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LOSE WEIGHT NOW, ASK ME HOW

02/06/2006 01:16 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011


HEROIC 'REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS' FILMMAKER NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT N.O.W.!

Steven Spielberg, an Oscar nominee for "Munich," feels that Hollywood activism has increased dramatically this year. "There's a very courageous cultural surge occurring, and some of it could be political, some of it could be a response to the neo-conservatism," he says.

Spielberg, is referring to, among others, the daring release of Good Night, and Good Luck, George Clooney's film critical of Senator Joseph McCarthy's crusade against communism in the 1950's. "It's amazing that Clooney would do something like that -- and in black and white," says one Hollywood insider. "To come out against Joseph McCarthy in present day Hollywood -- you might as well do a film that's antagonistic towards the KKK, pedophiles - or worse, tobacco companies."

Or, perhaps, make a movie about abortion.

Which is exactly what Clooney or one other brave Hollywood star might be doing in 2006: directing a film that courageously portrays the plight of a woman who is heroically pro-choice. The much-heralded movie concerns a woman so firm in her belief that her unborn baby is not a living creature, that she decides to pimp it out as a fetal prostitute.

It's Hollywood doing what Hollywood does best: taking risks.

Most movies inspired by the story of a pioneering female activist are named after the heroine - such as Norma Rae, Silkwood, Erin Brockovich and of course, Monster. This film is no different, as it is called "Rae Brockenwood," named after the character in the film whose name is also Rae Brockenwood. This is no coincidence.

"It's a lot like Silkwood," say one insider, "but far more relevant, considering that we are moments away from sadistic jurisprudential monster Sam Alito being confirmed." If that happens, most activists believe that personal and economic empowerment for women will be the first bloody casualty - which is why making this movie is so important. In it, Rae will battle against all odds, take on the "man," the role of patriarchy, as well as anti-choice, high-level corporate Halliburton fatcats bent on destroying her and the tropical rainforest.

As well as the temperate rainforest.

Does she win?

THE PLACENTA THICKENS

Since Hurrikkkane Katrina, Rae has been a victim of capitalism's excess and has not worked a day since - a testament to Bu$h's destructive incompetence, considering Rae has been living in Michigan the last four years. As a consequence she has been sleeping around, caused by "hurricane induced sexual dysfunction disorder," HISDD, and now is pregnant. The man who impregnated her took advantage of her in her condition, and is guilty of sexual harassment and, really, rape. She would go after him, but he is a white Republican senator and has threatened to destroy her grandfather's business - a counseling center for female victims of gun violence.

Since Rae has been on disability for quite a while because of carpel tunnel syndrome, she is housebound with no real income. With no choice, and a mass of cells growing inside her, she does what any working class heroine might do: she starts a Fetal Brothel.

Like all progressive heroines, Rae adheres to the absolute "right of privacy," and realizes that if she can 'terminate' a fetus, then why can't she prostitute a fetus to a very particular clientele - the Gary Glitter crowd, if you will. If prospective clients are willing to pay top dollar to travel to Thailand and risk arrest in order to have sex with underaged partners, they'd more than likely pay her an even greater sum to have sexual relations with a fetus stateside, especially when Roe v. Wade makes this act completely legal.

Sadly, the rest of the repressed world doesn't agree: fetal prostitution disgusts them. But Rae remains strong: she refuses to let white men tell her what she can do with her body. And she pays dearly for it.

"In an age when choice is a four-letter word, one woman chooses to fight...against those who make choice a four-letter word."

That's the movie tagline.

Unfazed by intolerance and hate, Rae builds her business by taking courses online and making signs that list the sexual services provided. She offers everything from straight missionary ($100) to bagpiping ($230). She is assisted by her hilariously camp neighbor, Pinball - a single middle-aged gay man whose compassionate parents were blacklisted in the 1950's. Despite being a thalidomide baby, Pinball never misses an opportunity to make a joke, often at the expense of his own disability. He calls himself Pinball, because of his "superior flippers." He is happy to be alive.

Rae has a permanent caesarian opening created in her stomach, and her new boyfriend, Kyle, acts as in-house medical personnel - to suture the wound in between working hours. She met anarchist Kyle at a anti-WTO march - they bonded while "occupying" a portable toilet. Since he qualified for medical disability payments - Rae realized that he must know the human body to get through that kind of paperwork. By supporting Rae's right to choose so much that he is willing to let strange men be with her fetus, Kyle shows that he is a true man.

But he's also a softie at heart: he worries about zoning laws and refuses to kill spiders.

As Rae's business expands, the couple starts selling ultrasounds of the act as keepsakes for the customers. Like those pictures taken at the top of the log ride at Knott's Berry Farm, these snapshots give the customer memories to last a life-time. The fetus, however, won't have any memories of the act, since Rae will be terminating it after they've made enough money to open a halfway house for androgynous teens victimized by hate crimes.

Tragically, they never realize their dream - as they are murdered by a physically and mentally scarred veteran returning from Iraq, where he had fought in a sham of a war built on a catacomb of lies buried in a cave of deceit surrounded by rocks of malfeasance.

Cagney Spacek, the screenwriter, scoffs at anyone who might feel any revulsion about fetal prostitution. "If it bothers you, then it's gut-level proof you really don't think a fetus is not a baby when it counts. And that makes you a hateful, narrow-minded person who would probably bomb an abortion clinic."

Actors and actresses are already lining up to play the parts. Rumored to play Rae include Charlize Theron. The great Billy Zane has been actively campaigning to play her boyfriend Kyle. But the ideal pairing for the heroic lovers, says Spacek, would be Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. "As real life brother and sister, they will really add a refreshing sensitivity to their explicit sex scenes. And if the thought of brother and sister having sex bothers you, well, that's your problem. Get over it!"

Amazingly, the movie hasn't been made, but already it's causing quite a buzz:

"Not since Cider House Rules have I cheered so loud reading a script!'
Gloria Steinem

'I'd un-die to see this empowering masterpiece!'
Andrea Dworkin

"I'll second that one, sister!"
Betty Friedan

'I only regret I didn't have a mother as empowered as Rae."
Phil Donahue

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