Tips For An Impending Divorce

A while back, I read a New York magazine article by Katie Roiphe, "The Great Escape", in which Roiphe discusses her friends' reaction to the news of her divorce. Bottom line: she's annoyed that they're acting as though she's going through some terrible tragedy, when in fact, she feels fine -- if anything, she feels freed and relieved.

It's an interesting article on many levels, but the thing that struck me was - zoikes! If I were her friend, I'm sure I'd be saying all the wrong things, too.

So what's the right thing to say?

I asked some people I know who are divorced, or who are getting divorced, about what kinds of comments are helpful or, more important, unhelpful. How should a thoughtful friend react?

It's clear that there aren't many hard and fast rules. One friend was reassured when people told him he'd be dating in no time, another friend felt angry at the suggestion that a fifteen-year marriage could be brushed aside so easily. Here's what I learned:

Helpful things to say:

"You're going to get through this."

"However this turns out, I hope it all works out for the best."

"I'm here for you."

"Just take it one day at a time."

Do...

-- Remind your friend that he or she will get through this period. "Not to be melodramatic," my friend told me, "but a divorce can feel like dying. Life, as you know it, is coming to an end. Reminding a person that there is life, and even happiness, after the divorce is reassuring."

-- Be careful about how you talk about other people's divorces in front of the divorcing folks. "While I was getting divorced, a friend described a bully in our school as 'from a broken home,'" a friend told me. "I hated hearing things like that. For me, the biggest worry was how the divorce would affect my kids." "Someone gleefully told a story about how his brother was going to screw his ex-wife in the divorce settlement," another friend recalled. "It was very distasteful to hear that kind of talk, given my situation."

-- Include divorcing friends in your plans. "Divorce changes everything about your social life," someone said. "It really helps if friends ask you to do things. It makes you feel included and supported."

Don't...

-- Argue hard for your friend to take one course or another. You can't know what's right for someone else.

-- Be judgmental. "People judge themselves harshly for getting divorced," a friend told me. "Don't add to it." Along the same lines, try not to say too many bad things about the other spouse. "When we first separated, I wanted to hear people criticize my ex-wife," a friend said, "but it's really not good to have those kinds of conversations. After all, I did marry her, and we have kids together, so I don't need to know that everyone really didn't like her for all those years."

-- Assume that you know who is "right" or "wrong." It's impossible, from the outside, to understand someone else's relationship. "Technically, I left my husband," a friend told me, "but I thought he was the one who abandoned our marriage. I didn't appreciate being viewed as the one who wasn't willing to do any work to keep it going."

-- Insist on being given a reason. People can't always sum up their reasons neatly, and they may want to keep their reasons private. Don't probe for explanations or pry for details.

What are some other things to say -- or not to say? What am I overlooking?

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Comments

[TerryFL]

.

As a recently divorced male, the one thing that I want most is a period of quiet where no one is asking me any questions. Many times others think they are helping me by talking to me, but I want no part of it. It is like having a friend who is ill, and bringing a box of chocolates. Unfortunately, the illness in question is diabetes, so the candy is the last thing said person needs. I know others have good intentions, but is the total opposite of what I want or need.
.

[capitalismisntamoral]

when my very good friend left his wife a few years back (no kids and they
divorced later), he seemed to _expect_ to have to explain himself to myself
and our friends. They all wanted to 'understand' what happened, had they
done counseling, etc etc.

I didn't understand what business of theirs it was to try to understand or
'fix' his broken marriage. I just showed up, listened if he wanted to talk
(mostly he wanted to get drunk) and supported him, and whatever he
wanted to do was fine by me. It's not up to anyone else to judge friends'
relationships or ending thereof. geez

[vagabond78666]

Oh,it feels like death.
the death of a best friend.
That was my marriage. And it was a classic,"you don't make enough money"
which was entertaining since we made about the same.
Also,i would like to say either party needs to be,or pretend,to be adults.
State why you are leaving,and then leave. No putdowns,or sleazy friend4Qing.
If you are the jilted one keep your head high and take the road to personal self respect.
So your wife is leaving you and she is fat. Don't state the obvious. Let the fat B$%ch go.

I have two VERY good friends divorcing and I can not state enough DO NOT take sides.
Do not bad mouth ither person. This only makes their situation worse. They need to come to their own
conclusions without being dragged down by outside sniping.

[TheyAllSuck]

I have a problem with this article, in the seeming presumption that its the friend's obligation to make their friend feel better about about their divorce. Divorce, to most Christians, is a form of immorality, and to make people feel better about it is to support immorality.

Better, is to look at the situation from one's self interest. Do you value your relationship with your friend enough to act in a manner to maximally ease the angst your friend is experiencing? If so, then most of the suggestions in the article appears constructive.

