Happiness Tip: Don't Perform Random Acts of Kindness.

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One piece of advice that I often see, for building happiness, is to "practice random acts of kindness." I don't quite agree with this advice.

Now, it's true that studies show that if you commit a random act of kindness, YOU will feel good. What's considered a "random act of kindness"? Giving a flower to a stranger, paying the toll for the car behind you, or putting coins in someone's meter are typical examples.

Doing something thoughtful for someone else does make you feel good. Do good, feel good.

However, if the reason for your happiness is that you're thinking about how happy you're going to make someone else (which is, after all, one of the best ways to make yourself happy, that's the Second Splendid Truth, Part A), you might be misguided.

Another study shows that many people reacted to receiving a random act of kindness with -- suspicion! (See also Larsen and Prizmic's "Regulation of Emotional Well-Being" in The Science of Subjective Well-Being.) This certainly rings true for me. If someone randomly does something kind for me, I'm on guard. I don't think that shows a fundamental cynicism or a deep distrust of mankind; it just shows that I think that most people act purposefully, and if I don't understand the purpose, I question their motives. It's not the kindness of the act that's the problem; it's the randomness.

We don't expect people to act randomly. A person might feel suspicious when you hand him a flower, for example, because he might think you're trying to invoke the very strong psychological phenomenon of "reciprocation": when someone gives you something or does something for you, you feel you must reciprocate. That's why members of the Hare Krishna Society gave flowers to passers-by in airports. That's why charities send those complimentary address labels when they ask you for money. (For a fascinating discussion of reciprocation, read the brilliant book by Robert Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion .)

Also, the problem with randomness is that your act might not be well-placed. You might be paying the toll for a millionaire, or filling the expired meter for someone who is standing beside you on the sidewalk, digging for her keys.

It's nice to be nice, of course. It's not BAD to practice random acts of kindness. But if you want to build your happiness based on the happiness you bring to other people - the noblest ways of boosting happiness - I think it's more productive to be targeted. Hold the door open for a person pushing a stroller. Give your seat at Starbucks to an elderly person. Help a co-worker even when you're rushing to meet a deadline yourself.

After all, seeing that a stranger, friend, or colleague is acting out of concern for you is cheering; wondering why someone inexplicably did something for you, however nice, is a bit unnerving.

Maybe some people are attracted to acting randomly because it allows them to be more secretive about their good deeds; some people believe that the fact that you get "credit" for a worthy act somehow minimizes its worth, and along the same lines, some people argue that you can never act with true altruism, because performing good acts bring the pleasure of happiness. My view: all the better!

The fact is, the sight of someone performing a generous or kind act always makes me feel happy. Especially if it's me! The spectacle of virtue inspires the feeling of elevation--one of the most delicate pleasures that the world offers. As Simone Weil observed, "Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating." That's true no matter who is performing that real good.

So perform acts of kindness. Randomly, but even better, not randomly.

How about you? What has been your experience with random acts of kindness -- whether on the receiving or the giving end?

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Comments

[LawrenceJDanks]

Ms. Rubin asked for comments on being on the receiving end of a kindness. This one's from my book about happiness and kindness "Your Unfinished Life". It still touches me every time I read it. From Chapter 7: "40 Ways To Be Kind":
"17. Take Visitors Where They Need To Go
When visiting Paris, we took the Metro to Montmartre to see the Sacre Coeur Basilica. Its front steps offer stunning views of Paris...I thought it would be obvious where it was once we exited the Metro. It wasn"t. I asked an elderly lady which direction it was in. She didn"t speak any English... but she gestured for us to follow her. She led us down the street about threeblocks to a point where the church was clearly visible. I nodded and thankedher, but she motioned insistently several times that we continue to follow her.We went about twenty more steps and she gestured with her hand for us to
look up. Before us was a stunning, carpet of green grass and an unobstructed
view of the basilica she wanted us to see, one we would have missed if we
hadn"t continued to follow her. We thanked her and then she turned and went
on her way, down the same little street she had probably walked for decades
before. She wouldn"t settle for doing a partial kindness, but only the fullest one
she could offer. Such sweetness and concern for strangers for us to emulate."

