Apology to Joan Collins

HERE'S THE ONE THING EVERYONE IS AFRAID TO SAY OUT LOUD:
Hollywood celebrities represent American greatness.

So when terrorists see people like Sean Penn or Tim Robbins, they see the American icons we cherish and idolize - and they desperately want to destroy them.

"With regard to terrorists plans to target celebrities," says one expert, "it's not a question of if...but when."

You've probably read about a rude encounter famed actress Joan Collins experienced in London the other day. As she left a posh event, a man cut in front of her, hailing a cab that was meant for her. She wrote in a UK newspaper: "As Percy held the door open to let me through, a... middle-aged, horse-faced male pushed past me, trod on the hem of my dress and rushed outside to climb into the taxi..."

FIRST, I would like to apologize to Joan Collins, because I was that "horse-faced male."

SECOND, there was a reason for my apparent rudeness. I am involved in a joint US/UK undercover operation to prevent terrorist attacks against celebrities, a dangerous undertaking that began shortly after the foiled attempt at kidnapping Russell Crowe.

With Ms. Collins, I was concerned that the cab might have been booby-trapped. Lucky for me, I was wrong. Or else i would not be here writing her this apology.

FACTS YOU ARE UNAWARE OF:
Since the war on terror began, thousands of intensely patriotic celebrities have been desperately trying to join the armed services to defend the US.
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO BE PUT AT RISK, nearly all of them are sent home.

But not before they are put through a month long, intensive instruction on how to spout anti-western anti-American rhetoric. "It's a harsh, grueling process," says one elite trainer. "We force them to say things they really don't believe - just so they'll stay alive. We've seen patriots like Oliver Stone break down in tears over the crap they have to say."

EVEN MORE, when celebrities are abroad, they are specifically instructed to intensify their anti-US rhetoric - to protect against kidnapping. "Quick thinking by both Johnny Depp and Meryl Streep saved them from almost certain death," says one terrorist expert. "Calling America stupid saved their lives."

The plan to protect patriotic celebrities by disguising them as anti-American apologists has been coined Operation Woodman (after Woody Harrelson). It was, up until recently, headed by American heroine and former undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame, who has since been outed by Karl Rove.

SOMBER THOUGHT FOR ALL OF US:
Since the Plame leak, many of our celebrities are in greater peril. And this is why all of us at the Huffpo (an Operation Woodman front op) have been so outraged at Rove, Libby and the Bush cabal. Together, these criminals have undermined the safety of our stars, and, in particular, put Minnie Driver in a very dangerous position with her current 'boyfriend,' a wealthy oil trader from Bahrain.

see ye later.

PS: Scott and I are starting a ham radio station in the basement, and could use some start up cash. Can someone at the post please ask Al Franken for a good contact at the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club?

P.P. S: if you would like learn more about saving celebrities,go to

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/archive/greg-gutfeld/nonsexual-heroic-celebrit_665.html