[acidfree]

I have a problem with your attitude. Since it appears that you feel all divorce is immoral, you must then condone your divorcing friends to the pits of hell that you so imagine are there for those who are immoral.
It also appears from your second paragraph that you are merely in friendships for what they can give you. If you view friendships for what they can give you then I pity the people who think that they are your friends, because when your divorcing friends come to you for compassion and help it appears you will only think of yourself and abandon your "immoral" former friends.

btw, you are sanctimonious and Jesus would be embarrassed by you.

[chicklette]

If you index the number of people who are Christian in this country against the number of people who get divorced in this country, then I think your statement that "Divorce, to most Christians, is a form of immorality­." Just sayin'.

[NWReader]

In the middle of divorce righth now, the comment I hate the most is, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" which is inevitably accompanied by the most condescending expression of pity one can imagine.

I'm not sorry. Stop acting like it's the end of the world.

If you really want to help? Call me and arrange a playdate for my kid so I can get some work done!

[stephenswain]

Oh this is a hot issue, indeed. It's horribly stressful for all concerned. Yes, the person doing the divorcing, if it's not a mutual thing, tends to see the future as being better. The person being turned into a has-been spouse doesn't necessarily see it that way, depending on his/her abilities to overcome the losses and changes involved. I am so happy that the fcsakes isn't a friend of mine. With friends like that, you wouldn't need any enemies, or at best, far fewer of them.

Try this on for size: You poured your life into a relationship to create a family. It lasted 28 years, with all the attendant ups-and-downs that go into being a family, and then you got dumped. That happens. I know because I have experienced it. And I did not get the young trophy wife as a prize. Nor is she probably hovering just over the horizon. This is a least a serious as a heart-attack, I've had that, too.

It's a horrible trauma, especially for the grown children, who are all college grads now.

Bummer! Bummer! Bummer! The grass is not always greener over the septic tank!

[H.L. Mencken]

Most of my hundreds of divorce cases centered primarily upon miscommunication of endemic sexual desires!Americans are ripe for adult sex education! Neither males nor females are cognizant of the others true sexual feelings or desires! For instance females are unaware of the persistent harpy who whispers in the ear of the young virile male sex sex sex! Alternatively many males ignore the emotional feelings female possess regarding their bodies and self esteem for sexual acts! A reeducation of the Homo sapiens theory of mind of tribal collaboration and colesecence between the genders is in order!! ladies demonstrate your superior einfuhlung and begin the process of mutual awareness of the others physical and mental needs!Gentlemen females resent being reduced to a fleshy vehicle in which to deposit the results of your overwhelming constant satyriasis!

[H.L. Mencken]

Do you not believe predicated upon observations of the emotional social damage done to children of the divorcing couple that it is about time to remove this process from the state courts and endow it power with the people participants? I practiced law for over forty years and have never witnessed a successful divorce! It is time we reduced this couple behavior to prenuptial contracts between the parties! Then and in that event divorce would be limited to an agreed contractual breach! An agreed wrong with an agreed remedy!

[TVDinner666]

It is time to eliminate the scourge of extraneous exclamation points and clumsy vocabulary!

[fcsakes]

This is another one of those NONissues. With slightly over 50% of the population getting divorced, usually because they got married for the wrong reasons in the first place, who gives a damn what you say to them. "I'm sorry if you're sorry and happy if you're happy," should just about cover all the bases.

Now can we move onto something meaningful?

[AnnMarieFWW]

This is a subject that I don't think is addressed enough. There is a lot out there to help people get through their divorce but not enough advising the friends and family of those getting a divorce on how to best support their loved ones. I was given the opportunity recently to observe a focus group of various women going through the various stages of divorce and talking about their situations and experiences. The majority of the women said they would turn to family and friends for help or support and the majority were unable to provide much positive feedback. It is very important to support your loved ones when they are going through this process and this is a great way to guide them. I work for www.firstwivesworld.com, it is an online community of support and help for women navigating through the various stages of divorce and life thereafter. There is hope and with the resources and support people need that hope is here for them.

Just my two cents,

Ann Marie

[Jasel]

People just need to stop getting married.

[dadw5boys]

Before getting a divorce if one is comming take a week off and go away togeather and get drunk!!!!!

Get drop dead toliet hugging drunk togeather and by the time you head back you will at least be able to talk civil.

[Jude2004]

The greatest mistake I avoided when my cousin separated from her husband was the temptation to trash him, especially since I never liked the guy. I just listened--a lot. The reason that was a wise decision is because they got back together (and are still together 5 years later). How would that have affected our relationship if I'd let her know what a jerk I (still) think he is?

[nainam97]

I think there is only one thing one thing to say to someone going through a divorce: "You know, no matter how good the outcome will probably be, there's still nothing as painful as a divorce." Just let them know how much you appreciate how much they are hurting.

[acidfree]

What if the main reason for the divorce was because of abuse by one or both of the parties? What if one of the spouses is so being abused that they need to get out in order to save their life? Would that be a painful divorce??