t eat meat but he took me there anyway because he didn’t have anyone else to go with. “Jen, come on, you weren’t my first choice,” was the last thing he said to me before I said I suddenly didn’t feel very well and ordered myself an Uber ride home.
4. "The best part about me? I’m really rich"
When you’re single long enough, you find yourself trying anything—like, really anything—to meet your perfect match. That’s how I found myself at a blind-folded speed-dating event where you sit across from someone you don’t know and can’t see and determine if there’s a connection. One guy I sat across from asked me what the best part about me was. I told him that it was probably that I don’t care what people think about me. When I tossed the same question his way, he didn’t take even a moment to think. He spit back out, “It’s that I’m rich. Really, really rich.” Luckily our time was up after that question, because I laughed so hard at how ridiculous his blind-folded face sounded when he said that answer.
5. "I’m going to do it better than anyone else"
Perhaps you could say mistake number one was going out with a guy that I met on a dating app exclusive to entrepreneurs, but when we were on the date, it went from what should have been an evening of flirting and talking about our hopes and dreams to a night where we talked about each other’s business plans and growth projections. Before I could finish my first dinner roll of the evening, my date was showing me his investor pitch deck and practicing as if we were getting ready for a big meeting the next day. That’s when he added, at the end of his elevator pitch, that his new app was going to be better than anyone else has ever done in this world and that he was going to do this as soon as the investors dropped the money in his bank account. I waited for him to ask me to invest, at which time I would have pulled out the three quarters I had in the bottom of my purse and tossed them his way just to get him to shhh.
6. "It’s going to be HUGE"
Maybe it was supposed to be a complete joke, but a few months ago, a guy I was chatting with on a dating app made plans to take me out to a local sushi spot. For three days leading up to the date, he would text me 6 times a day that the date was going to behuge. I think he was trying to imitate Donald, but it came off as annoying—not funny—and just all-around pretentious. Was it really going to be huge? I mean I planned on ordering two sushi rolls and an appetizer-sized salad and being in bed by 9pm at the latest, so...
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