Sometimes holiday gift ideas hit you at the strangest moments; in my case, it was during the recently televised American Music Awards.
There I was in my recliner, half-watching the show with my family, one finger anxiously hovering over the remote's mute button in anticipation of Miley Cyrus' appearance. I was also reading updates on the award nominees, when another finger tapped an article on Lady Gaga's recent wardrobe choices.
As I scrolled through the photos, I knew finding the perfect gift for my wife was going to be simple, provided I could connect with the pop queen's clothing designers and negotiate some decent prices. See, I have always enjoyed picking out clothes for my better half, a task many men prefer to tackle by way of a gift card or by pointing to a store mannequin and saying: "I'll take what she's got on."
Occasionally I'm rewarded for my efforts when I see my bride actually wearing the items I've chosen. Other times I know I've failed. Not known for her poker face, she will open the box, remove the tissue, pause and say: "Oh, this is (long pause) nice. Where did you find it?"
Translation: "Where's the gift receipt?"
But a Lady Gaga original? Who wouldn't want that under the tree? Mind you, I can't choose from just any of Gaga's outfits. The infamous meat dress she wore to the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards is out, simply because I like to shop early. Made exclusively from cuts of flank steak, I fear the smell would ruin the surprise. Too bad, because I know my gal would look dynamite in marble red.
But I have hundreds of other creations to choose from, all nicely displayed and inventoried in the Gaga FashionLand Tumblr blog. Let's start with some undergarments. Somebody please get Belgian designer Olivier Theyskens on the line, for it was he who created the bone bustier Gaga wore in her "Applause" music video. The flesh-colored teddy features a myriad of prosthetic bones protruding from the neckline and, I feel, would make excellent nighttime attire, on condition that my wife not roll over in bed.
Okay, now we need an outfit for parent-teacher conferences, something that subtly says: "I'm a mom not to be messed with." Bob Recine, can I order that headdress you recently made for Gaga? The one made entirely of match sticks? If you can get it to me by December 24, I promise to keep my wife away from open flames.
Wait, quick question: Will a cornucopia of thin, wooden fire starters on her noggin clash with the bubble dress Gaga wore on the cover of Rolling Stone back in 2009? That's probably a question for Michael Schmidt, who somehow, some way, stitched together a bunch of plastic suds and affixed them to the pop star's body. I think my wife will look smashing in this. However, in case she finds it hard to maneuver when sitting across from my kids' homeroom teachers, I had better spring for the short, white frock Gaga wore following her iTunes festival performance in London this Fall. Nothing special about that outfit, other than the fact that it emits real bubbles as its owner walks, due to some strategically placed tubing. Either way, my wife will look positively bubble-liscious!
Finally, she needs some evening attire. This will be easy. Like many women, punctuality is not her strong suit, hence my plan to purchase the flying dress Gaga wore during her recent ARTPOP album launch. Complete with two electric motors and carbon fiber propeller blades, the outfit would allow her to spend a few extra minutes in the bathroom, and then wing her way to the youth soccer fundraiser, happily meeting me in the parking lot. Gift wrapping is out of the question, but I'm sure I could stash it in the garage until Christmas morning.
So Gaga garb creators, please text me and let me know if you do layaway and alterations. My credit card and I anxiously await.
One final question: What's your return policy?