[javaman]

why, in the very first place, does an act of kindness need to be random? why don't we just do acts of kindness?
So what if you get satisfaction from helping someone? are we so bent on this bizarre notion that we have to commit kindness in totally random ways? Why not make it a mission to do acts of kindness? You help someone, it makes them feel good and it makes you feel good. what is wrong with that? are we not allowed to feel good? it the act of feeling good that you helped someone a bad thing?

we live in one really bizarre world.

[PhDiva]

I hope nobody takes your advice. I've benefitted from the kindness of strangers and hope that I've given my fair share in return. The idea is to create a Culture in which kindness is the norm.

[SonofLiberty1]

I have too:)

[BannedInBoston]

Least favorite RAOK. I'm turning left and an oncoming car stops and signals for me to turn. Of course, I turn and wave thanks but inside I'm thinking, there weren't any cars behind him, so it would actually have been quicker (for both of us) for him just to continue on and not stop. But of course, when there IS a line of oncoming cars that you're trying to make a left turn against nobody stops....

[Kristen777]

I hear you Banned. That drives me insane. At my workplace, a college campus, we have crosswalk signs instructing to stop for pedestrians. Drives me nuts when I'm 20 feet away from the curb and a driver sees me coming and stops, waving me across the street. As cars back up behind him, now I'm obligated to speed it up, dashing across the road in my heels so he can be 'considerate'.

[lisette5]

Once my husband and me were stuck in traffic at the Richmond/San Rafael bridge in California. There was a long wait in traffic to get on the bridge. It was Sunday and we were coming back from a meditation sitting, and were both very happy and calm. When we reached the tow booth, the guy there told us to go ahead because 'she' paid for you. At first I didn't understand what he was saying, and kept trying to give him my money. He finally was able to make me understand that the lady in the car in front of us had paid our toll. My reaction? "That was nice of her!" Some time later, I was at the same toll booth, and the traffic was bad, and I randomly decided to pay for the guy behind me. I felt a little awkward about it, and he drove by me on the bridge - he had a very expensive car, and I got the feeling he didn't appreciate it. I haven't done anything like that again! But there are other things that I have done - put money in meters, given tips at restaurants, and help in little ways whenever I can. After all, we are here to serve each other, so that can be in small or bigger ways. I think it helps. There is a sign at a local restaurant I like, it says, "There are no others."

[MJinCanada]

Why not just act with common courtesy? It's usually win-win.

Except -- one of my Poli-Sci profs had a story about teaching in China for a couple of years. As a Eurocentrically-raised gentleman, he at first held doors open for female students, especially if they were carrying an armload of books. They would get very flustered, as it was THEIR custom of courtesy that they, as young students, should hold the door for their elder and teacher.

So I should say, with common courtesy, as appropriate to circumstances.

[VikingKing]

Kindness flows from the King of Kindness!

"And the same gentle hands that hold me when I"m broken
They conquered death to bring me victory"

http://allanerickson.wordpress.com/2008/12/10/i-know-my-redeemer-lives/

[SonicGuppy]

I've practised "random acts of kindness" and find the good is usually shortlived. Not that i'll stop. However it's when one presents oneself to someone sans a script, just for the act of doing that does it for me. Generally, when people seem to "care" some form of punishment will soon follow, regardless of the good. As for happiness, its like air. Sometimes we're happy to be breathing, otherwise we're doing what?

[UberReaganite]

Random isnt threatening. Creepy is threatening. Holding a door open for some stranger at the mall entrance isnt threatening, coming near them spewing your Happiness when they are trying to safely enter their vehicle in the parking lot is Creepy. An adult male giving the still damp high school cheerleader that just washed his car a $100 bill with wet T-shirt appreciation smile and saying "Keep the change baby" is Creepy. The same man walking quietly over to the adult Coach of that girl and giving him or her the money then driving quietly away isnt threatening.

