Quiz: Are You The Person Whom Everyone Else Finds Difficult?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Are you the person whom everyone else finds difficult?

I was very impressed by the self-knowledge and openness displayed by a reader who, after reading my post 7 tips for getting along with your difficult relatives over Thanksgiving, sent me an email to say, "I think I might be the difficult relative over Christmas, or might become so." She didn't want to be difficult, and she was trying to figure out how to change.

Most difficult people, however, probably don't realize quite how difficult others find them to be. They have their own - perhaps quite reasonable - explanations for the things they say and do, and they don't acknowledge how they're affecting other people.

In his excellent book The No A****** Rule (I'm omitting the title not from prudery but from fear of spam-blockers), and also on his blog, Work Matters, Bob Sutton has a quiz to help people recognize if they are a******* -- I was inspired to adapt that material for this quiz.

As you answer these questions, be brutally honest with yourself. Don't make excuses for yourself or other people; just try to answer accurately. These questions apply to family members gathering for a holiday, or to co-workers, or to any group of people who are trying to get along with each other.

--Do you often find that when you do something nice for people, they do a lot of grumbling? Do they seem ungrateful or uncooperative? Do they seem reluctant to accept your generosity? For example, you offered to host Thanksgiving dinner, but no one appreciated it.

--When you join a group of people, does the mood often shift? Does a group tend to break apart after you join it?

--When you do something generous for others, do you think it only right that your generosity will allow you to make decisions for them or direct their actions?

--Do you find it hard to get your calls and emails returned?

--Are you often puzzled when people dramatically over-react to little mistakes, oversights, or casual remarks you make? You bring up some cute anecdote from years ago, and everyone acts upset.

--Do you often find yourself saying defensively, "It was just a joke!"

--Do you think it important to express your true feelings and views authentically, even if that means upsetting other people?

--Do you find that people seem resentful and angry when you offer objective, helpful criticism or advice?

--Do you often find out that something you've done or said has caused an argument between two other people? For example, your son tells you that he and your daughter-in-law have been arguing about the lovely plans you've made for the holiday.

--Do you find that even when you're trying to be helpful by explaining something or providing information, people don't want to seem to listen to you?

--Do you feel annoyed because people tend to refuse to acknowledge your greater experience or knowledge in an area, and instead, ignore your suggestions?

--Do people tend to change the conversation when you try to explain a major insight that has led you to make a major lifestyle change?

--Do people tend to gang up against you - when you're arguing one side, everyone takes the other side, or when one person criticizes you, everyone else chimes in?

--Do you find it funny to see other people squirm?

--If someone asks for your opinion, do you think it's right to tell them frankly what you think?

--Do you think it's useful to point out people's mistakes, areas of incompetence, or previous track records of failure?

--Is it fairly common for one person to tell you that he or she will speak to a third person, so that you don't have to? In other words, do people volunteer to act as intermediaries for you, rather than let you do your own talking?

Multiple "yes"s may be a red flag that you're a source of unhappiness for others.

Another thing I respected about the person who wrote to me was that she was going to spend the holidays with her family, because she knew it was very important to her mother. She might be a difficult person, but she's trying to make someone else happy by showing up, even though she doesn't want to, and that's admirable.

*** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[incredulous72]

I answered 'yes' to 6 of the questions. I'm not sure if that makes me a difficult person, but Mr. Pattakos comment validated something I have been feeling for quite a while and was the reason behind some of the changes I've made in my life recently.

"Sometimes, by establishing our personal "identity" in relation to others, we may discover a "seed of meaning" that reveals that we are actually "working against ourselves" by trying too hard to be a source of "happiness" for others over whom we really have no "control." The "others," in this case, may be people with whom we need a different kind of relationship or none at all."

Very true.

[VioletDatura]

I answered "yes" to three of them... but this was only in connection to a person I know who would have to answer "yes" to all of them.

When you're messing up right and left, you simply do NOT want to listen to those who try to help you out, because if you could listen to others, you wouldn't be messing up right and left.

I don't know who said it originally (it's been credited to Einstein) but the idea that the same brain that got you into the problem can't get you out of it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It also explains why the most troubled people won't go to therapy - because then they'd have to change, and they are just not interested in doing that.

[cinemaven]

I wish I could forward this list to my hubby's sister in law... she's a yes in every category.
You can't even begin to tell a piece of news or a story without her interrupting immediately to top you. She doesn't even understand that it isn't a contest.
You can't mention a name without her trying to tell you a horrible piece of gossip about that person... especially if you've said you like them.
If you gained 2 pounds, she'll always notice but you could lose 50 and she'd be blind to it.

