8 Tips For Dealing With Criticism

I have a very hard time being criticized, corrected, or accused - even of the smallest mistakes - and I react very angrily. I've wrestled this instinct under control in a professional context, more or less, but I have more trouble with it at home. All it takes is for the Big Girl to say something like, "You forgot to remind me to bring my library book," to send me into a tirade. "What do you mean...it's not my responsibility...I didn't know Wednesday was Library Day..." etc., etc.

More and more, I see the connection between perfectionism, control, and anger. Zoikes, how I try to be more mild-mannered and easy-going! Here are some of the strategies that I try to use to accept criticism. If I manage to use them, they never fail me, but it can be hard to have the mindfulness needed to apply them.

1. Listen to what a critic is saying. Really listen, try to understand that point of view, don't just nod while you formulate your retorts.

2. Don't be defensive. This is the toughest step for me. With my writing, for example, I always have to take a deep breath before reading an edit letter or meeting with an editor, to remind myself, "I welcome criticism. This person is helping me. I'm eager to hear how to improve my book/article/post." Act the way you want to feel! That's my Third Commandment. Along the same lines...

3. Don't fire back by criticizing your critic. Your comments will just sound defensive, and you'll escalate the exchange. This urge is very difficult to resist, because the impulse to justify and attack is strong when you feel criticized, but it just isn't helpful, and it certainly isn't effective.

4. Delay your reaction. Count to ten, take a deep breath, sleep on it, wait until the next day to send that email...any kind of delay is good. A friend told me that she has a rule for herself: when she's upset about something that happened at her children's school, she won't let herself do anything about it for three days - and usually she decides that no action is better than action.

5. Explain honestly the reason for your actions. Sometimes it's tempting to re-characterize your actual feelings and motives. Usually, though, that just complicates things more. It becomes impossible to have an honest exchange.

6. Admit your mistakes. This is extremely effective and disarming. When I got my first job, my father told me, "If you take the blame, you'll get the responsibility." I've found that to be very true. Difficult, but true. Admitting mistakes is the first step, then...

7. Explain what you've learned. If you can show a critic that you've learned something, you prove that you've understood the criticism and tried to act on it. That, itself, usually mollifies critics.

8. Enjoy the fun of failure. Re-frame the issue entirely to embrace criticism. Fact is, trying new things and aiming high opens you to criticism. I tell myself to Enjoy the fun of failure to try to re-frame failure and criticism as part of the fun. Otherwise, my dread of criticism can paralyze me.

What am I overlooking? Have you found any other strategies that work for you?

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[onelovecandy]

First of all, it depends on who is doing the criticizing. If it's someone of a personal nature, it helps to realize that everyone is entitiled to the way they feel, whether you agree with them or not. Also just because they say something about you, doesn't make it true.

If its business in nature then, I always try to remind myself that my reaction can affect the outcome. I am quick to apologize right or wrong and ask for suggestions. In this case also I feel my collegues are due their opinions. If I feel myself reacting in a negative way, then I know I am taking it personally, which is never the way to go.

Its never easy controlling our emotions, but taking opinions, in essense 'words' less personally, makes life far earier to deal with.

[ouroborous]

I think that your point #2 is invaluable.

As an aspiring writer, I find that criticism of any of my writing -- even my off-the-cuff remarks on posts here on HuffPo -- is offputting. Sometimes I'll spend a great deal of time researching or thinking about something, polishing the writing, and then the first response I'll get is that what I've said is "retarted" (sic) -- usually because the person responding simply disagrees with what I've said, but lacks the maturity or sophistication to come up with a counter-argument.

Reacting to this situation with equanimity is hard indeed, but invaluable. Through weathering this sort of abuse -- along with some honest criticism -- I've come to understand my own strengths and weaknesses as a writer (which is truly priceless knowledge), as well as developing a slightly thicker skin in response to the true morons out there who simply react with knee-jerk insults to anything they don't like (which is also priceless, if you ever write anything on the Internet!)

All in all, a set of useful advice.

[cayuse]

These are great ideas. I try to practice them constanlty, but have the same instincts so It takes work

What complicates my situation is I am a project manager and an outsourced employee

Project Manager - a temporary manger with no authority or power in an organization, who manages a project for the life of that project only. I try to establish my authority for the project and the organizations support to chain of command and escalation, early and in writing as part of the project statement and Charter.

Outsource employee - Temporary employee who has no employee rights, hired only for the period of the contract.

My greatest obstacles are other Contractors who are looking for or protecting their dream job and employees waiting to retire who participate at their design.

This political situation requires far too much of my energy that should only be value added to the project and the organization I work for. SUGGESTIONS?

[desertdweller]

No one takes criticism well. However, if you are being criticized, particularly by your superior, request that he/she put it in writing. My guess is that the written version will be toned down some. I do not mind being criticized when it is deserved and it is done in private. I will not tolerate careless public criticism and have, on numerous occasions, gotten in the face of the critic for doing just that (but I did it in a private setting).

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Gretchen,

Your list is very comprehensive. Thank you for sharing it! What I might add is something to build the core of your own self-value such that criticism cannot reach your centre and therefore throw you off balance,

Were you to deepen the relationship with yourself, your own goodness, then you could be more objective when criticism comes your way, and evaluate it as being useful to you, or not. Criticism is really just feedback and may be very valuable in assisting you to get where you want to go!

You impress me as being someone who is highly active and productive in your life, which is tremendous. Could you, I wonder, spend a little more time nurturing yourself?

With love,
Anne