A while back, I read a New York magazine article by Katie Roiphe, "The Great Escape", in which Roiphe discusses her friends' reaction to the news of her divorce. Bottom line: she's annoyed that they're acting as though she's going through some terrible tragedy, when in fact, she feels fine -- if anything, she feels freed and relieved.
It's an interesting article on many levels, but the thing that struck me was - zoikes! If I were her friend, I'm sure I'd be saying all the wrong things, too.
So what's the right thing to say?
I asked some people I know who are divorced, or who are getting divorced, about what kinds of comments are helpful or, more important, unhelpful. How should a thoughtful friend react?
It's clear that there aren't many hard and fast rules. One friend was reassured when people told him he'd be dating in no time, another friend felt angry at the suggestion that a fifteen-year marriage could be brushed aside so easily. Here's what I learned:
Helpful things to say:
"You're going to get through this."
"However this turns out, I hope it all works out for the best."
"I'm here for you."
"Just take it one day at a time."
Do...
-- Remind your friend that he or she will get through this period. "Not to be melodramatic," my friend told me, "but a divorce can feel like dying. Life, as you know it, is coming to an end. Reminding a person that there is life, and even happiness, after the divorce is reassuring."
-- Be careful about how you talk about other people's divorces in front of the divorcing folks. "While I was getting divorced, a friend described a bully in our school as 'from a broken home,'" a friend told me. "I hated hearing things like that. For me, the biggest worry was how the divorce would affect my kids." "Someone gleefully told a story about how his brother was going to screw his ex-wife in the divorce settlement," another friend recalled. "It was very distasteful to hear that kind of talk, given my situation."
-- Include divorcing friends in your plans. "Divorce changes everything about your social life," someone said. "It really helps if friends ask you to do things. It makes you feel included and supported."
Don't...
-- Argue hard for your friend to take one course or another. You can't know what's right for someone else.
-- Be judgmental. "People judge themselves harshly for getting divorced," a friend told me. "Don't add to it." Along the same lines, try not to say too many bad things about the other spouse. "When we first separated, I wanted to hear people criticize my ex-wife," a friend said, "but it's really not good to have those kinds of conversations. After all, I did marry her, and we have kids together, so I don't need to know that everyone really didn't like her for all those years."
-- Assume that you know who is "right" or "wrong." It's impossible, from the outside, to understand someone else's relationship. "Technically, I left my husband," a friend told me, "but I thought he was the one who abandoned our marriage. I didn't appreciate being viewed as the one who wasn't willing to do any work to keep it going."
-- Insist on being given a reason. People can't always sum up their reasons neatly, and they may want to keep their reasons private. Don't probe for explanations or pry for details.
What are some other things to say -- or not to say? What am I overlooking?
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As a recently divorced male, the one thing that I want most is a period of quiet where no one is asking me any questions. Many times others think they are helping me by talking to me, but I want no part of it. It is like having a friend who is ill, and bringing a box of chocolates. Unfortunately, the illness in question is diabetes, so the candy is the last thing said person needs. I know others have good intentions, but is the total opposite of what I want or need.
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divorced later), he seemed to _expect_ to have to explain himself to myself
and our friends. They all wanted to 'understand' what happened, had they
done counseling, etc etc.
I didn't understand what business of theirs it was to try to understand or
'fix' his broken marriage. I just showed up, listened if he wanted to talk
(mostly he wanted to get drunk) and supported him, and whatever he
wanted to do was fine by me. It's not up to anyone else to judge friends'
relationships or ending thereof. geez
the death of a best friend.
That was my marriage. And it was a classic,"you don't make enough money"
which was entertaining since we made about the same.
Also,i would like to say either party needs to be,or pretend,to be adults.
State why you are leaving,and then leave. No putdowns,or sleazy friend4Qing.
If you are the jilted one keep your head high and take the road to personal self respect.
So your wife is leaving you and she is fat. Don't state the obvious. Let the fat B$%ch go.
I have two VERY good friends divorcing and I can not state enough DO NOT take sides.
Do not bad mouth ither person. This only makes their situation worse. They need to come to their own
conclusions without being dragged down by outside sniping.
Better, is to look at the situation from one's self interest. Do you value your relationship with your friend enough to act in a manner to maximally ease the angst your friend is experiencing? If so, then most of the suggestions in the article appears constructive.
It also appears from your second paragraph that you are merely in friendships for what they can give you. If you view friendships for what they can give you then I pity the people who think that they are your friends, because when your divorcing friends come to you for compassion and help it appears you will only think of yourself and abandon your "immoral" former friends.
btw, you are sanctimonious and Jesus would be embarrassed by you.
I'm not sorry. Stop acting like it's the end of the world.
If you really want to help? Call me and arrange a playdate for my kid so I can get some work done!
Try this on for size: You poured your life into a relationship to create a family. It lasted 28 years, with all the attendant ups-and-downs that go into being a family, and then you got dumped. That happens. I know because I have experienced it. And I did not get the young trophy wife as a prize. Nor is she probably hovering just over the horizon. This is a least a serious as a heart-attack, I've had that, too.
It's a horrible trauma, especially for the grown children, who are all college grads now.
Bummer! Bummer! Bummer! The grass is not always greener over the septic tank!
Now can we move onto something meaningful?
Just my two cents,
Ann Marie
Get drop dead toliet hugging drunk togeather and by the time you head back you will at least be able to talk civil.