Happiness isn't just elusive to her, she actually goes out of her way to ensure that other people are unhappy.

She excuses her behavior by saying that she's honest.

I've found that people who proclaim themselves to be honest tend to be hurtful and insulting. Truly honest people don't usually have a need to announce it.

[kps888]

I have found that by avoiding situations where these kinds of clashes occur is the key. By cultivating a social circle where we don't treat each badly, I and my friends are much happier.

[NotHannah]

So...I'm difficult. What do I do to make myself a person with whom other people find it easy to cope?

(Great. Another thing to add to my holiday "to-do" list...)

[Grada3784]

Got 5 yeses. And a few that probably would be yeses, if they were applicable. Add to that I'm heavy, gay and have a loud deep voice that is getting louder as I get more hard of hearing. And everyone encourages me to be as unresponsive as a block of wood - for 50 years or so, now.

I guess I'm right trying to live as a hermit. I must really pollute the world for everyone else.

[gymbunnybee]

every human being is important.

[HoneyBQuick]

I answered yes to at least 5, as well. I can brighten up a room just by leaving it - I promise. I didn't need to take a quiz to know that.

Yet, as someone pointed out to me yesterday, I have a long list of comments on my myspace profile which read, "I miss you, why don't you call more?!" My friend said, "It seems as though a lot of people want a piece of your time, but few actually get it."

So... we are all annoying, as it turns out... but it's human nature to love even those who we'd like to punch, half the time.

Don't beat yourself up. Someone else will willingly do it, for free.

[lmvd3]

That would be my mother.

[minapod]

Sometimes you have to step back and evaluate who you hang out with and why. If they are constantly criticizing you, avoiding you, giving you mixed messages, and regularly acting out against you when you are with them perhaps it would be healthier instead of blaming yourself to seek to cultivate friendships with some new, healthier companions.

Healthy people usually politely avoid interactions and friendships with those who acts like a@@hol-s instead of the rude behaviors sited in the article.

[ggirl]

Sometimes it is just your family that is so different. I came from a large family and as my parents got older the rules changed until there were none. The younger ones are so corrupt that you cannot trust them to stay in your house without taking anything. The first older ones were taught that if you wanted something work hard and get it. The younger ones were taught this is give me texas and take whatever they can. Both my parents are deceased now and we all never get together because the younger ones are not good people. I find this heartbreaking but our parents were old and they changed the rules. My younger brothers and sisters are teaching their children that you can never steal or take from family and the cycle continues. Please pray for us.

[PeculiarB]

Gretchen I loved this post. Though I'm sure I'm difficult to someone, some of the time, I had to share this with a few family member s and ask... who does this make you think of. We laughed in consensus: the conversation stopping ,groups, breaking up, offering to speak for...

My Mother.

Happy holidays!

[DrKND]

I'm an author of books on this subject. And I want to point out that EVERYbody is SOMEbody's difficult person at least SOME of the time. All it means to be a difficult person is that somebody doesn't do what somebody else wants them to do, or does do what somebody else doesn't want them to do, and somebody doesn't know what to do about it.

Yet behind bad behavior, in almost every case, is a good intention. Difficult behavior is based on a fight or flight response to a perceived threat to something a person thinks is important.

If you want to deal with your difficult-ness, I suggest that you stop fighting against and withdrawing from the behavior of others, and instead take aim, organize yourself around a desired outcome - first, for yourself, even if the situation remains exactly the same, and then for the relationship you have with the people you engage with, once you've stabilized your own reactions.

Happy Holidays! If you're lucky enough to have family to celebrate with, I say celebrate the moment and your family. It all passes very quickly, and this is the only moment you know you have for certain. The people who have the best relationships with family members at holiday time understand this basic truth of life. No guarantee but the moment, make it a good one.

[Philip N. Cohen - Huffpost Blogger]

Steve Carell said in his interview with Larry King: "If you don't know a Michael Scott, then you are Michael Scott." It's a good reality check.

[carrieanna]

My best friend calls me "high maintenance." But I don't think I'm an a******, and I didn't really answer yes to any of those questions.

I think I'm like Chironomid and don't feel like faking when I come in contact with people who are annoying or mean.

[kellygrrrl]

the list seems to define a person with severe CONTROL issues (and probably a great deal of fear).

[OtayPanky]

Do you find that even when you're trying to be helpful by explaining something or providing information, people don't want to seem to listen to you?

===

Hilarious!

But the sentence should be constructed so that "seem to" comes before "want to".

[stayinsouth1981]

But... I know something about EVERYTHING... and I remember ALL the details, facts and figures... Why don't they want to listen?