I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been. Wayne Gretzky

When you do know what you want in a relationship, you risk falling into a downward spiral of blame and defensiveness.

Aimlessness means you can shoot yourself in the foot....

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.

--Marcus Aurelius

Keep your negative reaction to a person from expanding into denigration of that person.

The person readily morphs into your reaction to them. For example, you are insulted so therefore the other person is insulting. The other person...

In conversation, avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve. John Byrom

Even if an issue has been swept under the rug, you can lift up the rug and raise the concern.

Unlike a comedian who has to setup a punch line carefully and wait for the right beat, you can...

I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry. -- Maxine Waters

Detect earlier signs of frustration before exploding.

You might have heard the recommendation of...

"We must have strong minds, ready to accept facts as they are."
-- Harry S. Truman

Be as objective as possible in grasping the story of your conflict.

Embellishing details of the story so that you look good is tempting. The storyteller has a selfish incentive to...

Test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Here...

You can disagree without being disagreeable. Gerald Ford

Whether you tend to empathy or assertiveness, balance by bringing in both qualities.

Feeling forced to choose to be assertive or empathetic is natural. Yet you may actually feel mixed and even desire to both assert and empathize.

Bringing in the other...

"We have met the enemy and it is us"-- Walt Kelly

Take responsibility rather than blame to transform conflict to collaboration.

The walls go up in all sorts of situations with anyone from co-workers to strangers to family members. The wall rises unknowingly. Without realizing it you attribute blame and...

If men would consider not so much wherein they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling. Joseph Addison

Visualize sitting next to your adversary and being fully empathetic to that person.

Resist the urge to define the other person as the opposite...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr

When things get adversarial and tempers flare, turn your focus to what you say and do.

A conversation is wonderful because...

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others. Thomas a Kempis

Make the other person comfortable so that person can release their concerns and issues safely.

Managing your own comfort level is a crucial first step. The next step is helping the...

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. - Marie Curie

Walk into tense situation as relaxed and comfortable as you can.

Consider a person afraid of water -- a common fear....

The man who has no imagination has no wings. Muhammad Ali

When you are in conflict with another person, step back and imagine what that person's internal conflicts are.

Under stress, you are more likely to see the other person as offensive. Your fears fill the vacuum...

Knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge. So it is incumbent on me to know my self, to know it completely, to know its minutiae, its characteristics, its subtleties, and its very atoms. - Kahlil Gibran

When you have conflict with someone else, look for the conflict...

How to Seek Heroism in Demands

"Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." - John Barth

Look for the hidden heroism behind a person's demands (yours and others), especially within intractable conflicts.

In conflict, heroism may be hidden. Recognize the noble goal that is...

"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance." -- Louis D. Brandeis

Rather than reacting to the other person's demands, use those statements as clues to underlying needs.

A co-worker demands you finish your work in a week. You respond that you will finish your work in two weeks as you...

Hate no one; hate their vices, not themselves. J.G.C. Brainard

Keep dislike of another person's views from shifting into dislike of the person.

When the other person argues with you, you may want to figuratively or literally push the other person away. We can all fall prey to disliking...

"People only see what they are prepared to see." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Find comfortable ways to raise challenging issues.

Once you decide to discuss a topic, then framing becomes important. This is especially true when the message will likely provoke a strong reaction. Foremost, reflect on the way the other...

"I don't like that man very much ... I'm going to have to get to know him better." -- Abraham Lincoln

Before jumping to conclusions about the other person, seek cultural clues in the conflict.

All interactions are cross-cultural in one simple sense. Each person brings different cultural experiences to...

Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be. -- W. H. Auden

Look...