Littering the neighborhood with pennies, which are worthless, that have crazy messages attached to them is just....crazy. It is not a RAK, its a RAC - Random Act of Crazinesss. Or more accurately a Conscious Act of Littering -CAL. Creating a mural on a building in a public location for free that displays a positive non-affiliated message of peace and joy is a RAK. Purchasing a billboard with a message of happiness tied to a particular specific Agenda is not a RAK, it is a SAK or a Soliciting Act of Kindness.

Kindness is non-affiliated and takes into consideration the feelings of others. Kindness is unbiased, safe, considerate, and non-threatening. If it isn't, you are either creepy or crazy and I'm not interested in your little messages. Stay the Hell away from me and keep your trash out of my neighborhood.

[Janiece59]

OK, one more then I'll shut up. After reading a few comments I wanted to address random acts of kindness. There are kind people who do kind things in a random way such as I randomly saw a person with a flat and tried to help and then there is the social experiment, "random acts of kindness". The idea is that each nice thing you do creates a ripple effect as does each mean thing you do. The idea is to put out as much good energy as you can, having," faith that the energy continues to resonate outwards so that that person remembers to do something nice for the next person and on and on. Now the reason I say you have "faith" is because you won't know if the experiment works until enough people do it that all the sudden we live in a friendlier world. Leo Buscaglia, likened it to dropping a pebble into a lake and the ripples that extend outward in all directions.

[PhDiva]

I agree. You don't get to see the results in the short-term. You have to have some faith that kindness matters for its own sake, and if it doesn't have a lasting impact - so what. You made somebody's moment.

[Janiece59]

As to the last comment I made I should PROOF READ. SORRY ABOUT THAT BUT IF YOU HAD DONE IT AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE YOU'D UNDERSTAND THE SCREAMING! A friend started a project called the penny project. She takes pennies and puts a 3/4 inch round sticky tag on them and writes wishes on them and places them all around where ever she goes. Some say "think different" or peace or breath deep. Whatever she wishes for herself and the world on that day. I hope to find one of these pennies some day. She has given me the go ahead to not only start doing this myself but to spread the word. So I'm spreading. She hopes to find one someday. Thanks for listening.

[Janiece59]

I think a little more of both random and not so random is great. My first experiment with random acts brought me to the same conclusion that it brings about suspicion. I was in a group once that was assigned the job of going through the streets of down town doing random acts of kindness and it was a real eye opener. The fact that it creates suspicion it sort of fun in its self though. When you walk away and haven't asked for anything in return the looks on people's faces are priceless. I choose as my random act to hand people a quarter (this will show how long ago this was) and asked them to call someone they cared about and tell them how they felt about them. I said thanks and walked away. I had to look back though to see their reaction and it was priceless. I always hold the door and when someone does it for me I always say Thank you. I buy something I always thank you to the cashier, It can change someones day for the better sometimes and I get to be proud that I am a polite and gracious person. No one loses. I really enjoy saying thank you when I receive bad service...it's the best dig you can give someone. Peace and thank you.

[SchmaltzyTheGolem]

I try to avoid any acts of kindness if at all possible.

[bayoubarbie]

This friend of mine stopped once on the side of the freeway because this man's car had broken down. When he stooped down to fix the tire that was presumably blown out, the man cracked him over the head with a bat and tried to rob him.

So random is stupid.

[Oregonian76]

Altruism is possible. You simply have to be committed to the acts of kindness themselves. If you are committed to your feelings, then you are receiving a reward.

I don't get any personal enjoyment or satisfaction from doing something nice. I don't do it for me, I do it for the other person. Why would it serve me to do something for someone else when it's much easier to just take care of myself?