I'm a praise junkie. I really, really need those gold stars. I know I've got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is "Don't expect praise or appreciation." I think about that resolution every day. But boy, it's hard to keep.
For example, we just went through a major household project - and I mean MAJOR - that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn't muster it.
As I've done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn't.
I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise, not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I've done a job well and not depend on someone else's opinion.
I'm sure that one reason that I went to law school was because it was clear to me what I would need to do to win praise. I wrote my papers, I got my note published, I became editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. These were big gold stars, and they were precious to me.
So I give myself an enormous gold star for putting those law-related gold stars aside to start over again as a writer. I love my work, and that's hugely satisfying. But I still crave praise - and because the closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won't give it to me. Which he doesn't. Yes, I know that's not his job, and that I shouldn't depend on him for it. Like I said, I'm working on not needing it.
Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn't feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships -- friendship, work, romance, family. It's nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise -- even people more mature than I.
1. Be specific. You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it's specific than when it's general. "What a beautiful painting!" is less gratifying than "Look at all the colors you've used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You've really made your picture look like a spring garden!" This is true, for adults, too. "Great job," is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.
2. Acknowledge the actor. The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he's talking about. For example, with this household project, he looked around once and remarked, "This really turned out well." As if some deus ex machina had wrought these changes overnight. Aaargh.
3. The effusiveness and time spent in giving praise should be commensurate with the difficulty and time-intensiveness of the task. If a task was quick and easy, a hasty "Looks great!" will do; if a task was protracted and difficult, the praise should be more lengthy and descriptive. Also, you might bring up the praise more than once.
4. Remember the negativity bias. The "negativity bias" is a well-recognized psychological phenomenon: people react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example, within marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act. So if you want to praise someone, remember that one critical comment will wipe out several positive comments, and will be far more memorable. To stay silent, and then remark something like, "It's too bad that that door couldn't be fixed," will be perceived as highly critical.
5. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it's easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well every day without any recognition? It never hurts to point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, "You know what? In three years, I don't think you've ever been even an hour late with the weekly report." After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.
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What a perfect example of the difference between knowledge and wisdom.
Knowledge is when we KNOW...we know we SHOULD do this and SHOULD NOT do that.
And (to quote the sage Stuart Smalley) we keep shoulding on ourselves, and making ourselves eternally miserable because of that voice of the critical inner parent.
Wisdom, on the other hand, is when we just do it (to borrow from Nike). We do this, and we don't do that - because it makes us happier, more content, more integral.
Even though you like to write, you're really not ready to teach - because you haven't had that alchemical transformation of knowledge into wisdom. My suggestion is that you stop (for now), because behind every one of your many "happiness project" posts is this insatiable craving - this "addiction" as you put it - for yet another gold star.
Find a hobby or a lifestyle that doesn't involve getting gold stars from other people. Go through the cold turkey. Learn to be content getting NOTHING from anyone but yourself.
Then come back, and share wisdom with the rest of us, otay?
Luckily, I'm the type of person who recognizes MYSELF for a job well done. When you finished your dreaded household task and knew that even though you hated doing it you'd done a great job, maybe you should have given yourself a few gold stars. Reward yourself, tell "the big man" why you're rewarding yourself and praise him for the work he did. That way, you don't have to depend on others to feed your praise addiction.
With that said, I'd submit that grooming ourselves and others so that external praise is essential to well-being is, well, pretty fucked up. Setting your own goals and learning to appreciate yourself is part of being an adult; it's not called *self* esteem for nothing.
Furthermore, it has been my experience that depending on external validation, and shaping my life in ways where goals and parameters are externally set (as the author did with law school), is completely antithetical to creativity. By definition creativity requires transgressing the lines drawn by convention, which in turn requires taking the risk that no external validation will result.
Our society doesn't need more validation-addicted followers; it needs creative leadership. Positive feedback is an essential part of fostering creativity. But we must break out of the "you followed directions well, so you get a gold star" model.
I think Gretchen has throw off the yoke of conventional lines and is risking criticism by the act of writing this blog.
Respectfully,
TMGGY
It's bad enough that you'll nitpick someone for not praising you...and then you want them to follow praising rules? Beggars can't be choosers. It'd be all well and good if we could all become a little kinder and gentler but at a certain point, take the praise you get or shut the hell up about it.
I am a teacher and I am dismayed to hear parents praise every tiny thing a child does. At some point it becomes ridiculous. A person who is judicious with their praise and specific as you say, will have much more meaningful effect, than a person who is constantly chanting "good job honey!"
Case in point: last semester I had a parent threaten to ask that I be fired from my teaching post because her son failed my Biology class. The only day he showed up for class was to take his final, which he failed....miserably. She told my dean that I was being "punitively unfair" by testing her son and that I "ruined his chances of becoming a physician" and that my course was 'unnecessary' (It's a BIOLOGY class!)
I agree that praise is appropriate when it's due, but giving kudos for simply doing the bare minimum will inevitably create disasterous outcomes for everyone later.
If the teasing is semi-sadistic, or if the teaser can't take some back after dishing some out, then there is a huge problem. Take a look at just about any unsuccessful marriage for evidence on that front.
Take a minute to talk to your "victims," and confess that you feel bad about the teasing. Chances are, most of them won't even be thinking about it. Let them know that you're open to receiving as well as giving. However, do be conscious of what you say and how you say it... it will help avoid negative situations, and make the "constructive teasing" more enjoyable by all parties. And do shell out some praise whenever the situation merits.