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If It's March, Eat, Sing and Be Crafty

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It's nearly four months overdue but I wish to apologize to all my friends, associates, business acquaintances and President Obama for what can only be considered a total lack of oversight on my part.

I was not aware that November was National Critical Infrastructure Security and Resilience Month.

How could I have been so stupid? Obama even reminded the country of this glorious event via a PRESIDENTIAL PROCLAMATION. On official White House stationary! I stumbled across the document while reading an article about ongoing cyber security threats.

"NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2013 as Critical Infrastructure Security and Resilience Month. I call upon the people of the United States to recognize the importance of protecting our Nation's resources and to observe this month with appropriate events and training to enhance our national security and resilience."

And I did nothing. No party. No critical infrastructure greeting cards. And certainly no training. Sorry, Mr. President.

Maybe I was preoccupied trying to grow a beard, seeing that November is the month guys are supposed to forego razors in support of men's health. My sorry attempt at whiskers also made me neglect National Entrepreneurship Month, Diabetes month, Adoption month, Native American Heritage month and Family Caregivers month, all of which dot the November calendar. These events also came with presidential proclamations, leading me to wonder if November should be proclaimed National "Make Presidential Proclamations about Stuff" month.

But a quick Google search reveals that every calendar month is loaded with observances that should occur daily. Do we really need to wait until November to adopt a needy child? And if we are just looking at one month to be diligent about infrastructure security, I propose moving it to December. All Target credit card customers, raise your hands if you agree.

I have no idea who's in charge of divvying up the calendar so every worthy cause, ethnic group and delicious treat is equally recognized. July, incidentally, is National Ice Cream month. But as an American citizen I vow to no longer be so blindingly unaware of what is happening in my country on a monthly basis. On the first of every month I will make our president proud by sitting at my PC, Googling "(Name of month) is national..." and letting the search giant complete the sentence for me.

Had I done this in January, I would have realized it was National Mentoring, Stalking Awareness, and Soup Month. If memory serves, I think I made some chicken broth one evening after clearing a mountain of snow from my driveway. Does that count or is there another month devoted exclusively to bouillon?

February, alas, is nearly complete so it's a bit late to observe National Children's Dental Health month. Next year I will comply simply by intercepting all Valentine's Day candy my kids receive.

But I have a jump on March, also known as National Nutrition, Workplace Eye Wellness, Irish-American Heritage, Music In Our Schools, and Craft month. These celebrations will not be easy, as I have a hefty travel schedule and will thus be spending a good deal of March on airplanes. I may have to combine my observances. But I should be able to allocate at least one day to stroll into my daughter's school, plucking an Irish fiddle while slurping a nutritional Irish stew. I will stop at the school office and distribute eye charts to all the workers, along with instructions for crafting a set of bifocals using ordinary household items. Finally, I will snap photos of the occasion and post them to all my social media accounts, a subtle reminder to President Obama that I'm doing my part.

My only concern is that one of my accounts may get hacked and I will be powerless to do anything about it. After all, National Critical Infrastructure Security and Resilience Month is eight months away.

COPYRIGHT © 2014 GREG SCHWEM DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT SERVICES, INC