Tear Down the Walls: How to Separate the Position From the Person

Hate no one; hate their vices, not themselves. J.G.C. Brainard

Keep dislike of another person's views from shifting into dislike of the person.

When the other person argues with you, you may want to figuratively or literally push the other person away. We can all fall prey to disliking someone based on their views. The reverse is also true, of course. When the other person shares similar views with you, they are naturally more likeable.

A natural tendency is to avoid talking about a touchy subject. However, especially for relationships that matter, dodging a thorny issue in the present could haunt the relationship and rear its head at unfortunate times in the future. Here is a lost opportunity to truly understand another person's perspective and to deepen your own beliefs rather than freeze them in time. Separate the position from the person to understand rather than to change anyone's mind. At the end of the day, the other person may still hold their fundamental view and you may still hold yours.

At times, I have actively avoided discussing politics and religion with acquaintances, friends and family for concern of offending others and becoming offended. These topics go to the core of people's identities and discussing them requires time, energy and compassion. Recently, I engaged in conversation with an acquaintance who I knew had diametrically opposite views from me on politics, something I rarely did. At times, I certainly felt attacked and my guess is that he did too. However, by the end of our discussion I found myself understanding where his anger emanated from and how I had been dismissive in ways that helped me reflect on my own biases. Our friendship was deepened and I found myself more skillful in both asserting my views and empathizing with his.

A part of who we are is what we believe. This explains why we tend to assess other people's likeability and credibility based on their positions. The more vehemently you disagree with one another, the more vulnerable you are to morphing your dislike of their view into dislike of the person. And yet we have all initially disliked someone for their view only to find once we get to know them better, we change our perspective of the person.

When you see the person as separate from the positions they hold, you take out the static clouding the conversation. You are saying to the other person, "We disagree and I do not hold that against you." That signal clears the communication channels.

In my next post I will build on this concept by recognizing that your own views on issues should be separated from your view of yourself.

To learn more about the importance of communication skills particularly in negotiation and conflict resolution, read about the solutions, results and publications Grande Lum has created at Accordence, Inc.

For further discussion, contact Grande at [e-mail]

Comments

[Social Construct]

"We disagree and I do not hold that against you."
That should be a maxim for this nation.