A New Year's Resolution: 4 Tips for Writing Your Personal Commandments

I'm doing a happiness project, and you could have one, too. Join in! Start your own! January 1 is a great time to try something new, to turn over a new leaf. Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year's resolutions, and certainly I always do.

In starting your happiness project, you might begin by writing your personal Commandments. I've posted about this before, but because this exercise was one of the most challenging -- and most helpful and fun - tasks that I did in preparation for my happiness project, I'm posting about it again. It's really worth doing.

Here are my Twelve Commandments:

1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out.
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

So how do you come up with your own list?

First: Listen to what's buzzing in your brain.
When I look at my Twelve Commandments, I realize that five of them are actually quotations from other people. My father repeatedly reminds me to "Enjoy the process." A respected boss told me to "Be polite and be fair." A good friend told me that she'd decided that "There is only love" in her heart for a difficult person. "No calculation" is a paraphrase of St. Therese ("When one loves, one does not calculate"), and "Act the way I want to feel" is a paraphrase of William James.

These phrases kept echoing in my head, so they made good commandments.

Second: Follow the metaphor.
When I was working on my biography of Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I was repeatedly struck by the literary quality of his life - how rich it was in symbols, foreshadowing, motifs, all the elements of the novel.

I came to believe that this was true of my life, too, I just wasn't paying attention. As Keats wrote, "A Man's life of any worth is a continual allegory - and very few eyes can see the Mystery of his life...a life like the scriptures, figurative."

So you might find that your commandments would be better expressed through metaphor. Consider Howell Raines' commandments, from Fly Fishing Through the Midlife Crisis:

"Rule One: Always be careful about where you fish and what you fish for and whom you fish with.
Rule Two: Be even more careful about what you take home and what you throw back.
Rule Three: The point of all fishing is to become ready to fly fish.
Rule Four: The point of fly fishing is to become reverent in the presence of art and nature.
Rule Five: The Redneck Way and Blalock's Way run along the same rivers, but they do not come out at the same place."

Third: Aim high and fight the urge to be too comprehensive.
I've found that my commandments help me most when I review them at least daily, to keep them fresh in my mind, and to do this, it helps to keep the list short and snappy. I suspect that Twelve Commandments is too much. Maybe I only need two, "Be Gretchen" and "There is only love."

After all, Jesus got down to two commandments. When asked, "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?" Jesus answered, "Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." Matthew 22:36-40.

Fourth: Think about what's true for YOU.
Each person's list will differ. One person resolves to "Say yes," another person resolves to "Say no." You need to think about YOURSELF, your values, your strengths and weaknesses, your interests.

Whenever I write about commandments, people post their own lists in response, and it's always fascinating and inspiring to see what they've chosen. Here are some commandments that other people have adopted. Some might work for you, or spur your own thoughts.

Forget the past.
Do stuff.
Talk to strangers.
Stay in touch.
Make haste to be kind.
Don't wait.
Action, not reaction.
Always with love.
Baby steps.
Reverence.
Recognize my patterns.
Be present.
Don't rehearse unhappiness. [This is one that I really need to think about!]
Live your values.
The more the merrier.
Love is all around.
Notice the color purple.
Friends are more important than sex.
Choose not to take things personally.
Be loving and love will find you.
Encourage others.
Enjoy simplicity.
Rejoice in beauty.
Deeds not words.
Slow down.
Please yourself.
Nothing lasts.
Music helps.
Only a bore is bored.
Do something different.
Consider the source.
Be the fun.
Go outside.
Cut your losses.

If you come up with your own set, please consider posting them. It's very valuable for me and other readers -- seeing other people's commandments helps clarify what our own commandments could be.

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[robynr]

I always consider a line from the movie "Buckaroo Banzai" before I make a decision -
"No matter where you go, there you are."

[athenasword]

Fantastic post. While I have learned to live by my intentions and be clear about my vision and purpose, I have not done an excersise like this one. How fabulous!

My first impressions on my list...

