Eight Tips For Conquering Anger And Irritability

Hah. It's really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject. A tendency to fly off the handle is one of my most disagreeable and persistent traits, and something I battle with - largely unsuccessfully - every day. For me, anger is the most tempting of the seven deadly sins. At best, you could describe me as "edgy."

This list shows the strategies I try to use to keep myself patient and mild-mannered, but I certainly can't claim that they've been wholly successful. I still lose my temper far too often; however, I do think I'm doing a better job than I would be if I weren't following these tips:

1. Pay attention to my body. Being too cold, too hot, and especially being too hungry, makes me far more irritable.

2. Don't drink. I basically gave up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.

3. Acknowledge the reality of other people's feelings (usually this arises with my husband or daughters). Instead of snapping back answers like "I don't want to hear a lot of whining" or "It's not that big a deal," I try to show that I understand what someone is saying.

4. Be realistic. For instance, I often get irritated when someone interrupts me when I'm reading -- but I should know better than to try to read the newspaper during my daughters' Saturday morning breakfast. Of course I'm going to get interrupted.

5. Don't expect praise or appreciation. I often feel irritated when someone (usually my husband) doesn't notice and praise some effort on my part. For example, when I went out of town last week, I got my older daughter completely organized for a field trip before I left. I snapped at my husband because he didn't appreciate this Herculean accomplishment on my part.

6. Squelch my reaction. Not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have trouble with this in person, but often manage to do it if it involves email; the deliberate effort of writing an irritated email often gives me the opportunity to decide not to send it. I find it tougher to bite back an angry retort -- but I'm working on it. When I can manage, acting the way I want to feel always helps me to change my feelings.

7. Make a joke. Okay, some of these strategies are more fantasy than reality, but on the rare occasion when I do manage to make a joke during a moment of irritation, it works beautifully to lighten the mood.

8. Try not to be defensive. Many of my most harsh reactions are triggered by some kind of accusation - that I did something wrong, that I did something rude, that I screwed up in some way. If I can admit to fault, or let it go, I can lighten my anger. My anger is tied to my pride, and pride is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do. Surprise! That's not how the world works.

What strategies have I missed? What helps you defuse anger and irritability? I need more help!

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My friend and blogging mentor Jonathan Fields has two excellent blogs: Awake at the Wheel, which has a lot of great material of general interest, and Career Renegade, which is more focused on work and career. Jonathan's book, Career Renegade: How to Make a Great Living Doing What You Love, has gotten a lot of buzz.

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Comments

[Marie-Elena15]

There is lot's of great advice in the article, and in the comment's. Thank you to everyone!

[KarateKid]

Before reacting, I have learned to ask myself, is this worth getting upset about? The answer is never yes. End of story. Road rage? Not a chance. Don't make eye contact. Other, angry people? I get a good look at what and how I don't want to be perceived as. I learned to tune out and ignore them while not messing with them, either. I learned to make arguments diplomatically and logically in stressful work situations, and truly LISTEN. That usually works with frustrated people who are prone to anger. I don't live or die over anything at work because I finally understood that it's just not worth it. And, I get a lot of exercise, it cleanses the mind. I should have done all these things when I was younger, but younger people are too self absorbed to understand any of this.

[KarateKid]

Love the shot of the lions. I guess it is the same for male lions as it is for male humans. LOL.

[neoprimordial]

What helps me defuse anger and irritability? It helps a lot when I know to expect the behavior that normally would set me off unawares. For instance, driving in traffic, I expect a lot of stuff. Every once in a while someone does something that threatens to release the Hulk, but mostly it rolls off my back pretty easily. No incidents of a 12-foot hulking green menace bounding through the streets so far.

[neoprimordial]

What about when you're dealing with clearly intolerant behavior? What about when you're dealing with someone who not only isn't listening to you as you try to explain the situation to this person, but he/she is on the dense side to begin with? What if you're dealing with someone who knows better, but still does the same lame stupid thing, resulting in serious trouble for that person and indirectly for yourself? These are all conditions under which I went seriously ballistic. I'm talking a chair-toss-through-the-window anger, and I'm not one to be throwing things when I lose it.

It's not the easiest thing to have presence of mind in those moments, but if I can manage it, I can maybe consider what you're saying. I know I tend to be grumpy before breakfast, but otherwise hunger doesn't bother me. I rarely drink, usually care too much what other people feel/think, don't often expect praise, and am rarely defensive. Sometimes I expect too much, I'll admit that. And I have held back and the anger did dissipate, but I think your number one tip is to employ humor. The thought actually crossed my mind to do so as I actually rehashed one of the three ballistic moments listed above with someone who was there for it, but I mostly just felt like--CAN WE PLEASE DROP THIS SUBJECT? RIGHT NOW? I'll try to be more humorous in the future.

