THE BLOG
09/05/2013 06:42 pm ET Updated Nov 05, 2013

Bartender, Pour Me a Glass of Infidelity

My wife was in the midst of pouring a bottle of Guinness Stout down the drain when I entered the kitchen. A second, empty bottle was in the garbage.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"Are you cheating on me?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Guinness Stout is the beer most preferred by men looking to cheat on their spouses. It's all right here in this survey," she said, thrusting her iPad toward me. "Go ahead, read it!"

"I will if you step away from the sink. And ... put ... the ... bottle ... opener ... down."

She complied, giving me time to scroll through IllicitEncounters.com, a U.K.-based dating site for people "looking for a little romance outside their current relationship. Whether that's the occasional bit of flirtatious chat, a regular coffee date or a full-blown affair, that's up to them."

Remember the days when there was no Internet?

The fine, upstanding folks at Illicit Encounters surveyed the site's male members and found that Guinness Stout was their most preferred brew. Corona Extra came in second, followed by Italian beer Peroni Nastro Azzurro, Filipino libation San Miguel and, rounding out the top five, good old, made-in-the-U.S.A. Budweiser. Considering over 101 million cases of Budweiser were sold domestically in 2012, a lot of American men have some explaining to do.

"Honey, I would never cheat on you," I reassured her.

"Then what's with the 12 pack in the fridge?"

"You mean the 10 pack, right? Two are in the disposal. How did you end up on this site anyway?"

"I googled 'Morton's.' The steakhouse? I was hoping we could go there for dinner some time."

"I love that idea. But what does Morton's The Steakhouse have to do with infidelity?"

"It's the most popular American restaurant for people looking to cheat."

"Let me guess," I said. "IllicitEncounters again?"

"No. AshleyMadison.com. It's another site for unfaithful people, or those who want to be. They surveyed their members' favorite restaurants."

"Is McDonald's on the list?"

"No."

"Can I interest you in a Big Mac tonight instead of a steak?"

"Why is everything a joke to you?" she said. "You've never liked Guinness before and all of a sudden, there it is, right next to the kids' juice boxes. What was I supposed to think?"

"You're supposed to think that it was on sale at the liquor store. Which it was," I said. "And when we went to London, I drank Guinness with every meal. Wait, don't tell me. London is the most popular travel destination for cheaters?"

"Nope. Ashley Madison says its Vegas," she said.

"Aha!" I exclaimed. "You go to Vegas twice a year with your 'girlfriends.' Are you cheating on me?"

"Now you're just being ridiculous," she said.

"I'm not the one pouring beer down the sink."

"Okay maybe I overreacted," she said. "But the next time you bring home some foreign food or beverage item, maybe you could explain yourself before I jump to conclusions."

"I will do that only if you stop perusing all these weird dating sites."

"Don't knock dating sites," she said. "You know some of our best friends met online. Speaking of friends, Kristy and Tom are coming over for dinner tonight. "

"I was wondering who just pulled into the driveway," I said.

"Wait a minute," she replied, glancing out the front window. "Is that an Audi?"

"Yeah. Tom told me he just picked it up yesterday."

"I never would have believed it," my wife said, eyeing Tom warily as he approached the house.

"Huh?"

"Audi is the number one preferred car of cheaters according to Illicit Encounters!"

Tom and his wife stepped inside.

"How about a beer, buddy?" he said to me.

"Help yourself," I said. "There's plenty in the sink."

COPYRIGHT © 2013 GREG SCHWEM DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT SERVICES, INC

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.