9 Tips For Giving Memorable Praise--And Why To Bother

I just finished a very engaging book, Richard Stengel's You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery. I wish I'd had this book as a resource when I was writing my first book, Power Money Fame Sex. It's a treasure trove of anecdotes and observations about flattery - a topic which comes up with some frequency when you're writing about money, power, fame, and sex.

The book is history and social criticism, but at the end, Stengel includes a list called "How to flatter without getting caught."

To put flattery in a happier context, I adapted his list to focus on giving good praise rather than flattery. Now, what's the difference between flattery and praise? Flattery is strategic; it's praise given for a self-serving reason. But many of the same rules apply:

1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn't make much of an impression.

2. Find a way to praise sincerely. It's a rare situation where you can't identify something that you honestly find praiseworthy.

3. Never offer praise and ask for a favor in the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a set-up.

4. Don't over-praise. Keep it credible and realistic.

5. Look for something less obvious to praise - a more obscure accomplishment or quality that a person hasn't heard praised many times before.

6. Don't hesitate to praise people who get a lot of praise already. I've noticed this myself; even people who get constant praise - or perhaps especially people who get constant praise - crave praise. Is this because praiseworthy people are often insecure? Or does getting praise lead to a need for more praise? I'm not sure, but it seems often to be the case.

7. Praise people behind their backs. The praised person usually hears about the praise, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise.

8. Beware when a person asks for your honest opinion. This is often a clue that they're seeking reassurance, not candor.

9. Don't damn with faint praise. "You were so lousy when you started, you've really come a long way" or "You did a much better job than I expected" is not praise that will warm people's hearts.

Because the way we feel is very much influenced by the way we act, by acting in a way that shows appreciation, discernment, and thoughtfulness, we make ourselves feel more appreciative, discerning, and thoughtful. And that boosts happiness.

Have you thought of any other good ways for giving people praise? As my mother once wisely pointed out to me, "Most people probably don't get the appreciation they deserve." Very true, and therefore...

...if you're grappling with the opposite problem -- of not getting enough praise yourself -- check out these Five tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated. I'm a praise junkie, myself, so have tried all these strategies. With mixed success.

* Non sequitur: Today is July 8, 2009. At six seconds after 4:05 a.m. this morning, the time was 04:05:06 07-08-09. Shoot, I slept right through it.

* Lots of great discussion on the Facebook Page. Check it out!

Comments

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[tapeatsbill]

Everyone wears a sign around there neck. The message is the same. "I want to feel good."

A recent study tells us that 87% of all the messages in the media are negative.

Dr Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at UNC believes that we need a ratio or 3 portions of positive news or praise for every piece of negative.

Why not flourish and give praise everyday.

Celebrate life everyday.

[stefanpinto]

Loved this article. In general, many people simply do not know what to say; a handicap we often only associate when having to comfort someone who is facing a tremendous loss or some other dreadful situation. It is always admirable to see the raw joy close friends often display when they see one another; they compliment their recent accomplishments or even a new hairstyle. Perhaps this comes from a place of simply feeling secure with oneself?

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

great post.
I just wrote about how hard it is to ask for help, and the challenge of receiving support or praise. I think the more authentically it is given, the easier it is to receive.

taking time to make a moment memorable is always worth it.

Great job
"PRAISE PRAISE!!" You do have your finger on the pulse my dear!
Kari

[kellypdx]

llisa, dont forget "...you've got such a pretty face..."

i'm a huge praiser too. i work at a family-owned business (i'm not technically family) and the things they have said to each other over the years have been shocking to me!!! i come from a family that believes in praising and when i first started here my co-workers would sometimes literally stop and look at me with jaws dropped, they were actually shocked that i was saying something nice. some people thought i had an ulterior motive, and i was even "jokingly" called a brown-noser.

well, it took a while, but i am happy to say that for years now we all say nice things to each other all the time. and, if i can praise myself, it was b/c i trained them. i figured if they could say those kinds of things to me, i could say it to them too, so i would just point-blank say things like, "see, it's NOT hard----and doesnt it feel good to say and hear something nice...."??

i'm kind of a dork about it too, i've sent letters to utilitites when customer service people have been nice, i fill out comment cards, or speak to managers, etc...

i also tip really well, which i think is another form of praise.

[llisa]

11. Praise to employers. I'm sure we have all reported bad service, rudeness, or incompetence to a manager or owner. Let's be sure to offer praise when it is due. And not just to the person who deserves it, but to his/her employer. Formally. In writing. By name.

[MerhabaAbi]

Hi Gretchin,

My oldest son tells me I over-praise. Direct violation of #4 dammit! I don't think so. I think most people under-praise. If I see something that I find myself wanting to acknowledge with a compliment, I will. I like the smile people get when they know that someone else noticed.

Bye
little brother.

[Mike Vardy]

In the true spirit of this article, allow me to praise you and it.

[llisa]

10. Don't fake-praise. Do not say to a fat person, "You've lost weight, haven't you?" when it is obvious he hasn't.

I don't know how many people have told me this. And I don't know why people are so obsessed with the weight of others. There are many positive thing I do. Losing weight is not among them.