For many people the holidays are a joyous time; for others they are a dreaded part of the year. One factor that can make it tough is spending time with difficult relatives. Here are some strategies for keeping family dinners pleasant:
1) Before you walk into the situation, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don't just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you've had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about why they were unpleasant and what you could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may just need to be more careful about getting enough sleep! If you want a peaceful dinner, think about how to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular...
2) Think about how topics that seem innocuous to you might upset someone else. You may think you're showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" "When are you two going to get married/start a family?" "Didn't you give up smoking?" "Can you afford that?" "When are you going to get a real job?" Show an interest with more open-ended questions, like, "What are you up to these days?" or "What's keeping you busy?" Also...
3) Avoid strife. Some families enjoy arguing passionately amongst themselves; however, most don't handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob's views on politics are going to drive you crazy, don't bring it up! And if he brings it up, you don't have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, "Let's agree to disagree," "Let's not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for," etc. There is a time and a place for everything.
4) Don't drink much alcohol. It can seem festive and fun to fill up your glass, but it's easy to lose track of how much you're drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.
5) As best you can, play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, not so much. You may feel irritated by your brother's insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving, or by your mother's extreme reaction to the possibility that you might not come home for the day. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. On the other hand...
6) If you're the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else so that you can enjoy the day, whatever happens. Make the best of the situation. Even if the day isn't exactly the way you hoped it would be, try to enjoy what it is.
7) Don't stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays -- but then they never lose it. You'll have more fun if you're not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating; feeling bad about having eaten too much can make you feel irritable and angry, which spills over into your interactions with other people.
8) Find reasons to be grateful. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don't have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don't have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studies show that gratitude is a major happiness booster. Also, feeling grateful toward crowds out emotions like resentment and annoyance.
Wait, you might be thinking that these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult relatives -- they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can't do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself. Also, in many situations, people behave a difficult way in reaction to something else. So you may think your niece flies off the handle without any reason, but she's furious because she thinks you're needling her about her appearance. If you behave differently, she will, too.
Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult holiday situation? What more would you add?
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I love the tools that Gretchen offered, and if I may, I’d like to share two that I’ve found very effective. They are rooted in Metta Mindfulness practices and start with this premise: see everything as if it was a temporary visitor; how you great the “visitor” determines not only the type of host you are to them but also the host you are to yourself.
Step 1: The Catch: Become aware of the emotional discomfort you are feeling and internally name it (i.e. “Irritation”).
Step 2: The Choice: As you allow yourself to feel the given discomfort in the body, internally declare to a willingness not to hold onto it. (i.e. Anger, but I’m willing not to be”).
Step 3: The Offering (The foundation of Metta practice). Offer yourself an attribute aligned with love: love, peace, happiness; and then, offer that up to the family member who is currently pushing your buttons; “May I have peace”. “May (insert the given family member) have peace”)
When to use: in the heat of the moment, periodically as an emotional anchor when with family, and a few times each day starting now as preparation for the actual physical time spent with them.
Unless you cave in to all of their desires which are always WRONG for you and RIGHT for them
Drinking helps, but true it is a life condition live with it. Keep you mouth shut
Thanksgiving 2010 will never be repeated!!! I had to endure my father-in-law staunch Republican nature and how it's a waste of time sending the boys to college because they're better off learning a trade so that they can make more money. Oh, and please do not turn from FOX news to watch cartoons...a no-no in his house. Wait, can we add in the 'jungle' joke that he had to tell over dinner? Did I mention that I'm African-American and my husband is Italian? Let's add having my oldest son repeat that Obama isn't doing anything!
Dinner started at 3:00 and was over at 3:20! Mom had to leave before she lost her mind.
But, the bright spot in all of this....my parents live 45 minutes away and are as left as you can get with my father being an atheist. Throughout my father's house there are pictures of philosophers and President Obama. He calls our family the true melting pot because my brother and sister-in-laws are comprised of different religions, cultures, and ethnicities.
But no in-laws house again!
I tried to look at her long and difficult life to try to figure out why she acted this way, and I think now I do understand, and wish I'd been able to help, but I was younger (it's been 15 years) and had my own stuff to deal with. Yeah, I miss her terribly now, but really, holidays are easier. A LOT easier - and I vow not to ever to this to my kids...
"Toxic Parents" and
"Emotional Blackmail"
both by Dr. Susan Forward.
I'm fanning and faving you by the way.