Be Curious
Rejoice in Beauty
Live in awe of Nature
Have integrity
Be in the moment
Create!
Be inspired and be inspiring
Enjoy the Journey
Be of service
Look for the truth
Remember to play
Honor your elders
Listen to Spirit

[09 Is The Time]

Gretchen, thanks for an inspiring article. Also thanks to all whose ideas above I borrowed or adapted.
I feel great about my list and am inspired! Happy New Year everyone :)

Be GALA GAL at work. Be JEN everywhen else.
Do stuff.
Relive ONLY happiness.
Preserve memories.
Keep keepsakes.
Kneel to pray everyday.
List your gratitude.
Give joyfully at every opportunity.
The next healthy choice.
Celebration cleanliness and organization.
Open yourself to love.
Create a clean slate.
Habits are simply behaviors repeated. Create new and healthy habits.
I am a proud Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers, easily maintaining my healthy weight of 152 or lower. (I"m not yet, but I WILL be!)
Forgive everyone everything.

Oh, and one quick P.S.

You're subconscious cannot process a negative (the words "not" or "don't"), so instead of saying your mantra as "Don't be a bad person" , state instead the positive form only, "Be a good person". (To prove this point, either do a quick Web search about this concept, or --as an example--try to NOT think about any certain thing. For instance, for the next 30 seconds, DON'T think about oranges. BOOM, immediately the image of an orange, correct? Your mind thinks in pictures, so give it only the images you want it to dwell on. New agey, I know. But if you read anything about goal setting you will find this confirmed. So, everyone be POSITIVE :)

[athenasword]

Great list... and a wonderful p.s. This is so true! It is much more powerful to say "Be Joyful" than to say "dont be sad".

[OtayPanky]

Gretchen Rubin: Don't rehearse unhappiness. [This is one that I really need to think about!]

===

Actually, the illusion that you NEED to think about it keeps you stuck in...thinking about it.

And of course, as long as you're thinking about how to avoid unhappiness, or how to find happiness...it will elude you, amidst your books and blogs.

As for your core idea about finding happiness through resolutions...you just might have it all backwards.

Here's a contrarian view, from the oldest book of wisdom in the world:

===

If you want to be a great leader,
you must learn to follow the Tao.
Stop trying to control.
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
and the world will govern itself.

The more prohibitions you have,
the less virtuous people will be.
The more weapons you have,
the less secure people will be.
The more subsidies you have,
the less self-reliant people will be.

Therefore the Master says:
I let go of the law,
and people become honest.
I let go of economics,
and people become prosperous.
I let go of religion,
and people become serene.
I let go of all desire for the common good,
and the good becomes common as grass.

[Hirnlego]

A few rules set for myself at about the age of 12.

1. Do not become obese - always stay on the athletic side
2. Do not become a drinker, smoker or drug user
3. Do not become a violent person
4. Try having open mind
5. Don't be too judgmental
6. Religion will never be anything for me because...
7. Question everything, even though they are widely accepted truths
8. Try staying informed about things in your surrounding and elsewhere
9. Keep ego in check (well that did never become a problem..)
10. Do not steal or kill (two commandments..but these are obvious)

[Roseberry]

Ha! I really liked "Be the fun." I think I will keep that one for myself! Make it my 2009 New Year's resolution!

[Glamorosa]

Don't complain, don't explain
Judge not lest ye be judged
Love the good the bad and the ugly
Take care of yourself so you can take care of others
Use everything for your upliftment and growth

Happy new you 2009

[cayuse]

The original 10 commandments were great, but hard to acheive

The WORD of GOD (Christ Consciousness) teachings exemplified these 10 into 2.

1) Love your neightbor (and enemy) as yourself
2) Love GOD with all your heart

Nothing wrong with your "best pracice" methods of acheiving 1 and 2. For me I need to be happy and Joyous along the way to Spiritual perfection.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

don't be embarrassed by yourself

be patient with those people you may have difficulty with

saying no can be saying yes to yourself

Happy new Year 2009 dear Gretchen

Cheers,

Ed

[Shari77]

Forgive everyone everything.

[lewes17266]

Shari77,

I would add to your commandment this:

" ...but guard your heart."

It is not good to be too trusting and forgiving souls are often taken advantage of.

[OtayPanky]

Forgiving and guarding your heart have nothing to do with each other.

I can forgive the man who robbed me - but I'm certainly not going to give him keys to my house.

[horsey]

If nothing else be able to open up to at least one person.