NY Times Is Stupider than Me, I think! ; )

Saturday was a really exciting day for me! My friend Denis called and said, "Greg, did you read the New York Times today?" And I said no! I can't read. I went to a private school (the same one as Bill Keller!), and everyone knows the quality of education there is vastly exaggerated.

"That's my point Greg - that's exactly what today's NY Times headline says: "'Public Schools Perform Near Private Ones in Study.'"

At first when I heard "perform near," I thought Denis meant something else! Like maybe the public school kids were performing near the private schools, perhaps earning money as living statues and jugglers, since that's about all they're qualified to do, sadly.

But then I read the Times story, and read the study, and realized that as stupid as I am, the New York Times is even stupider! I was going to post an item about it on Saturday but who would be so lonely to read the huffpo on a Saturday? Aside from, you know, Al Franken?

The Times report says "Children in public schools generally performed as well or better in reading and mathematics than comparable children in private schools."

The actual study says, "In..both reading and mathematics, students in private schools achieved at
higher levels than students in public schools."

The only point at which parity is reached is in comparing poor children in public schools with poor children in private schools. Which is hilarious because thanks to the Times's hatred of school choice, there are no poor kids in private schools. Instead, most of those unfortunates are hopelessly hooked on crystal meth, and probably not the good, inexpensive kind.

So either the Times tainted their view of the report to gain the desired outcome, or the paper's reporter and her editors all went to public schools. The former is far, far more likely than the latter, of course.

As it happens, I was told that Pinch Sulzberger's family's school of choice is Fieldston, a K-12 operation. Annual tuition: Just under $30,000 a year -- a lot for what the Times claims is generally an inferior education.

What could Pinch have done with all that money? I did some research at the library, which luckily has
internet access, a great magazine rack and a spacious handicapped toilet where I could leave my phone number.

1. According to Save the Children, "Although the majority of people living with HIV are adults,
HIV-positive children represent a disproportionate number of those needing immediate treatment. More than 90 percent of children with HIV live in sub-Saharan Africa. These children also have the least access to any treatment...As of June 2005, an estimated 4 million children were in need of cotrimoxazole, a
readily available antibiotic costing only $.03 per day per child. Cotrimoxazole prevents life-threatening
infections in HIV infected children and infants born to HIV-positive mothers whose status might be unknown. It can also delay the onset of AIDS and the need for anti-retroviral therapy."

2. According to the Mote Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida: "A sick dolphin often is under
24-hour daily care for three to six months, costing up to $1,000 per day, or more. The Dolphin and Whale Hospital relies heavily on public donations to continue its efforts to save dolphins. There are no
governmental funds available and very few grants exist to help these animals."

3. According to Walgreen's, "Saline Laxative for the relief of occasional constipation. Latex free.
Protective shield prevents contamination. Comfortable, lubricated tip for ease of insertion. One-way safety valve controls flow and prevents reflux. Easy, soft squeeze bottle. $.99."

.4. According to my ex-roommate Scott, who happens to be a flight attendant, I could purchase roughly 300 authentic Wonder Woman Barbie Dolls from Ebay, none of which have ever been removed from their boxes. Ideally I need that many to fully satisfy my fantasy of creating a "Wonder Woman Bedroom Army," so in a way I completely support the way the New York Times misreports facts for their political purposes.