FAT ALICE AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF BULLYING, PART 2

HI EVERYONE!!!!! HOW ARE YOU? I'M FINE! :)

Last week, before I went on “holiday,” I wrote about Fat Alice and the consequences of bullying. I then asked for other examples of bullying’s effects on weight loss. I received many responses, and three marriage proposals! (sorry, Gene, i'm taken and please no more nude pictures).

Here are a few:

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GREG!
I was constantly bullied in high school. So much so, that when I graduated I went to COLLEGE, then joined a very lucrative talent agency. Then, i founded my own agency! If it wasn’t for the bullying I experienced, I never would have made it this far! Secretly, though, I still continue the practices that I was originally bullied for: drowning neighbor's cats and leaving the soaked carcasses in mailboxes.

Ari, Los Angeles
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Greg,
If it wasn’t for the fact that I beat the crap out of this one kid every single day during school, we would have had millions of children struck down by polio.
That's right. I used to beat the living shit out of Jonas Salk.

Kind regards,
Bob ( a very old guy)
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Hey Greg,
I was constantly bullied about my last name. So I changed it. However, people still bully me. Is it because I'm a shameless self-promoter? I’ve written a few best sellers, in case you’re interested. also - remember George Magazine? People say it paved the way for the Daily Show. When I say "people," i mean "just me, really."

regards,
Rich

__________

If I wasn’t bullied every day, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

-Tom, fourteen, bed 12. St. Anne’s Hospital

__________

When i was a young boy, I was called CRATER-FACE by classmate Patty Krenlar for two years straight.
Did that hurt me or help me? I'll let you be the judge.

Regards,

Neil Armstrong, astronaut.

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Greg,
People have weird reasons for bullying. I do it because it gets me off. And I let the dog watch.

Love,
Bernice, age 68

PS: the lemon square recipe was fantastic.
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Last night I stayed up and watched two movies, called The Stud and The Bitch. In the Stud a handsome young man wants to own a disco in London. He meets the beautiful Fontaine Khaled, played by Joan Collins. She helps him out, but in return she demands sex.The Bitch is the sequel, and Joan gets nude in it a lot. My wife walked in and caught me masturbating. Disgusted, she threw out all my videos and boxes of adult magazines.
Please print this letter, so others don’t make the same mistake.

Regards,

Cenk

PS: please change my name to something like Fred or Eric
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I was at a concert last night and picked up two girls – a black and an Asian babe. I took them home, and banged them both.

This is not so much a story about bullying, but it's still pretty interesting if you're into banging hot babes.

And I am.

Regards,

Ari (again)

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Greg,
Talk about a living hell. when i read the paper, i cannot seem to escape the one person i bullied regularly in school. Brad Pitt. This guy has sex with one of the hottest women in the world! Meanwhile, I use an empty toilet roll crammed with a rubber glove full of moisturizer.

Yours truly,
Bob C.

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I am a young person (aged 12) who is keenly interested in taking up bullying. BUT I'm frail and uncoordinated. My dad made me a "sock rock" but it is too heavy to lift. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,
David S.

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HI, THIS IS GREG AGAIN! THANKS FOR THE RESPONSES AND THE INPUT!
Isn’t it interesting that those people who are bullied seem to achieve great things, yet those who bully languish in obscurity? You could say that the bullies are the real victims. If you are a bully, and would like to share your stories of victimhood please email me at [e-mail].

ALSO, D. Corn, about your "other" question: IF THEY BELONG TO YOU, YOU CANNOT BE ARRESTED FOR DAMAGING PRIVATE PROPERTY. So my advice: purchase them and build a small but airy hen house. A roaming chicken is a happy chicken, so build a sturdy fence. When you want to pick one up, do so with its wings closed. Place her under your right arm and press it firmly against your body, while holding its feet with your hands. if things get out of hand, or someone walks in, simply take the head in your left hand and jerk your right hand back and left handdown, twist the head to the left.

BACK WITH TALES OF MY VACATION TOMORROW!!!!! : )

GREGGIE