12/07/2005 10:35 am ET Updated May 25, 2011


"Every time Junior sees a Prius...he sees only a price tag." - Jane Smiley, the Huffington Post, Prius owner

And everyday, in every city, a Prius is targeted for bullying.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR YOUR PRIUS. by your friend, Greg Gutfeld
(To boost self-esteem, repeat one of these into your Prius glovebox while engine is running)

"You've cleaned up your act. You're a third cleaner than the first-generation (2002-03). That's noble and affirming."

"You're not just a weird-looking Tercel."

Your sleek lines and slanted nose make you look "futuristic." Who can resist your steep windshield, which brings the hood's angle rearward? You've got the body! Show it off sister!"

"It's okay, I don't want a car that's fun to drive, I want one I can drive with a pure conscience. I love you."

"Narrow tires help fuel economy, and that helps the planet. Make your dreams come true - focus on transformation, and express your fantasies. And I will try to steer clear of potholes."

"Your front bumper-to-roof slope - it's a shame to hide that "triangular monoform" in the garage. Don't be so self-conscious. Accept yourself. Get rid of toxic emotions. Then you will truly be ready for love. Those indentations in your roof are not there just for aerodynamics. They're there to be hugged."

"People say you're 'comfortable for short weekend trips.' Don't let it get to you. So what if you're not perfect for long drives. Channel your energy in a hobby, or get spiritual. Remember: your cloth upholstery is durable."

"Learn how much is too much by taking on more. You are roomy. But distinguish between fact and fantasy. You don't seat five. "

Your new battery pack is more powerful and cheaper to produce. But is that enough? Sometimes, not. You're often driven to Starbucks. But never... to the stars. Work to become open-minded and focused.... Make a dream come true.... deepen your roots. Find a new focus. You are the star. And your interior finish is up to standard."

"As the holidays get closer, it's easy to feel depressed. Unattractive. You are tired of being refered to as a hyper-efficient gasoline/electric motor combination. Just once you'd love to be describe as "sexy." And not as a joke. In the meantime, don't be ashamed of your interior plastics. Leather is overrated. And your seats fold down."

"Express yourself through fantasy. Get more power by imagining you have it. Up hill, especially."

"Dare to become more YOU than you have ever been. Surprise me by turning back your odometer, increasing your resale value."

"Get a new attitude! Who cannot love your red "Start" button? And when you flash that "Ready" light on the dash, we know you're all set for acceleration at a reasonable, safe speed. Repeat after me: YOU ARE NOT A SCIENCE PROJECT. You are a car. With a 50-kilowatt electric motor."

"Ignore the taunts. Shout from the mountaintops: NO, I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PLUGGED IN. Look in the mirror and say, 'Extra glass abounds! I have improved visibility!' Look at your tormentors and tell them you're not a hatchback. 'I AM A LIFTBACK!' Still, nothing is forever. Be positive. Life is exciting. REMEMBER: Control of others does not bring you safety, success or satisfaction. What I'm saying is, I am going to buy a larger, bigger car. And you're going to be the 'second' car. You should be okay with that."