[Siobhan11]

I genuinley do not get people who go around taking their anger, edginess out on others. Oh I understand it occasionally. But as a regular thing, I truly can't imagine living with someone or having a parent like that. I know people say Americans are over medicated. But after reading these posts, perhaps we need some anger medication. I am not joking .

I am not trying to be mean here, because you are not in my life, but really, for at least your childen's sakes, perhaps you should try a little harder to find a solution.

At least you are not in denial. That is half the battle.

[boredwell]

Anger strategy: always consider the SOURCE. I live with a cantankerous 80 year old who is blameless, pure and simple. He can manage this state of perfection because he blames everything on me. Example: He constantly reminds me that I ONLY rent a ROOM. Whenever I report something amiss, ie, leaky faucet; running toilet, he tells me to mind my own business. Recently, he received a water bill for an amount over and above the normal usage. When I reminded him of the leaks, he told me, "It's your fault. How do you expect me to remember everything. Besides," he added for greater effect, "I never know what you're saying. You're either complaining or mumbling." Rather than turn his massage chair into an ejection capsule, I smile, say nothing and consider the source.

[viflyer]

"Hah. It's really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject"

Didn't stop you though, did it!

Now that's too bad!

[Kimberly Rodney]

I've usually found it an exercise in futility to control anger by suppressing it. I come from a long line of hysterically angry people, and have struggled with this most of my life.

The best way I have found to control anger is by understanding it ('what am I really angry at?') and getting it out of my system in some unrelated, cathartic way. Writing was always my own best personal escape: writing the angry email without sending it can be a particularly good way of cleaning out the emotion without letting it wreak destruction in my life.
Anger out of proportion to a situation usually stems from something else, or so I've found. I can absolutely blow up if a neighbor is being loud or someone just outside has one of those bass nightmare setups going full blast, but after examination I found that I was really angry because I felt threatened by those things. The next step was to expose myself to it, to watch the noisy kids playing for a few minutes or ask Mister Boombox to cool it down. It didn't 'cure' me (only peace and quiet really does that), but it helped.

Get some time to yourself and do something you enjoy doing without being guilty about it. If you can work out a regular period of time every evening by yourself to relax, it can help work out the anger-knots before you blow up at some innocent bystander (I've been there).

[elr50]

I spent the last 8 years (minus 100+ days) yelling at my television and being angry all of the ttime. Now I am MUCH calmer.

[mwoman]

Damn. That's a lot of anger! I wouldn't be able to function, feeling so much anger. But I don't know if it follows that the anger is tied to perfectionism. Perfectionists are exceptionally critical of themselves and others, but I don't know that this breeds anger of the sort that causes explosions in some people, but not others. Anger is emotive—you let it out—it shows. I would bet more women, especially who are anorexic, are more of perfectionists, than those who express anger. Anger...rage...are powerful emotions.

[manonthemoonmarigolds]

I agree with Reinaldokool that anger can stem from feelings of helplessness.

However I also know that a lot of people who fly off the handle and are quick to anger have a sense of entitlement. They think that their time, opinions, desires, efforts....are more important than others.

We don't value others enough in this 'me,me, me' society.

[Reinaldokool]

Look into Rational Emotive Behavior training to apply cognitive behavior therapy insights in daily life. "People are not upset by what happens to them, but by what they believe about those events." (Rough quotation from Epictetus) REBT has a 50+ year history of helping people stop their anger racket. You don't really need a therapist, though one sometimes helps. You can do it by yourself. I recommend reading and applying Dr. Michael Edelstein's book, Three Minute Therapy. Or, in my area, take my, Emotional Retraining course.

Anger usually hides feelings of helplessness. When you are able to correct a problem, you do so; when you are not, you just get angry.

[beyondliberal]

More medication, please! (and make it snappy!!!!)

[NHGranite]

Ugh - I just had to quelch my anger. Again. It is my life lesson. My brother and I didn't speak for 2 years. He would not let me see my niece. We reconciled, and I went to visit, and made a point to go when we could see her. I asked him twice, on sep occasions to make sure she was available - teenagers are busy! As usual, he said of course he'd clear it with her. And of course, he didn't. I was devastated. I admit that I had to pout, but it was better than the usual yelling fit. Deep breathing, an understanding husband and a great ex-sister-in-law got me through it. I could talk and laugh about it a little later, which is better than screaming which would have lead to not speaking for another 2 years. I wanted to punish him, but that always ends up hurting me.