Easter Bunny, I Have a Few Special Requests

03/31/2015 08:56 am ET | Updated May 31, 2015

I figure it's been about 40 years since the Easter Bunny hopped through my house with a basket addressed to me. Like Santa Claus, the floppy-eared mammal tends to focus on the 12-and-under set.

But I have a message for this holiday creature, who delivers candy-filled eggs and gifts to my children each year while somehow avoiding the motion detectors in my house that, if tripped, will draw the immediate attention of local law enforcement authorities. At least, that's what the home security salesperson told me. Thankfully, the system has yet to be activated so I'll have to take him at his word.

I want a basket, too.

That's right, Bunny, Rabbit, Sylvilagus (your scientific name) or whatever moniker you answer to. It's been an especially difficult winter for me -- six subzero temperature days, unexpected eye surgery and the realization that, in four months, I will begin paying college tuition for my first born. Let's hope the numerous offspring you sire (I'm assuming you're male since I've often heard you called "Peter") don't decide to seek higher education. So, on the morning I arise to celebrate the religious significance of the day, I'd like a few delicious morsels, too. But I've also read enough foodie websites to realize there is some ingredient in every Easter delicacy that will hasten my death unless I seek healthy alternatives. Got that carrot-shaped pen ready? Here goes.

My last cholesterol test came in on the high side, so hard boiled eggs are out. I Googled "egg substitutes" and discovered flaxseed meal and silken tofu make terrific substitutes for those wishing to go egg-free. So leave a box of each in that Easter grass. And make sure the grass is recyclable.

Can we talk chocolate? I love it! Check that, I love it as long as it's free of high fructose corn syrup, a primary cause of obesity. Of course, another cause of obesity is sitting around your house stuffing your face with candy while the Easter ham cooks in the oven, but let's not blame ourselves for our weaknesses. Instead, make sure my candy is void of chemically refined sugars, genetically modified organisms, growth hormone and partially hydrogenated oils. Got that?

Now about those shiny jelly beans. You know why they're shiny, right? It's something you probably whisper about in the burrow. They're coated with shellac, the same stuff that's used to finish wood. If I wanted shellac in my system, I'd skip the candy and just start gnawing on my stairway bannister. Worse, the shellac comes from some bug in Thailand. So everybody who consumes ordinary jelly beans is basically eating insects. And a bowling alley. I demand that my jelly beans be organic. And black.

Let's talk about marshmallow Peeps. I'm not even going to bother researching those Easter basket staples. Face it, any food item that returns to its original shape after you crush it in your hand must contain something harmful. That's why nobody eats Silly Putty. And no canary yellow-colored food item can be healthy. I did stumble across one of those mommy blogger websites that explained how to make vegan Peeps. Bunny, do you own any agar powder?

Finally, don't hide my basket.

My memory is starting to fail me, so I most likely won't remember where I've looked. The basket-locating process needs to be quick, as I don't feel like sitting in the very first pew at church -- the one we all know is reserved for latecomers on Easter Sunday and tardy, slightly inebriated parishioners on Christmas Eve. Furthermore, the eyes haven't quite returned to normal so I may blindly walk right past whatever you leave.

On that note, how about sharing a few of your favorite treats with me? My vision will certainly benefit from the vitamin A found in carrots,

Even if they are loaded with pesticides. Happy Easter.